Can someone please talk to me about my FWB situation

[busymumtime]

I'll try to keep it brief. Divorced last year after a miserable decade of marriage (he left me for someone else). A short while ago I met a guy through mutual friends, who divorced also around the same time. We really hit it off and for the past month have been seeing each other every week, with almost daily contact by text. We agreed early on that it was a non-serious thing, which seems to suit us both. I really like him and it appears to be mutual.

It's been going well, I thought. But something happened on Friday night that has had me a bit worried and upset. We had a night out with our mutual friend group, who don't know about anything going on between us. Beforehand we agreed to 'behave', and I made an effort to circulate among the rest of the group. There was a lot of alcohol going on.

Late in the evening I noticed FWB hadn't spoken to me once. He was spending a lot of time with some of the other girls in the group, one in particular who he had his arm around a lot and she was being equally flirty. We changed venue and when I was at the bar he appeared and was flirting with me. After that someone else in the group said to me that he was being very flirty with the other girl and had now moved on to me.

Not helped by alcohol I was getting a bit neurotic in my head and eventually pulled him to one side. He was very drunk so couldn't really get much sense out of him and I think I made an utter tit of myself by telling him I didn't really want to be anybody's 'second choice' and that I was going home. He persuaded me to stay - in the meantime the other girl had rung him (he missed the call) and it appears she had gone home. Everyone clearly noticed that something was going on between him and me and I'll admit I was a bit embarrassed.

I took him home then and spent the night there, leaving him with a raging hangover Saturday morning. I'm completely confused by his behaviour, my reaction and what the hell I do now. I have a tendency to get very insecure and anxious anyway. And now I'm wondering if I can do a FWB situation. Please be gentle but - help?

Why does your relationship have to be a secret among the group you socialise with ?

It just seems set up for these ridiculous teenage shenanigans, tbh

I've never had a fwb situation. So am no expert. But it sounds like a casual relationship is not for you. Did you nail down the terms of the arrangement? Monogamous? Non monogamous? Flirting allowed? As you socialise together with mutual friends I would have thought that would have been sensible. This arrangement was obviously flawed which became apparent on Friday. Plus with copious amounts of alcohol it was bound to get messy. I guess you both apologise to each other and figure out whether this still works?

Insecurity and anxiety are hardly the personality characteristics of someone engaging in a FWB relationship. It appears alcohol has loosened your tongue and revealed your jealousy over your FWB hitting on other women. You got jealous because your FWB isn't exclusive, did you not discuss the parameters of your agreement beforehand?

FWB sound good on paper but in reality they can get very complicated if you don't stay on the same page. It's time to be honest with yourself about your feelings for this guy.

Your friends can know the score, surely?

Even as a teenager and early twenty-year old I had FWB situations which were totally known about within friendship groups - this was 15-20 years ago!! It is completely socially acceptably, and helps to prevent exactly the kind of situation you describe.

Talk to him. If you can't, he isn't your friend.

I think the point is that neither of them is thinking of it as 'a relationship'. In theory, it's just friends who occasionally sleep together. In practice, especially after a break-up, it's v difficult for one or the other not to develop the sort of feelings that lead to attachment and jealousy.

Op - I don't know what to advise. I'd hope that that either you can have a long talk and come to some arrangemnt you're both happy with, or you decide to call it a day. I don't think you'll be happy unless it involves some sort of exclusivity, or, at the very least he doesn't play the field when you're actually there. He might not want this and consider he's free to do whatever he likes. In which case, walk away.

As far as your social circle goes, either you confirm their suspicions by being a couple, or dismiss the whole thing as having had too much drink.

Hi, step away for a while, if you want to meet someone for a relationship, spend some time doing that, if that not what you are wanting at the moment, find a new fwb. Also get busy with a million and one other things. FWBs are like hats, its worth having a few hanging about to do different things with (not just sex things!), you wouldnt wear a balaclava to a wedding.

I'll be honest, I really wasn't expecting to feel jealous at all . But it hit me really hard on Friday and it's left me feeling anxious. It's still very early days so the issue of how to behave in public among friends is a new one. I was happy not to have to be all over each other on Friday but not having a conversation at all (when we talk all the time) just confused me. I didn't think I'd want another relationship ever but if my behaviour on Friday isn't just a blip I need to think about what to do next.

I don't think you are cut out for FWB's when the FWB is part of your social circle.

By the sounds of it, you want more than FWB with this guy. That's not what he signed up for, and until you move away from him, you are not going to stand a chance of getting that. He thinks its sex not love so its ok for him to flirt about with other women, or he is trying to make you jealous by acting like this, or he is trying to push you away. With some men, you never can tell, and they chose a reason for a behaviour as it suits them or none at all. You cant loose by moving on to someone, or something else to occupy you, he will come back, it might not be in the way you want him to, but that wont matter, because you will have moved on. There really is plenty more fish in the sea, keep swimming, another one will swim along.