Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

keep thinking i should get back in contact with my dad

52 replies

Branleuse · 31/01/2016 11:56

I havent spoken to my dad for a couple of years. He is almost certainly a narcissist and anxious whilst we always got on fine from a distance (we live hundreds of miles apart) He cannot handle visits, especially if I take one of the children. I took all 3 once and it was awful. Ive only taken one at a time since then but he still cant handle it. Every time ive been up there to visit, ive tried to tell myself to not rise to his bait, but I cant help it. He goads until I lose it. Last time I saw him he started on my teenager within 24 hours of us being there, when he hadnt seen me for a year, and hadnt seen ds1 for 3 years. hes just a really difficult person, but hes also really creative and interesting. I cant even list the bad points. He was violent to my mum and my brother, but never to me (golden child) but I can see how he could be because you can see him getting angry, more and more passive aggressive and shitty. He can be fucking horrible.

Anyway. hes already disowned my brother years ago. He alienates everyone at some point tbh because he knows it all and is never ever wrong. Everyone else is. All the fucking time. Ive gone NC with him several times, but I always end up calling back and we pretend nothings happened. he doesnt ever get back in touch with me. I finally went NC this last time because of him acting with my son the way he acts with me.

The reason I keep thinking i should get in touch, is he has heart disease. Hes nearly died from it a few times, and had various heart surgery. I reckon hes probably on his last few years tbh. I dont want it to be awkward when he dies. The only other person he gets on with is his lovely long term partner who only copes with him IMO because they dont live together, even after 20 years or so.. Im worried hes going to die and its all going to be awful and im going to be left with all his art and music and theres going to be a massive void, and ... i dont even know

I do think of my dad often. Im worried about him dying. I really wish he wasnt such a difficult bastard. he has such good parts to him, but ive had loads of therapy and hes caused me so many self esteem issues over the years. I didnt realise how much of the problem he actually was. He left my mum a shell. He was cruel. He was awful to my brother, but I do have lovely childhood memories too, especially from before I was a teenager and got opinions etc.

Sorry this is long. Can any good come of getting back in contact with a narcissist?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 18:45

Indeed.

whitehandledkitchenknife · 31/01/2016 18:59

Branleuse - take a big brave breath - and step away from him. There is nothing to be gained from you turning yourself inside out trying to make a relationship with someone who can't. Your father is incapable of this. It wouldn't matter what you did he would not be able to give you what you need ….. acceptance,comfort, warmth, guidance, wisdom.
I read that you make all the effort and have all the desire to keep trying. What exactly is he bringing to the table? Unkindness, coldness, contempt.
It is a hard, so very hard, lesson to learn. That your father is a horrible man.
I wish that I had known when I was younger what I now know. I would have blown my own father out decades earlier. It was the best thing I ever did. Don't let the odd positive memory cloud what you are seeing. You are being far too kind.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/01/2016 19:06

If he's dying and he cares about you, he'll get in contact with you.

If he isn't even interested enough to do that, well that's you told.

Original poster
Branleuse · 31/01/2016 19:28

runrabbit - that hurt :'( I think youre right. he wont do it though.

It always appears that he doesnt try to get in touch with me because hes respecting my wishes etc, but actually its more likely that he doesnt give a shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Branleuse · 31/01/2016 19:29

i have no idea what I want to acheive. Im not expecting to achieve anything. I guess I always hope to be loved by him and not judged

OP posts:
Original poster
Branleuse · 31/01/2016 19:31

and I hope that its not going to be fucking awful and painful when he dies because i'll sit there at his funeral, being his only family, maybe expected to make some speech or something. I would really really like for it all to just be alright, and for me to be able to cope with it all

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 31/01/2016 19:32

Can you visit but not stay?

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 19:36

I guess I always hope to be loved by him and not judged

And there it is Sad

It's not going to happen, love

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 19:40

This is what I dread, Bran

When my (beloved) FIL died I stood up and did a heartfelt speech about what he had meant in my life. I will not do the same for my father. I will not.

ABetaDad1 · 31/01/2016 19:41

Braleuse - I am in exactly the same position as you - NC for going on 3 years with my parents and wondering if I should contact them in some limited way. Identical behaviour from my father to my children in particular.

I too am facing the same sorts of decisions as Anyfucker is with health deteriorating. I keep reminding myself its not my fault. I know it wont be better if I contact him again. I could deal with my mother but she is no help. I know they are in a co-dependent symbiotic abusive relationship. I would not want to go to a funeral.

I just discovered through family records that nothing my parents told me about their life before me is true. I discovered my mother has 3 half siblings she hasn't spoken to in 60 years. My father has not spoken to his own brother in 30 years or his SIL. I think there is a pattern there.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 31/01/2016 19:41

I won't even bother going to my fathers funeral

Christinayangstwistedsista · 31/01/2016 19:43

Bran

Do you have sibling? If so, what are their relationships like with him?

