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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friendship drifting - Can anyone help?

18 replies

childish · 21/05/2004 14:35

I used to be very good friends with a girl - she is now getting very close to another mum. I am a grown up and know friendships move on and change but how do I get over the sense of loss for me and my DD (my DD and her DD were best friends). Not looking for sympathy just for ideas on how to move on and meet new people for me and my DD

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StripyMouse · 21/05/2004 14:49

How old is your DD? Do you go to any parent and toddler groups, gym clubs, playgroups etc.? When we moved to our house (DD1 was 18 months) we knew no one other than my folks and a couple of other relatives. Thanks to local parent and child type activites we have got to know quite a few people - hard work for me as I am painfully when it comes to building up friendships. Even going to the swings at a set time each week (normally after school has just finished lots of mums head straight there in our area) can help find new people to talk to. Good Luck.
Just one other thought - just because she has found another friend doesn?t mean she has stopped valuing your friendship, perhaps she just needs "time out" or to meet up more causally? Do you actually know for certain that your friendship has ended/changed for good? If you are presuming, perhaps you could invite her round again or even say something like " we haven?t got together for ages and I miss our chats, do you fancy coming round later.." type thing.

StripyMouse · 21/05/2004 14:52

oops, missed out a word there - meant to type "painfully shy"

Original poster

childish · 21/05/2004 14:58

Thanks SM - we are still friends but I would have said that before we were best friends - I know that sounds a bit childish but she was somebody I saw alot, went on holiday with and confided in when I had problems with DH - that part of the friendship is definitely over and I am probably in a bit of mourning for it. Thanks for all your suggestions though.

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twogorgeousboys · 22/05/2004 09:54

Why do you think the friendship has drifted?

I'm just wondering if some repair work might get it back on track. It seems so sad to lose a friendship that you obviously value - she might be feeling the same.

suzywong · 22/05/2004 10:04

Hi Childish
I'm sorry that you are feeling down about losing a best friend, but IME mums you get close to because your kids are friends do come and go as your kids move through the many phases of childhood.
My nieghbour, whom I had never even set eyes on let alone been friends with before had kids within 10 days of each other, became a very close friend and confidante when we were new mums together. And our kids were best friends. We got PG with second kids at exactly the same time but we drifted apart, largely due to her son's bashing of my son but that is a whole other story, and when the second babies came along we hardly saw each other.
I'm afraid it just happens. And I'm sure mums of teenagers will tell you that their kids' alliances and wars with other kids lead to all sorts of awkward situations at the school gates and curtailing of social lives.

The good thing is that if you have had a close friendship with one mum with a kid of a similar age to yours then there is plenty of scope for many more friendships in the future, but I know what you mean and I agree it can seem as though you are back in the fourth form at times.
HTH

Original poster

childish · 24/05/2004 11:55

Thanks Suzywong - am trying to mend things - sent her a text on Saturday inviting her out to lunch today - going to meet her soon - but am also trying to see other people for me and for DD. Re the son bashing - very interesting - one of the reasons that I do not see the other mum is that her son is a basher and I'm not having my dd bashed - never said anything to the other mum as she thinks I am a wuss - just taken my DD out of the situation.

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Beetroot · 25/05/2004 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

childish · 26/05/2004 10:55

Thanks for bumping the thread Beety - just going to go with the flow now. Thanks to all for the advice. Much appreciated

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Original poster

childish · 31/07/2004 00:02

I have been a grown up about this and tried to move on but because of a particular issue I had to contact this friend and we ended up talking about our friendship and what had happened - for reasons too long to go in to here she will now not be seeing the other mum as much as she used to - as a result she now has time on her hands - we spoke on Wednesday and she has called 3 times to try and get me and DD to go out with her and her DD - cheeky mare - now that the other one is not working she thinks she can just pick up where she left off - don't get me wrong I would like to see her again but I'm not going to drop all the new friends I've made an effort to meet and get to know just to do things with her all the time - no doubt when a new bf comes along she will drop me again - deep breath - rant over - thanks for reading

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bereft · 31/07/2004 07:57

I agree childish. The same thing has happened to me recently. I was, what I consider bf with someone, holidayed together etc etc etc but she has changed alot and seems to a have a new bf, that sounds childish. But new bf has recently had a lot on and been away too so guess who she calls. The moment new bf is on the scene i'm dumped like a stone. It has affected the way I feel about her which is sad. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same. I'm starting to realise albeit late that the only person you can rely on is yourself.

joanneg · 31/07/2004 09:36

childish - could it be a case of her taking you for granteed because you are such good friends - she doesnt have to make the effort because she knows that you will always be there (sort of like family). But with this new friend who she didnt know very well she had to put in the time beacsue they were developing a friendship?
I am not excusing her hurtful behaviour - just thinking why she has been like this. It seems to me if she was just making more effort with you because the other friendship has dissolved she might not have been so blatant about it. She obviously feels close to you.

Original poster

childish · 01/08/2004 22:46

I just know that once she has sorted out the issue with the other girl (involves the children) I will be dropped again - at the moment she wants mine and her DDs to do everything together - last time she called me for them to do something together was about March. Since Wednesday she has called every day>

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mummytosteven · 01/08/2004 23:04

childish - how does she take it if you say you are too busy to see her?

Original poster

childish · 01/08/2004 23:19

I have been a bit of a coward and not answered my mobile when her number comes up then text her later to say that I picked up the message too late to do anything with her. This is ridiculous - I am 37 years old for God's sake - I shouldn't have to play these games.

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Original poster

childish · 03/08/2004 12:57

Saw my friend on Saturday - they invited us to a BBQ at their house - it was a nice evening and I'm glad we went and it was nice of them to invite us. However I did feel that we had been invited as they are not seeing the other couple and the kids quite so much. But quess what! Had a phone call today from the other girl saying how she hasn't seen me for ages, we must catch up, get together,get the children play etc. I was gobsmacked to say the least. It was nice to be asked and I have arranged to see her in a couple of weeks. To be fair to her she has been very busy recently. Call me paranoid but I can't help feeling that as these two aren't seeing each other anymore with the children I am now good enough to socialise with! My paranoia is being fed by the fact that when I suggested lunch to have a grown up chat she was too busy. Are these two women just using my DD (and me) as their children aren't playing together anymore or am I just being super sensitive snd paranoid?

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yingers74 · 03/08/2004 14:39

hello Childish, making friends etc never gets any easier. I gave up work about 3 months ago to become a SAHM and I have found making friends with mums really quite difficult. I thought it would be easy and that other mums would be friendly and welcoming but in fact it is just like starting a new school but with only a limited time to speak to people! I have now pretty much given up(i chat to others but don't expect anything more) and my friends (none of which are mothers) do their best to keep me and dd amused! Reading this contrib is a tad depressing, I guess I should try harder......

Original poster

childish · 03/08/2004 14:44

Hang in there yingers74 - I became a SAHM last June and it is hard to start with with but it will get easier - there will be some people who will be nothing but acquaintances and you see them only because of the children. How old are your kids? Can you invite their friends over to play? You will at least getto chat to a mum if you do that. The other thing I would recommend if you are able to is a book group. You meet grown ups but they are usually parents. Where do you live?

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yingers74 · 03/08/2004 22:58

I live in west london. Funny you should mention a book group, as I am trying to orgainse one through my local NCT branch. My dd is 17 months and as yet have not really got to know any mums well enough to feel comfortable about inviting them over. Tah for the support and advice childish, take care

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