Please help me, panic attack, husband just gone completely mad and stormed out

[leliondemer]

Just started another thread.

Husband and I have just had a massive row about PIL. IN short I suggested they come to stay for four or five nights and they extended their stay by three. Doesnt really suit me as I find them hard work and overbearing.

I talked to my husband about it and asked him to ask them to leave a day earlier so I get a bit of time to myself over the weekend. He has just gone absolutely mad. He has been throwing my stuff around the house , hitting doors and windows, slamming everything he can and calling me a stupid bitch;

He has stormed out the house now and I have no idea where he has gone.

I have just had a panic attack, his words were so awful and he was so angry.

My dd is alseep in her bedroom

I feel totally lost and I don't know who i can turn to.

He will never say sorry for his outburst, I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading and sorry for rambling.

You need to let his parents know. The strain of them staying is not worth this stress, you only have a 2 bed flat!

You also know there is no future if you stay in a violent relationship when you have a child. You will be seen to not be protecting your child. Not putting her needs first.

Your relationship with your dh will never be the same again. Do not blame yourself but you do need to ensure the safety and wellbeing of yourself and your child now.

There is no excuse for his behaviour. It will probably escalate. Seek help, you are not over reacting.

He is an abusive, angry man. What do you get out of this relationship? Are you able to financially support yourself?

Sorry you are going through this. You need to get help for your daughter's sake as well as your own. Trust me, it is very unlikely that she sleeps through the shouting and screaming and it will scar her for life.

He won't change, only ever get worse and will start on dd.

You ok with that? If so, call social services now, or save thousands for the therapy she'll need to over come it.

She'll repeat this violent relationship in her life too.

Those are the stakes.

This is not to make you feel worse, it's to help you see how important you are and how important the Decisons you can make will shape your lives.

I know it seems like an immense hill to climb, but every journey starts with a single step. Once you start it's easier and easier to keep taking those steps. Eventually it's down hill all the way to freedom

This man is violent, you can not do nothing.

I have no one nearby but I have spoken to my sister who is on the other side of the world: she has been great. I feel very shaky still and petrified of him coming back.

I am going to call women's aid equivalent (I am not in the uk) tomorrow.

I don't know where we can go from here but I can't expose my darling daughter to this. That would make me a bad mum.

Thank you for your support. It's really helped tonight.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, and so sorry this is happening. I could have written your exact post about 18 months ago. Foolishly, because dh had never actually hit me, I didn't recognise it as domestic violence, although I knew it was abusive, and was quietly making plans to find a way of getting myself and the children out of the situation.

Any percrived criticism of dh's parents was a trigger for this kind of behaviour. It was really hard! I bent over backwards to accommodate them (although they are very unreasonable people, so it was difficult! )

Eventually, dh hit me, and it was in front of the children so I called the police. The whole thing was dreadful, and of course social services got involved as well. They seemed to feel that I had failed to protect my children

Now that I have learned more about the dynamics of abuse, I can see where your situation is heading. Please get out while you can

I'm sure this all feels horrible and overwhelming tonight. Try to get some rest, but do call Women's Aid tomorrow x

Cross post. Well done for being so strong

What did your sister say about all this? I really don't think it necessary or desirable for PIL to be visiting every six weeks. Especially when they occupy the living area/hub of your place. Literally, physically, everything revolves around them when they are in residence. Is there any way they could stay elsewhere - like a motel - and visit from a room elsewhere? Not quite so often? I mean, why so often anyway?

Your H is another matter, with his terrifying tantrums that boil over into violent attacks, getting worse each time I expect. You know he'll likely move on from hitting the home to hitting you, right? As he sees your fear increase he'll feel his power in this household increase too. That's when it might get very scary indeed. I might be wrong. I hope I am. But think along your current lines and follow what your instinct says you should do. Make that call too, please.

Don't for one second think that you are alone. You're not. You have us.

When I realised I was in an abusive relationship, I had mumsnet to show me.

My family activity wanted me to stay in the relationship because it me them feel better, they didn't have the worst relationship anymore if I was still with the ex.

The only support I had was right here. That's why I am here, that's why others are here, to give back the support we had when we most needed it.

You're no longer as vulnerable , because you are seeing things for what they are. That makes you stronger. That makes you a good mum. You can do this.

You have to do this, but please know that it will get better. Staying with a man like this only gets worse.

There is a brilliant book, Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. It may help you to see they dynamic here.

Thanks all. So he came home late in the end and I felt very scared. I was in our dd's room. He was ranting about things I'd done and then he came into her bedroom to tell me to sleep in our room and he would sleep on the sofa.
He slammed the living room door and then I tried to get some sleep which wasn't easy.
This morning we did ntp speak.
My sister told me he has to work out where his anger is coming from as every time we discuss his parents he flies off the handle but this was really bad.
She said it is abuse and that I need to report it - not necessarily for the police to speak to him but to have a log.
She is of course right.
I picked up some info about women's aid at dd's nursery this morning.

Thank you for your support , it really got me through last night.

I'm so glad you had your sister to talk to. She's right, it would be a good idea to hey this logged with the police, fo all sorts of reasons. Also glad you got the number for women's aid - they are very helpful.

Please do something with that women's aid info. Don't just put it in a drawer until next time.

Wherever this anger of his may come from, it is not acceptable for him to use you as an emotional punchbag. You are a human being, with feelings, and furthermore you are his partner - someone he should love and respect. All of us feel anger sometimes, but how we choose to express it is always within our control. Clearly, a part of him believes that it is ok for him to subject you to this.

If he cannot treat you with respect and decency, then he is no kind of partner to you.