ABetaDad1 · 31/01/2016 19:44

I guess I always hope to be loved by them and not judged.

No its never going to happen. I know that.

My mother told another mother when I was 7 'you shouldn't love your children'. My father has never shown any affection or emotion. It wasn't allowed. Only control.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 19:46

I will go to my father's funeral in body, not in spirit, simply to support my mother and sister.

Original poster
Branleuse · 31/01/2016 19:53

I have a brother who im not close to but hes older than me so wasnt around that much and hes not my dads biolical son. My dad used to beat him, but i think parents did hit their kids more back then. My brother didnt hold that against him and really looked up to him, as he didnt have contact with his own dad. My dad told my brother that he didnt want him to think of him as a father anymore, more as a friend. My brother took that very very badly as it was just after our (beloved) nana had died.
My dad would still maintain that was a reasonable thing to say and cant see how that would be really insensitive and hurtful (unless he can/dos, and is actually purposely cruel?)

I doubt my brother would go to his funeral.
I will go, because my children would want to. My teenager knows that I dont speak to him , but my two smaller ones dont really know. I think they just assume we dont see him because he lives so far away. They have my mums partner as their grandad really, but they do occasionally mention my dad and I mention only the good things

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 19:55

is this helping, Bran. To talk about it ?

Original poster
Branleuse · 31/01/2016 19:57

yeah it is, I really appreciate it. thankyou. Its upsetting, but ive been ruminating on this for weeks, and its starting to feel a bit clearer.

I still think im going to look into some more therapy though

OP posts:
mumsonthelash · 31/01/2016 20:00

.

ricketytickety · 31/01/2016 20:01

What you've been through is a kind of grief - grieving for the father you wanted and realised you didn't have. The fact he's still around makes it even more confusing. That's why you are thinking about his funeral etc. I would say you need to carry on as you are and if the the dc ask tell them an appropriate truth - that he doesn't think like you do and will never change.

ricketytickety · 31/01/2016 20:05

I find it helps to understand that he hasn't chosen to not care. He simply can't. That takes the pressure off thinking it's your fault or what can you do to make it better.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 31/01/2016 20:12

Its a hard one Bran, I think it takes a lot of work to get to the point where you truly understand and accept that you will never get what you need or want from a man like that. There is always a hint of sadness, however, you also need to decide how many times you reach out and get nothing back

I think some more therapy would be a good idea

Hissy · 31/01/2016 20:37

Bran, thinking of you, we know how hard his is, but read through your posts as if someone else wrote them and then see what you'd recommend?

If someone else started goading my sweet little lad? Or poked me until I cracked?

He will never be the father you should have had. Anymore than my parents will be the parents I should have had.

I am the best mum I can be for my ds, I keep these people away from him, yeah it's a small family, me and him, but I know he'll grow up knowing his mum loved him and that there are some people that arent healthy to be around, and to stick to knowing who you are and not letting anyone destroy that.

I know you've had awful times, I know too how we get sucked into minimisation. And forget why we made the decisions we made

It's so sad, but you did he right thing.

Hissy · 31/01/2016 20:39

Please bring your kids up to age appropriate speed. You're not doing them any favours at all keeping his secrets.

They deserve your honesty

springydaffs · 31/01/2016 20:52

My parents are, well, toxic. Or have been, and the trace is still distinct. They're so old now it helps to not expect anything. It's been a long process though - loooong - to get to here. Lots of therapy along the way.

I do see them. For a long time the visits were 5-20 minutes. Lately it's longer but my foot is metaphorically out the door, ready at any time to go. I don't see them if i am fragile. To that end I was amazed you said your father kicked off after 'only' 24 hours - by 24 hours someone would have been murdered, either me or my parents. There is no way in a million years we would last that long. Even the best families can struggle after 24 hours. In fact, he did quite 'well' to last 24 hours before kicking off. Think 'disabled' - in the loosest sense (hope that doesn't offend anybody).

I see them bcs i cherish them, even if what's inside them crawls with dysfunction. I can love them even if they're cracked, incapable of loving me back. I love them dearly; their flesh (if you like): they are dear to me. Probably helps they're so frail and doddery now I feel compassion for them. But yes, it hurts - I have a nose for the tiniest sign they actually love me even a bit and i privately settle for crumbs. They are very damaged ppl is the bottom line. That's how I see it.

I may be mad to put myself up for this but this currently works for me. I'm hesitating to say this but... when someone close actually dies - not dies in theory or imagining - it can be very tough if ends are left hanging. Your father will not change, he will always be the way he is. Can you find a way to accept that, even in his presence. To not expect even the basics. To find somewhere else to stay/to see him for half an hour or so. Don't take the kids - or take them but don't stay long.

springydaffs · 31/01/2016 20:53

Sorry that was so long. Hard to put it into words.