More confusion.. May be trivial

[newstartnewthinking]

Hi

I recently posted asking for advice regarding my anxiety in a new relationship. I couldn't link the thread, so reposted (I'm going to ruin this please stop me, thread)

Well, I'm now at a crossroads. On the surface he does seem a genuine guy, and all this may very well still be in my head and MY issues. But..

We see each other a lot less. This is because he is studying like crazy to pass his exams. I have continued to encourage this. However, he studies with a small group of people in the same boat. He mentions one woman in particular, whom he says openly that he gets on the best with her. He goes to her house weekends to study. He admits she's a very good friend now (he's known her slighly less time than me) and in his words "loves her to bits". He said she confides in him and he helps her with her relationship woes and the pressure she is under with the studying and up and coming exams. She is younger than him, and he said when we first met he'd never in a million years date anyone a lot younger than him (there's a 12 yr gap). He said she is getting upset as a lot of gilts are hitting on her..by his admission, he said she is very attractive so it has caused a stir between the men in the study group.

Yes..I won't lie. I'm insecure, jealous (even though I know I am attractive and get male attention..but my self esteem is zero!)

He's tone of text, although always ending with a kiss has changed. I want to believe it's because he is so busy. He does reassure me that when he passes we can resume getting to know each other more etc, but I feel this time apart etc, has put a wedge between a potential blossoming relationship.

I'm now wondering if I should end this. He in every way seems decent. But I'm wondering if this added time with this woman (he spends way more time with her than me atm) is bonding them together. Do I want to Sir back and watch it unfold?

I feel like I may need to really focus on myself and be single. I just don't know if I'm overreacting.

He doesn't know how I'm feeling tbh. I don't want him to realise just how insecure I am..

Might be worth mentioning, that although the saying that he "loves her to bits" may be a general though less saying, he has never once expressed that kingly of emotion to me. He says he likes me a lot... it just feels like I'm not lovable. I don't know. I feel really silly writing this :-(

Sorry about the spelling and grammar. I'm using a phone to type

Well you are definitely not his priority at the moment are you and on that basis I would end it. He is putting his studies and this woman before you. You are not stupid and you have picked up the not into you so much any more vibes loud and clear.

Thank you. I was thinking that. Although I don't expect to be his priority over the studying (we are in an early-ish relationship) and his career is without doubt going to be more important at this stage. He's worked hard to get where he is, and he has to think about his fire for him and his child. But, the fact that this woman seems to get so much of his time and thoughts..well it just doesn't sit right with me.

*future not fire

If it doesn't sit right with you, it ISN'T right for you and you're best advised to end it now because it's obvious that he has feelings for the ow he's taken to 'studying' with in her home at weekends.

I suspect her alleged attractiveness couple with the attention she gets from the other guys in the group has turned his head has stoked his ego, as has the 12 year age gap.

Be aware that he'll contact you again when she's given him the boot, which she will do as she's no doubt as amibitious as he is, and may be full of bullshit about how he became so engrossed in his exams he didn't have time for anything else, etc., etc.

Thank you. Can you shed any light on why he hasn't just dumped me?

He text tonight saying he is looking forward to seeing me at some point this week. First time in a long while he's said that. We have no ties, in fact, I have a lot of 'baggage'. He could just end it. Do you think he is keeping options open, or this woman isn't interested but he fancies her nevertheless?

I'm going to end it anyways. I just don't think I can ever trust again.

He's being honest telling you about her & he's studying for a better future. If he'd not mentioned her & you accidentally had found about her, then it would of looked like he was hiding something.

He makes firm plans to see this woman, and sticks to them, but to you it's "we'll see each other at some point this week", is it?

He's just not that into you, OP.

The reason he's not dumping you outright is probably just a combination of laziness and cowardice. Lots of people are like that.

Please value yourself more highly than he does and end it. He'll probably end up with that other woman very shortly. Galling, yes. But remaining in a relationship with someone who just doesn't value you is soul-destroying. Your self-esteem will take a long and slow battering if you stay. Better to go with the short sharp pain of ending things, on your terms, because you are not being valued as you should.

