rant!!!

[hurtandconfued2016]

just a rant here sorry!
ex left me 32 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old for ow!
well basically I have been trying to organise mediation for over a week now and he's too busy to talk or only wants to talk about our child not anything else!
we have a house which we are both on the mortgage he currently pays the mortgage and council tax. I pay the gas and electricity and don't ask for anything for our children this includes having to buy pram etc etc as baby will be here in 3 weeks!
well today he has said that he only wants me to discuss and contact his parents regarding our son! so nothing to do with hospital appointments or anything like that!
I was rushed to hospital on sat which turns out to be a nervous breakdown and our baby wasn't reacting to well to it!
he wasn't fussed about it or anything it was if he didn't care!
then tonight he threw in my face that he is paying the mortgage on the house and how he has no money to go enjoy his life but because I went to the bingo one night I have this amazing life with lots of money! when I explained to him that I wasn't going threw his parents for contact I would rather have it legal and wrote down he just laughed at me!
am I wrong for him paying the mortgage and me not asking for any maintenance for the kids? or help with buying things our son or soon to be daughter needs?

anotheremma
I tried this also but he still hasn't organized anything at all! this has now been 3 weeks. he hasn't even mentioned it and when I bring it up he says yeah well deal with it! BUT WHEN???

Does he want to be there at the scans and the birth? It doesn't sound like it?

I'm sorry but I think you're indulging some wishful thinking here. You want him to be a good father, still interested in his children even if it's not interested in you, but it sounds like he's not interested in them either. He's checked out of the whole thing.

Sorry, OP, but you do need to accept that. I think you need people who are going to support YOU at the scans and the birth. That means your parents and not him. If he really wants to be there, you could negotiate, but if he doesn't even want to, what's the point of fighting with your parents over it?

Give him a deadline for mediation, see if that helps. You're obviously going to be a bit busy after the baby is born!

he has said that he still wants to be at the scans and birth but I don't know wether he is just saying this to make it look like he cares?
and the reason I feel like he doesn't care is he hasn't bought one thing for baby and before he left when talking about baby names me didn't have any interest :/
I know my parents are right in a way my parents are angry because they are very old school in the terms are if something is broken you try and fix it. they don't understand how someone could just walk away at this moment in time!
I also don't want him to be ever able to use it against me when kids are older by saying things like your mum never let me do this never let me do that.
well I called 2 weeks ago about it as I got bored of waiting and they said it's going to be a 4 week waiting list so it will have to be when baby is here unfortunately! I would have liked it before as he has this stupid thing in his head that he is taking baby when she is born over night and stuff even though I am feeding so I wanted it in writing before then :(

Don't let him bully you. If you don't want him at the birth, you don't have to let him be there. If you don't want him to have your newborn overnight, don't let him. (He can take you to court if he really wants, but I doubt he will.) You don't even have to put his name on the birth certificate if you don't want to! Let him apply for parental rights!

every time I say he can't have our son or baby he goes on about how I'm an unfit mother (because I suffer with depression) and that he is going to take my kids off me! I haven't said he could have our son my argument was why not take him on your days off instead of the days your are working?

I think you need to keep contact to an absolute minimum. He is a nasty man, isn't he?! Good bloody riddance.

Contact between the two of you, I mean. No lengthy conversations. Just brief messages about practical things.

well he has blocked my number so to contact him regarding anything I have to phone his parents and they will pass a message in and pass the message back to me!
the thing is see before all of this I would never have in my life said he would have been like this with me or his kids!
he was an incredible partner always made me laugh and smile okay I had to encourage him to do things but I never in my life ever seen his personality going like this! but then he said I was emotionally abusive to him because I encourage him to join the police and learn household things like cooking and cleaning!

Him insisting you contact him via his parents is absolutely ridiculous. Does he have an email address you can contact him on?

Tbh you might as well find a solicitor now, it sounds like you're going to need one. Then all contact can be done via solicitors.

I'm sorry but I don't think he ever was an incredible partner if you always had to ask him to do his share of the household chores. Then he was unfaithful. Sounds like a dockhead to me.

Dickhead! No idea what a dockhead is!

he does but he has told me I am not allowed to contact him. that it has to go thru his parents which I don't like doing as it's his parents they are going to be on his side with everything this still don't see that he done anything wrong.
I have been trying to get a lawyer but the money thing is making it hard for me.
yeah I suppose I don't know why I still stick up for him when he has done all of this!

Arrange a date for mediation and then "pass a message along" (ridiculous) so he knows when it is. He wont turn up, points to you for him refusing mediation. Its him who will end up looking unreasonable. No court in their right mind is going to pass kids over to someone who doesn't want them on their days off! He isn't a devoted dad, he isn't even a weekend dad! Stop letting his family be the mediators, they aren't impartial. I really feel for you being in this horrible situation! My advice would be minimise contact. Stop chasing him. He clearly isn't a good dad, he sees it as babysitting! Says it all really.