What he does, how he chooses to address his behaviour going forward (if at all), is all HIS business. You cannot make him see the light or seek therapy on his behalf. All you can do is focus on those things which are your responsibility: your own happiness and safety, and DD's.

Who do you want to spend your time with? You get to choose.

You do not want to spend more than x days with his parents, and you are entitled to say that.
Similarly, you do not need to share a flat or a life with a person who calls you a stupid bitch and physically intimidates you.

Yes I don't feel loved at all. I feel despised. I can't work this morning, which isn't good as I have a lot of things on my plate.

I can't undertstand how angry he can get. He is always filled with tension. Everything is always a problem. I'm sick of it.

An on my way to a meeting now so will look at the info o picked up from nursery.

He needs to work out his anger AWAY from you.

Glad you have your sister for support, I agree with her about reporting his behaviour to the police so they have it on record.
Hope you can contact WA (or the local equivalent) soon.
Please make a plan of what you would do in case of emergency. Gather the important documents for you and DD, think about where you would go with her if you needed to leave. If he is physically violent again (this includes violent towards objects, not just violence towards you) please call the police on the emergency number.
WA have advice about staying safe and planning to leave - your local organisation might too, but if not check out the WA website. Delete your browsing history too. And make sure he doesn't have access to your phone, email or other online accounts.

You should not have to live in fear. You will end up a nervous wreck.

I read your last thread. So sorry it's escalated.

Adults just shouldn't be pretending their uncontrolled anger is somehow ok. It just isn't. Especially not when it's his default mode of expressing yourself.

I'm glad you are finding out about a WA equivalent. Do you have roots and support in your country of residence? Sounds like it would really help if you could touch base with people who aren't going to be scary, out of control or insulting... Where does he get off thinking he can be so lacking in respect for the woman he had children with! Ffs.

Btw I think it sounds more like rage than anger... According to some dodgy talk show I once watched (! Disclaimer alert!), range is what happens when anger doesn't get acted on, or when it's anger + inability to change. I quite related to that, as it made me realize that rage is always impotent and negative, whereas anger can be quite a positive emotion if channelled into determination to change. Eg I'm angry my h spoke to me like I'm a piece of crap => channelled into 'I will not be around to be his shipping boy = anger as force for good, ie. What you might be feeling now :)

Hi OP how are you just now? Have you ever tackled your husband in the past about his violent temper and told him it´s not acceptable? If so, what has he said to explain himself? No woman should have to live in fear of her partner, and that´s what you´re doing. Why wait until the day he takes a swing at you? Maybe give him an ultimatum? If he doesn´t seek help to address and remedy his issues and temper then you´re gonna leave and take your daughter with you. I obv wouldn´t say this when he´s angry, but catch him off-guard, when you´re out in a public place for security maybe?

Just a thought. Maybe the realisation that you´ve reached your limit and you´re willing to take the next reasonable step in protecting yourself and your daughter cos you don´t feel safe around him could be a wake-up call to him? The atmosphere in your home must be horrendous.

As for your inlaws...clearly them and your OH have some sort of back issue there if they aren´t interested in seeing their own son and he doesn´t wanna spend time with them! Very strange and suspect.....Don´t tell us he buggers off and it´s up to you to entertain them and tend to their needs the whole visit?! And how come they´re visiting so frequently anyways? That´s a LOT, and they live abroad? They must be loaded, therefore can´t you suggest they stay in a guesthouse or something instead?

I wouldn´t dream of coming to camp out on someone´s livingroom floor for a week cos they´ve only got 2 rooms! I´d do the decent thing and sort a hotel or the like. They sound over-bearing and presumptious! How dare they extend their stay without asking your permission knowing they´re encroaching on your limited living space! Sounds WAY too cosy for me. But the thing is, you´ve let them visit so frequently so that´s what they´ll be used to. As lovely as they are, I wouldn´t want my PIL staying with us every 6wks for that length of time.

I hope you´ve made some headway with the Women´s Aid thing. You need to instigate some change here cos I´m worried if left he´s gonna get worse and hit you next. He´s bang out of order and he needs to address his issues or he loses his priviledge of being a full-time dad.

Don't tackle him about anything. I know this is your dh we are talking about, and you know him better than anyone, but generally speaking women are most at risk when they are trying to leave / put sage boundaries in place. He's already shown that he is capable of violence and intimidation and controlling behaviour. Things might possibly escalate if you start showing signs of standing up for yourself.

Please do get some decent professional advice (eg women's aid or your local domestic abuse support service). Don't put yourself or your daughter at risk.

Oh dear, this sounds horribly dramatic. .. But you do know that this situation is wrong, that you don't deserve it, that your daughter should not grow up thinking this is normal or okay.
Hope you're okay today? x

Stamp this out before things escalate. It always does. Next time he's yelling call the cops. You'll see just how quickly he is able to control his temper.

If he did this to someone in the street he would be arrested. There's no reason why he should get away with it in your home.

Thanks for furtjer support.

Haven't spoken to my husband since Sunday now. He was out last night and came home late. I felt too shaken to talk to him.

I am now seeking advice and spoke to a friend yesterday. It was hard because I felt ashamed of my situation but she was really good.

I feel more in control now. I am not going to let this continue. Even if it means leaving.

Thanks to everyone. Appreciate it.

That´s great news You sound like you´ve made up your mind. What are you going to do?

You´ve nothing to be ashamed about cos you´ve done nothing wrong! He´s the one in the wrong, and any sensible person will be able to see that if you describe things to them. You´ve not only had to tolerate a pain in the arse husband for ages but also his pain in the arse parents too!

That would make most people wanna have a meltdown. You deserve a medal!