What happens if H doesn't want to separate, let alone divorce?

[3sleepingchildren]

H and I have been together for 17 years, married for 12.

I want to split up. I have done for years, and told him so about 4 years ago. He resisted then, and persuaded me to try counselling. I reluctantly agreed - reluctantly, because I knew what would happen (and did) - he would get there, be all charm and sweetness and light and make me out to be the unreasonable one. (Just to be clear, neither of us are perfect. I am sure I am as difficult to live with as he is).

Anyway, between me telling him I wanted to split and getting to the top of the list for counselling, I fell pregnant. Stupid, I know. But I really did only sleep with him once. Before that, no sex for about 3 years, and none since.

Anyway, counselling came around, I was by then 5ish months pregnant, and he did his charm offensive. We already had 2 disabled children, and I couldn't contemplate leaving at that point.

Dc3 was born, life got complicated, and time moves on. Fast forward 4 years, and I still want out.

He doesn't particularly want to be married to me (I do t think, and he certainly doesn't behave as though he does) but he wants a (second) divorce even less. He will absolutely resist splitting up.

So, what happens? I can't force him to leave the house. I can't leave myself (have been sahm for whole marriage, and trailing expat spouse before that, so no income, and no prospect of any as have 3 disabled dc - work is impossible) and have no intention of doing so as would mean leaving the dc. I am primary carer, and always have been. Situation is further complicated because dh lost his job last year, so is currently at home too (although not doing a whole lot of child related duties, it has to be said).

When he refuses to leave, what happens? I don't want the children dragged through a whole lot of unpleasantness - this will be difficult enough for them as it is.

Yes, it is those two grim years I cannot face.

The children are all small, youngest is only 3.

What you say makes sense, re: the longer I put it off the longer it will take. But those 2 years would not just be grim for me, they would be unbearably confusing and awful for the children. All of whom have autism, and will struggle to make sense of it all.

I just don't know if I have the energy for it.

It might be easier while the children are smaller, as they get older they will have more of a sense of what is going on, which could be more distressing to them.

My eldest is 11, but has learning difficulties. She won't fully understand it, whatever age she is.

The middle one is 9, and will overthink it all.

The youngest is 3, and will feel it most, as H has been most hands on with him. Possibly due to him knowing full well I was serious about asking to split 4 years ago, and that we would have done if I hadn't got pregnant. Also, with H having been at home since last August, that's a significant chunk of his life so far.

My parents split when I was 11. I felt pretty much only relief, as the atmosphere at home had been strained (although I'm not sure I recognised the depths of it until I had that feeling of relief). But then, although it got very nasty later on, my father left instantly, and so he house was a more peaceful place.

Most of all I don't want to have months, and possibly years, of the dc not knowing what is going on and being confused as it all gets dragged out. But I doubt it can happen any other way.

I also can't do anything about divorce until H gets another job. I wouldn't put it past him to claim equal input over this past 7 months, and try to be named primary carer. Especially if it would cut his financial responsibility. He will pay according to the law, but if he could find a loophole, then he would delight in paying less iyswim.

How about making an appointment with a solicitor now - ring around and see if you can find one who gives free initial appointments, there are plenty who did this in my area. Just treat it as an info session. Knowledge is power after all, and then when he starts in with bullshit about "I'll take the kids off you", "I'll leave you penniless" you'll be forewarned and forearmed, right?

Bear in mind that the longer you leave your DC in this environment, the more damage they're absorbing and the more lessons about how a relationship is between a woman and a shitty, bullying, controlling man, and that's okay

You sound completely defeated. It's depressing to read - I can only imagine how depressing it must be to live it.

I really think you would benefit from some counselling to support you while you decide what to do. You could ask Women's Aid and/or your GP. You could also read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, which might be very eye-opening for you.

I also think it would be a good idea to have a conversation with Rights of Women or a solicitor to get advice on what your options are and what will happen if and when you decide to go ahead with a divorce. Even if you don't act on it just yet, it would surely be good to know so you can think it over and be ready to take the step when the time comes.

Btw, I still don't understand why you and RunRabbit are saying you'll have to live in the same house for 2 years? Surely a divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour doesn't take that long?

You also own a flat?

Can you give notice to your tenants and move in there?

You say you can't leave but you could. It would be the harder road to take, but would it really be harder than living the life you're in for the next 50 years?

I do need to talk it through with someone properly.

Life keeps intervening, and like starting a diet, I find myself putting it off - I'll do it best week/month/after the holiday etc. But at some point I do need to just gather the info.

I have a funeral to attend this week, and it occurred to me today that I have organised everything for H for when I am away (going tomorrow, back Thursday late), and I don't even trust him to be able to get the children up and read for school with the right books/bags/instruments, not even know what time pick up is etc. That's just pathetic on his part - he's been at home for over 6 months now, and he wouldn't have the first clue. I'll be writing out lists and timetables for him, right down to what's in the fridge. He is just so disconnected from our everyday life, and cannot be bothered to know what is going on. He relies on me to know, and get the majority of it done.

I'm still not convinced that there are grounds for unreasonable behaviour, but I'll take your word for it there are. It honestly isn't so bad as all that, but I am just tired of it all.

I can't move into the flat, as it is in a different area (London, and we are not) so wouldn't work for schools etc. Plus need to stay in current county due to SN Statement/school placement.

It's not so much I can't leave, more I can't leave now. If it were just me i would happily walk away right now with whatever I could pack in a bag. But it isn't, and I need to make sure my children's futures are also secure. Especially since at least one of them will never live independently. And so leaving now is not an option - I have no means to rent anywhere, and no way of achieving a deposit etc. Doubt H would help achieve that. So until the house works re finished, I stay put. At that point we will have the option of working out the finances and selling up or one of us staying put.

We are on holiday next week, and this was my first barrier to saying anything to H, as it is a holiday that dd2 has been desperately looking forward to (and is across her birthday) so I didn't want that spoilt for her.

Your situation sounds incredibly tough. I also have 2 SN children (one severe learning disabilities, one with significant mental health issues) and am divorced from their father. At the point when I needed to split from their father, if I had become pregnant with another disabled child, I think that might have broken me. You have been incredibly strong. I think some counselling will help you to reach a point where you do see your H's unreasonable behaviour and gain some more inner determination to see this through somehow.

Actually what you have said would be easy to put down as unreasonable behaviour. Ive heard of people putting petty things down like 'she never did the washing up' and 'i hated the fact he sat in front of the tv all night and refused to socialise' and its gone through as its what the * petitioner deems unreasonable'. there is not a hard set list you have to pick from!

This is off a solicitors UK site to prove to you that you only need mild examples and that judges will not decide its not unreasonable enough and force you to stay married!

To obtain a divorce on the ground of unreasonable behaviour English law insists that (a) that the marriage has broken down irretrievably and (b) that one of the parties to the marriage has behaved in such an unreasonable manner that the other finds it intolerable to live with him or her. Or, at least, that is what it requires if divorce is sought on the ground of unreasonable behaviour. Although this sounds rather a difficult thing to prove the reality of the matter is that the courts do not set a very demanding standard and in practice it is not normally too difficult to find some examples of "unreasonable behaviour" sufficient to satisfy a court that a marriage has broken down. The courts adopt a realistic attitude. They know that if one party to a marriage feels so strongly about it as to issue a divorce petition the marriage has irretrievably broken down so far as that person is concerned and it would be futile to pretend otherwise