So sorry for OP for your situation firstly he should be spending a day off with your DS he still has responsibilities as a dad. His family are an utter disgrace. i would cut them out completelt. They are enabling his behaviour.

I would request meditation regardless. If he refuses this can be progress further to court. He needs to step up and be a parent this includes regular access on his day off even if thats once a week to begin with.

I would also contact CSA and get the ball rolling in regards to maintence. He has responsibilites to his children.

How long have you had the house together and what you put in? I would seek another house and put the house up for sale and divide accordingly. You should be claim some benefits to help with costs. He is utimately going to want his share best to get another property and get your cut. I'm not sure how you stand with you not being married and how assets are divided up in terms or household items but i would suggest getting a solictor.

Agree with littlelegs set a date for meditation and inform him of it; he either shows or he doesn't,most let him argue tonre arrange. You gave him that option, he didn't take it, now he shows up or doesn't, his choice. Or send an email or text stating that if he does not reply with a date for you to book mediation you will regard it as a refusal to mediate and move forward accordingly.

As for the births what he wants has no bearing at all. Birth is not a spectator sport. Birth partners are there solely to support the birthing woman, end of. Seeing a child born is not an entitlement and if you are going to find him stressful, unsupportive, uncaring about your needs and harassing - and from what you're describing, you certainly will - then he may even negatively affect your labour by being there. Not to mention make the birth a distressing experience for you that's all about him, instead of it being about you deriving your beautiful daughter.

Take someone who will look after you and help you.

'Don't let him argue to re arrange' that should have read......bloody ipad...

Hello hurt you're in a similar situation to me. 2 year old DS and 35 weeks pregnant. Found out DH was having an affair she I was 18 weeks pregnant so hopefully I can give you some solid advice!
First, book the mediation anyway! He doesn't have to turn up, looks bad on him if he doesn't. You won't have to pay, most mediators will sort legal aid for you and solicitors if you have to take that route.
Secondly, are you married? If so you can get spouse maintenance as well as child combine this with benefits and you could afford to pay your mortgage and bills. If you're married he has to maintain the lifestyle you were used to before you separated.
Thirdly, carry on encouraging access, I know you hate him and it's difficult but you're the better person in all this. Don't worry about OW, feel lucky she's taken the scumbag off your hands!!
And lastly, there is nothing wrong with you. You can meet someone. I did

with regards to mediation he has to contact them himself to organise it for him. apparently they do a one to one then it's the couple but he's just not playing ball at all!
I have told him I don't want his family to be mediators and he said tuff basically. well there's today he is off all day and instead of having our son he's spending it with his gf!
he was supposed to support me until baby came with things like helping with our son and stuff like that he was supposed to help me pack up most of the hiuse and move it as I need to move back to my parents for a while after baby is born.(I live 3 flights up) when I asked if he was free to help either look after our son or carry stuff to a van he basically told me he doesn't have to tell me if he is free or not! this resulted in me being taken to hospital with a nervous breakdown!
I literally have no way of contacting him he has blocked my number completey I have to contact his parents so I wouldn't have it down in writing that I was asking him for dates which is annoying!
we aren't married we where living as a married couple but not married :/
as for the contact I have been trying encourage contact with my son but I don't agree with him having him on days he is working when he could have him on his days off 3-4 days off a week! he wants to take my son overnight too when he is working which means his mum would be looking after him all night and I don't agree with that either right now my son needs daddy son time not to then be left with his parents.

Unfortunately he is going to do whatever he wants and you won't be able to change it. It's sounds like he's playing a lot of control games and its going to be less stressful for you if you can accept he isn't going to do what you'd like and let it go. You're going to need legal advice. If he can ever be bothered to mediate or go to court to sort out child arrangements then you need to be aware he will probably get overnights and it won't be taken into account whether ex is home or whether ds stays with grandparents. With PR ex can decide how he plans for that time and you don't really have a say in it any more than he can direct your time alone with the children.

However if he is not willing to talk to you or go to mediation to arrange contact then ok, looks like he doesn't want contact. It may not be a good idea to encourage contact, purely because he may see that as another control struggle and it reinforces to him that you think the kids are your problem and will he please deign to notice them. Bollocks. He's an equal parent, he can let you know when he's ready to organise seeing his kids, his relationship with them is his problem now. You've made it clear you're happy to mediate for arrangements, that's your share of the job done.

I get where you're coming from with regards to how he uses the time with your DS but you can't control that.
Right now you need to concentrate on you, baby and DS. Let him be an arse ignore it and get legal advice.
As for him being a part of your pregnancy, that's all your choice. I've personally chosen to cut STBXH out. I've got a friend who'll be my birth partner and he's not allowed at any scans or there when I give birth. I don't want the stress, it's going to be hard as it is!