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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me!

17 replies

BreadandHoney1 · 30/01/2016 22:21

Hi, this is my first post so thanks for reading.
When my daughter now two and a half was 6 weeks old I fell out with my older sister ten years my senior. My baby was very difficult and only slept in ten minute bursts for months. When my daughter was 6 weeks old my sister arrived unannounced with her toddler and let him run wild while my 6 week old was asleep on the sofa. The whole situation distressed me as she left me to deal with her toddler who was screaming and hitting the sofa to wake the baby up. I did not want to leave my baby on the sofa but was busy dealing with my nephew as my sister had left him with me while she looked for some food for herself (!) anyway, to cut a long story short, I got very upset and told her to leave and effectively walked her to the front door and said please leave now(i didnt shout but was in an angry tone) I was very emotional as my baby was difficult (reflux never slept dairy intolerant...). I then text her 5 minutes later apologising but got no reply and later that evening her partner text me saying how dare I treat his son and partner like this and in the end it all went wrong and now for over two years I have not spoken to her despite her living across the road from me. My younger sister 5 months later said that she had had enough of me but always takes my older sisters side and also cut me off but while she was with my older sister and on the phone to me. I was very close to my younger sister who is one year younger than me and it hurt very much. Despite me sending them birthday presents/christmas presents I have had to accept that they have cut me off completely.

In the meantime my Mum often looks after my two year old and I have said I would rather that my sisters reconcile with me before my daughter gets to know them and have asked that my mum not go out of her way to let my daughter be with them.

Now that my daughter is speaking well she regularly mentions her aunties and I have spoken with my Mum and said again I don't think its a good idea for me to let my daughter know my sisters as I feel it will put both my daughter and myself in an awkward position as she gets older.

Anyway my question is, am I wrong to stop my niece seeing her aunties just because they have cut me off? I have tried very hard to reconcile with them but they ignore all contact and do not acknowledge my birthday etc.

I personally find it easier to deal with my own pain of being cut off by not needing to think about them and hearing my daughter playing and saying oh look its aunty so and so when playing on the phone etc is very painful for me. My closest friend recently moved away to the other side of the world and the pain is so raw right now as I wish I had my family there for me when I feel so lonely.

My mum says I am wrong and no doubt will continue to let my daughter see them. I don't want to be spiteful but I genuinely don't think this is a good idea as I will be dealing with all of this as my daughter grows up.

Any advice whatever it may be would be gratefully received! Thanks

OP posts:

deste · 30/01/2016 22:43

Yes I think you are.

Creatureofthenight · 30/01/2016 22:50

You are lonely but have two sisters near to you.
Bite the bullet and try and make up with them. Maybe your mum can mediate.

Original poster

BreadandHoney1 · 30/01/2016 22:50

Thank you for your response, why is this?

OP posts:

Creatureofthenight · 30/01/2016 22:53

They are your family - unless they are irredeemably horrible people, I think it's worth making the effort.
You said you were close to your younger sister, what changed?

Original poster

BreadandHoney1 · 30/01/2016 22:54

I have tried to make up with them but have failed to do so. I have apologised and gone to see them, I have gave one sister a present to her in person and she put it to one side and turned her back on me without saying anything. My mum is not helpful and just gossips behind all of our backs between the three of us. I would do anything to reconcile but they are having none of it. This currently does not feel like an option unfortunately.

OP posts:

LavenderRain · 30/01/2016 22:56

I very rarely post on relationship threads as I'm no expert but I just want to say please make up with your sisters.
life is too short and one day you will regret it.
I see alot of broken families in my work and it's heartbreaking.

Creatureofthenight · 30/01/2016 22:57

Ok with that info I agree you are in a difficult place.
Would appealing on behalf of your DD work? Like, DD loves her aunties and you'd like to get along for her sake?

HeddaGarbled · 30/01/2016 23:00

I think your sisters are bullying you. All you PP saying make up with your sisters, she's said several times that she has tried but they won't. This is classic ganging up stuff. Your mum is caught between you all, bless her.

So no, I don't think you are wrong. Making a big issue about spending time with your daughter while you aren't there is part of the bullying and you are right to put a stop to it.

Original poster

BreadandHoney1 · 30/01/2016 23:01

This is a good idea. I will definitely think about that thank you. I haven't thought much about it because I always think the issue is between me and my sisters but perhaps this would be a good idea.

OP posts:

FriendofBill · 30/01/2016 23:02

You have done all you can do...

It sounds toxic to me.
I think you are probably best off out of it.
As for DD...they may turn their toxicity on her at some point in a variety of ways.

What is the family background like?
Any other schisms?
Are you the scapegoat do you think?

Most (normal) people would accept an apology and be happy to be reunited tbh.

Creatureofthenight · 30/01/2016 23:05

Do you actually want to reconcile if they are seemingly intent on rebuffing your attempts?
Hedda, her mum gossiping is probably not helping, shouldn't she be at leat trying to be peace making?

Original poster

BreadandHoney1 · 30/01/2016 23:08

This is what some of my friends have said and how I feel this too. My family is very disjointed and I have always been grateful for my sisters but I was disappointed that they have cut me off in this way since my daughter was born. It's difficult to put everything on here without boring everyone to death but when I lived at home my younger sister fell out with me for a trivial reason and carried it on for a year after I moved out and refused to come to my wedding (actually didn't in the end). I have always been the one to jump to forgive them but now I have a daughter I am feeling like I should just distance myself now and I do fear they will not be nice about me and will leave for an awkward position for my own family and daughter. However I would be happy if it were that we did reconcile for my daughter to know them, it was more that its all currently behind my back. Thank you

OP posts:

Creatureofthenight · 30/01/2016 23:12

A lot of families fall out, you have made efforts to get over it and they haven't.
I think it will be tricky to get your mum to limit contact with your sisters, so it is up to you how comfortable you are with this.
At least, if DD asks why you don't see auntie x, you can say that you've tried.
I think the ball is in their court. If they are not prepared to meet you half way, their loss.

Original poster

BreadandHoney1 · 30/01/2016 23:22

Thank you, I really appreciate everyones input, it is difficult to know if I am being mean or not but my reasons are genuine and I do not want them to say things about me to my daughter behind my back etc. I am ok to come to terms with them not wanting to know me despite my efforts, I simply do not want to get down the line (and I believe they will keep this up as I have heard that my sister is recently engaged and I have not been invited to the wedding) and have an awkward situation with my own daughter asking questions and bringing things up again. As you have said creatureofthenight tbh I agree that the ball is in their court and I think perhaps the only way to sort this is to rearrange my childcare with my mother and wait and see if anything changes between us.

OP posts:

Original poster

BreadandHoney1 · 30/01/2016 23:23

OP posts:

springydaffs · 30/01/2016 23:47

You are absolutely right to be concerned about your daughters exposure to your sisters. Don't be like me and put up with it... absolutely disastrous consequences.

As hard as it may be logistically I would remove dd from your mums care while you aren't present. I would make it an rock solid condition.

Your sisters have been toxic. You don't want your daughter around people like that, for a start. Plus you are absolutely right to be concerned about their influence on her as she gets older.

I wish someone had been around to tell me this.

kittybiscuits · 31/01/2016 00:21

What springy said. People saying 'make up with your sisters' RTFT. You need to put a stop to this before it bites you severely on the ass.

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