I have no idea where to start really - if I spilt it all out this post would ramble all over the place. In a nutshell I have 2 kids and a DH who is in the general scheme of things OK - good job/works hard/fairly 21st century views and so on, but I am in position where we are fighting almost every day. And I hate it. Here's an example of how our life is at the moment - it's all trivial but every day we have more or less the same kind of trivial rows and the same outcomes: yesterday this is what happened: I was up most of the night with the baby (we both work full time and I'm the main breadwinner, but I have to do most of the night shifts because DH 'needs more sleep' - his words, which by the way he genuinely believes) then I went out first thing to get the last bits of shopping. Came back and told him how I nearly cried in Tescos because I had seen the woman in front (with two kids in tow)having problems paying for her christmas groceries and it had really upset me seeing that. Anyway I also mentioned I was stressed because I hadn't been able to find the power rangers costumes for my nephews that they were desperate for, and I'd have to go into the larger town to get them. He then said 'I'll get them from D&S' (discount toy warehouse) and when Isaid I was sure they wouldn't have power rangers costumes he was insistent he'd seen them. So off he went. Came back with a spiderman outfit and a captain scarlet outfit, neither of which I can take back because they don't do refunds in this place. 40 quid down the drain and now I have to go into town on xmas eve. So anyway, he drops them on the table, saying these'll do them, they won't know the difference. Then he sees my face and kicks off on one, ranting that the kids won't care what they get anyway. So I start crying and say I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - if I don't go out and replace them the kids will be disappointed and my brother will think I've just not 'bothered' when buying their presents, if I go into town and get the power rangers stuff we've wasted money and it puts DH in a foul mood. He's now in a stropp and saying that I'm a control freak in insisting on buying new presents and every time he does something to help I 'throw it all back in his face' and am never content and who cares anyway what the kids get so long as they get something....and by the end of all this I've just got no way out of the situation. So we both just 'drop it' and get on with other stuff. Afterwards I try to explain why I was upset so we can make up and he just laughs, ruffles my head and says it's alright, he knows what an emotional person I am, given I had been upset in Tescos earlier and all that, and it must be that I've got PND and I shouldn't fret. Then he tells me he is off for the evening/night to visit his mate who lives near London, leaving me with the kids. Which is kindof OK (he wouldn't blink an eyelid if I wwanted to do something like this for example so long as it didn't clash with his plans). anyway 2 hours later and I'm putting my DS's playdough away on the shelf when one of the tubs rolls off the shelf and drops onto DD who I've been carting round with me and have just placed in a moses basket at my feet. Hits her on her forehead and she is screaming her head off. At this point DH calls. He hears DD screaming, DS crying (DS always cries when the baby cries) and dog barking (dog very old and gets upset by the crying) so DH just says for me to call back. 2 hours later and the baby is still screaming and has purple bruise that is looking quite ugly and I'm beginning to fret. DS and dog both still kicking off now and has all got much worse because we are now way past DS bedtime and he is shattered and beyond talking to in terms of reasoning with him, dog also beside himself, as he has been waiting for his dinner for two hours. So I call DH but no answer. Leave message on answerphone saying all very stressful please call ASAP will take baby into A&E if she doesn't stop screaming soon, help help. That kind of call (and I have only ever made that kind of call twice - the other time was when baby had blocked airway and stopped breathing and had to be rushed in to hospital - I'm not a cry wolf person). Anyway that call was made at 10pm. DD finally stops screaming enough to take calpol and a feed and I get her down to sobbing stage and eventually (at 11) she falls asleep, after 4 hours of solid crying. Bruise looks bad but I know doesn't need hosiptal or anything so panic over. DH calls me at 1am, drunk, saying he'd picked up my 10pm message at midnight but hadn;t bothered calling back because I'd be able to deal with it myself and my mum lives close by and I'd have called her if it had been urgent. I say it's not about whether I could get help form elsewhere, I'm mad because he didn't answer his phone, didn't bother calling to see how she was and he thinks I'm out of order for being upset that I couldn't get hold of him and he can't understand why I think he is totally wrong in that even when he got my 'help help' call he still left it an hour before calling back.
So anyway, he won't get home till midday, whcih means DS will miss his sunday morning swimming pool session (which DS loves and always asks about), he'll be hungover and want to sleep and I'll have to race out in the afternoon for the power rangers things which will p him off all over again and we've got people over in the evening so I won't get any kind of breathing space. And I am tearing my hair out because every single thing he does is thoughtless and/or selfish and if I try to talk to him about it he always says I am a control freak or never satisfied or have got PND. I am going quietely mad and don't know what to do. Every single day I am left struggling with kids and practicalities of life and get only the support he decides to give. He thinks it's all me and that I have problems that need to be resolved. I think he's selfish and needs to grow up (I haven't even started on this post about the money he spends in places like bang and olufsen that we can't afford). I can't talk about this with anyone because I know that they will all take my side (even his family), which will just leave me feeling more justified in being upset, but won't resolve it. I suggested to him a while back that we see a marriage counselor and he has decided to ignore the request on the basis that I must be suffering from PND. I can't get it though to him that I am at the end of my tether and will snap, and if I snap heaven knows where it will go - we both have close friends who are divorced and I couldn't bear our kids to suffer on acocunt of us, but I just don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable? Is the kind of weekend above just what I should put up with (every weekend is as bad as described here, but always in different ways)? Is it just normal to have to put in 90% of effort to the 10% he seems ot put in? I've had yet another sleepless night not knowing where to turn next or what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated - ideally I'm hoping for shedloads of responses to the effect that all men are like this and that it does get easier when the kids get older. Believe me, if thats the case then just knowing that will help loads..I'm even prepared to accept that I might have PND or something if that's how the above looks to an outsider (though I don't think so. when DH goes away on business for example, things are always much calmer and less setressful at home. fairly sure I haven't got PND but let me know if you think otherwise).