Well the younger woman may just be studying, she may not see him as a love interest at all. He may have got over his unrequited crush. Who knows?

I'd give it a tiny little bit longer.

Sounds like a very new relationship. I wouldn't end it, but, I wouldn't be exclusive to him either. In all these gaps when he's studying, I'd be playing the field and dating other men. That way, you're not over invested in him and you are keeping all of your options open. I wouldn't lie about it either. If he takes offence, that's too bad. He really should be chasing you at this point.

I think he definitely fancies this other woman but doesn't want to be like the other guys that have tried it on. He's in a good place with her, he spends a lot of time with her and she confides in him he knows it would be a risk to try it on and it's safer to have you there. It is probably no more than study and flirting but it could develop though. How much do you like him?

It should not be this difficult this early on.
I'd end it as well.
Get yourself back.
Get out and enjoy yourself.

Thank you for all your replies. A mix response, so I'm letting it soak in to try and figure out what next. A bit of context.

I've never had a good or nice relationship -ever. Up until recently, he was the opposite in every way. It has never been a passionate start. But I saw that a a good thing because I thought it meant the relationship would blossom and it wasn't all about sex etc. I felt valued and respected.

He's career was just starting out. He's a training policeman, so as you can imagine, the work load/study is mega full on. So basically, it's gone from not much study to full on. I have tried to be supportive and I understand it's a short phase.

We had a very short phase of the going out and dating scene and within a month we literally went to each others houses, cooked for each other etc but stopped going out due to him studying. I've also noticed we only sleep with each other after a drink. Never spontaneous. And I get a kiss (peck) on the lips when I see him. Only kiss properly in bed. I know sex isn't the be all and end all. But combined with the above, I can't work out if it's me or him.

That's why even if I'm totally wrong about him, I may just need a break from men and work on myself. You're right.. it shouldn't be this hard so early on

I think that you're right to walk away. He may well only be friends with her but he should know that the situation with her may make you feel insecure and be ramping up his effort with you to prove there's nothing in it and that you're more special to him but he's not. If he's not putting in the effort now he won't do it later.

He just seemed so different. Calm, chilled, nice character. Means I can never trust my judgement 😕

It does sound like you need to be on your own for a while. This will give you the confidence to trust your judgement. Have a chat with him and suggest you are thinking of having a break maybe and see what he says. Go from there.

After not hearing from him all day.. assuming he will say he's been too busy. I think I'm going to call it a day.

Don't know how to start that conversation!

I think you're right. You don't seem to be getting anything out of this relationship other than self doubt and your confidence being knocked.

When you end it, keep it simple. Just say that it isn't working for you.

Good luck.

Thank you. I'm really not am I. I should do this by phone and not text, right?

Oh poor you, but good you're not hanging around flogging any horses, dead or otherwise!

Thank you. I'm nervous. I really liked him. But I do not like this feeling even more so. This should be the honeymoon stage! If I stay single then I can't keep getting let down.

Anyone got any tips to keep busy? I am trying to set up a new business so that should help. Plus I have my kids half the time. It's the other half time in the evenings that's going to be tough. And money is a huge issue for me right now!

Thanks again all.

I have read both your threads and I can just feel your anxiety! Anyway, I am similar to you in that my relationships have never been healthy etc. The last man I was with, I felt like you but I stuck with it for 8 years!

My instinct kept trying to tell me to get out but I kept ignoring it. After 8 years of a dead end relationship, I finally ended it. He made a great thing of us remaining friends but one month later he was with another woman and totally ignored me.

I kick myself for not listening to my gut. I am still bitter over it and fantasise revenge!

I think if a relationship is right it would feel right surely? Good luck.

Have a look at meetup.com in your area.
There may be some things that interest you with groups of people that don't cost money.
Could you volunteer for a local group?
Brownies or scouts or similar.
Or volunteer to help the needy in your area or a rescue centre maybe?