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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be pissed off about this?

27 replies

VelvetSpoon · 31/01/2016 13:44

Interested in some views. I think my bf will have the hump about this. I'm quite sensitive at the moment, and blame myself for things but in this case I really don't feel I'm at fault.

Today I'm going to meet him and his DC for an activity. I've met his DC many times over the last year (this isn't our first meeting or anything). I don't drive, so as usual I go down to his by train. This takes about an hour on the train (2 trains, plus wait in between) plus a 10 min walk from my house. He always picks me up from the station at his end.

So today is a rail replacement bus on part of the journey. I left home extra early (half an hour before the bus was due) so I wouldn't miss it. The bloody thing turned up late, then we got stuck in traffic meaning I missed the connecting train. As a result I'm 30 mins later than planned, and by the time I arrive it will be over 2.5 hours since I left my house! Which is pretty crap. But also one of those things.

However I am expecting him to be fed up because he thinks I should drive and then wouldn't have these problems, also because we've planned to do an activity with his DC which finishes at 4, and now I'll probably be too late for that.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 31/01/2016 13:48

It's not your fault there's issues on the train and driving isn't essential - it's not like you're askihg him to collect you from your house and you're the one whose been stuck on public transport for hours on end!

Can they go to the activity & you jump in a taxi and meet them there so they're not waiting for you?

gamerchick · 31/01/2016 13:49

But even if you drove you would still have been stuck in traffic wouldn't you?

I think i would just turn around and go home if I knew he was going to get the hump.

Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 13:52

My first thought is WTF?
Shit happens, no-one should get the arse over a late bus that isn't your fault. Doesn't stop him doing things with his kids.

The only way I'd have a slight sympathy is if you're constantly late, and the kids miss out and (I'm not going to be popular here!) you're one of those types that posts on MN about being nervous about driving on motorways - and then doesn't get some lessons and experience to sort it. Faffy people. If he's constantly having to run around after you because you choose not to drive, then I could understand him having the hump in a straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back sort of way.

But... Generally, no - he shouldn't be an areshole over this.

Interesting that you describe yourself as quite sensitive at the moment. Are you? Or is he telling you are when you have legitimate complaint?

Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 13:54

In fact, yours is the kind of post where I'm curious to search posting history, with a sense I'll see all kinds of shit from him. It's just not normal in a good relationship for someone to expect the hump over a late bus.

gamerchick · 31/01/2016 13:54

I don't think the OP drives full stop.

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2016 13:55

By the time you get there it'll be time to come home! Do you return on a Sunday?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/01/2016 13:55

You're anticipating being blamed for something outside of your control. Why is that?

To be honest, if I'd known there was going to be a rail-replacement service I'd have cancelled the visit altogether. A one-hour journey entailing two trains is about the absolute limit I'd be prepared sacrifice. Especially if I was expected to take part in an activity with kids who weren't mine.

How on earth can he expect you to drive there when that's not possible, can he magic up a license and a car for you to drive in an instant?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 31/01/2016 13:58

No, I am sensitive, I've just started therapy for anxiety/ worry, and I know therefore I do have a tendency to think the worst, expect people to be annoyed with me if anything goes wrong etc, cycle of negative thoughts and all that.

I don't drive because I haven't passed my test (time and money have prevented me, also because I live just outside London so don't need a car, bf lives much further out). I don't expect him to run me around, if he offers a lift then fine, but I almost never ask, always make my own way to his station etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 31/01/2016 14:03

Shit, you couldn't make this up, the train I'm now on is delayed meaning I'm going to miss my next connection (ie an hour late) Bollocks.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 14:04

That's great that you have started therapy!

Have you got any reason FROM EXPERIENCE (not your anxiety) to think that he'll be fed up with you?

Have you talked in therapy about strategies when you feel this way?

Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 14:04

Oh Velvet that sucks!

Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 14:07

Look, just in case this isn't only your anxiety and your bf is an arse, can I tell you how that would go with my bf?

Either - we'd laugh at just how badly it'd fucked up, he'd groan and commiserate and we'd agree I'd just turn and go home.

Or - if there was time before the kids activities, he'd meet me off the first train. If two trains take only an hour in total, it can't be THAT far from his to that station, surely?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 31/01/2016 14:14

My mistake, I will make the connection. So 30 mins late still, which is better than I thought a few mins ago :)

I've literally only just started therapy, so whilst I'm trying to remember what they told me I'm only one session in so still trying to embrace the idea of not worrying.

I know if I was just going to meet him and was late he'd be fine. I know he doesn't like to disappoint his DC and if he is fed up, it will almost certainly be for that reason.

OP posts:
RomiiRoo · 31/01/2016 14:15

If you have phoned him and alerted him, he can plan around it or pick you up or whatever. If he gets the hump after you have been sat on the train for hours, then he has not got your interests at heart. As PPs have said, delay is a fact of life, it is nothing to do with life decisions or circumstances of yours.

Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 14:17

Well, try to see this as a positive! You can take this example to your next therapy session and talk about how you dealt with it / could have dealt with it.

You really really shouldn't be anxious and your bf getting the arse over a 30 min delay. Even if it impacted his kids - shit happens - though there's no reason it should impact them.

fuzzpig · 31/01/2016 14:32

Are you worried about his reaction in particular? Or would you be just as worried if it was, say, a friend you were late for?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 31/01/2016 14:36

Will definitely mention at my next therapy, that's a really good suggestion thanks.

I did text at soon as I knew I'd be late. He's replied and kind of said shit happens but also that his DC specifically wanted dinner at x place, but he'll have to rethink as there won't be time now. Which I guess could be as much him just letting me know (trying to go on the facts and not assume the worst as advised in therapy!) as it could be he's fed up at altering plans.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 14:46

Try taking everything at face value. He's just chit chatting about dinner at x place.
If you're not anxious about any subtext, you'd probably just think "oh yeah he loves X - let's do it next week! Or how about we go to Y as it's also but closer."

RomiiRoo · 31/01/2016 15:35

I'd also keep your mind open; if you suffer from anxiety and his attitude makes you anxious, then your mental well-being comes into the equation as well. You have needs and feelings too, it is really easy to get into everything revolving round the DC during his contact times. This is fine for him, but not necessarily your issue.

Shit happens, but he's the parent; he needs to be flexible enough to deal with issues which crop up.

CheersMedea · 31/01/2016 15:54

Can't you find a bf who lives closer?

Just reading all of this makes me feel exhausted! Honestly, two trains, connections, buses. I'm not sure anyone is worth that much hassle at all. Especially less so if you are naturally anxious.

There are a lot of men in the world and a lot who will be a lot closer!

To answer your question - anyone who gets in a huff about public transport delays is an arsehole. The only exception being if the person claiming public transport delays is habitually and consistently late and there is a good basis to think they are lying and just set off late.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 01/02/2016 12:46

Well all was ok(ish) in the end, DC got their activity and to eat at the place they wanted. However due to me being late/ delays in restaurant we were late for DC to be picked up, but bf's view was that was unavoidable.

He's (understandably) keen to ensure they enjoy themselves when they're with him (they do sometimes complain of being bored etc even when they've done several things over the weekend) and Sundays are quite time pressured due to me not getting there til the afternoon, pick up etc.

As for picking a bf that lives closer, he's 25 miles away so not exactly long distance! It just takes a while by train, though car is only 30-40 mins or so

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2016 12:47

Why doesn't he drive over with his kids to the area that you live in and do stuff there ?

ricketytickety · 01/02/2016 12:54

Can you go down the night before and avoid the rushing to get there?

Kidnapped · 01/02/2016 12:56

If you are normally the one that travels to his, can you suggest that they come to yours the next time? And then take it in turns after that.

Or meet them halfway so that you only have to get the one train? It is only fair that you both share the hassle of travelling to see each other.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 01/02/2016 13:00

Medea said: "Can't you find a bf who lives closer? Honestly, two trains, connections, buses. I'm not sure anyone is worth that much hassle at all. There are a lot of men in the world and a lot who will be a lot closer!"

Ah, if it were always so simple.