Husband read my emails - now knows I want a divorce....

[nearlyhadenough]

Oh my God!!!

WTF....

I went to see a solicitor about our complicated financial situation this week (awaiting further advice from a barrister) and I paid the bill online today.

I have been having major computer problems but didn't give a second thought to asking 'D'H to try and sort it. Apparently once fixed he checked to see if it was working so logged onto the internet and then clicked onto my email account!!!! The first email was a receipt from the solicitor. He then read the whole report of our discussion.

He was not happy.

He left. Then returned to ask some questions. I have been honest with him but this is not at all how I had planned it, and it could be all at the wrong time (hence barrister info).

He screamed and shouted, said he would sign some forms so that he did not have a single penny, that I would get nothing. Then he would get calm and say he had always loved me and always would until the day he died. He has gone again now - he doesn't know where he is going or if he will be back tonight or tomorrow.

I don't know what to do or what to feel. I didn't want it this way. I needed to be ready, to be strong enough. I'm not there yet. When he first went I cried and cried, but since we spoke briefly and I explained my reasons I feel better, but it doesn't feel real. I'm on my own (2 grown up children, one living with their partner and 1 working away) with no one in RL to call......

Hang in there OP
I think you've been harshly judged on this thread.

For example, I don't know how long you were married, if the children were his, if you gave up your career to stay at home.

I know he is a mean man

You don't need to justify yourself but the lack of info is why you've been judged.

If you've been married a long time then legally and sod morally then half the money is yours. That is the law of our country. I also expect you would gain full ownership of the marital house if that is around 50%.

My parents divorced after DC had left home. They spent a fortune on lawyers as DF didn't want her to have his money and judge awarded 50:50 on every single penny. DM was sahm to 3 DC.

For you OP . Sorry for the knobs who have posted on this thread.

Maybe it's good that he invaded you privacy. You have one life to live. Not good to waste any more of it on him.

Thank you to those few who have been supportive, last night was horrible and I was alone and scared - I don't think this part of my OP was understood by all.

I also value the other opinions, however much they hurt, as I now understand how some people in RL will view my decision.

We have been married for 23 years, the children are his and I have worked part time hours around them. I am looking for an additional or full time job (leaving a much loved position) to be able to afford to live.

Inheritance should never be included in divorce settlement just like the laws in other countries. It should stay in the family.

It is despicable to wait until the money hits before leaving, his mum died and its rightfully his. Your share of the marital home alone will give you a good enough base to start again. The marriage can't be that bad if you've stayed for the last five years waiting for the cash.

Given the children are adults, he's facilitated you in the luxury of working part time for many years. Yes you may now have to work full time but many adults have had to do that all their life.

I wonder if all those who agree she should wait for the money would be happy if this was their son? Somehow I doubt it.

Sends a strong message though, pick the right partner and don't get married in this case.

Autumn we live here so we abide the laws here.

To be deliberately contrary, if the OP H didn't want to share inheritance with his DW then he could have divorced her six years ago.
But then the children would have been dependent so he would have given more than 50% of the pot as it stood then.

So we are where we are abiding the laws of our land.

I was halfway through divorce when MIL died. I halted proceedings and we renegotiated. Because the law is on my side and DC are young.

Don't feel bad OP. You did the right thing to post here because it is a contentious topic and talking openly with friends may cause them to judge you as have strangers in the Internet.

I can clearly feel your pain and deliberations.

I'm sure if it was a woman who posted this saying her DH was waiting until her 800k inheritance came through the DH would be slated and everyone would be telling the person to do everything in their power to protect the inheritance. The two faces of MN... It's ugly.

Bugger off peggy. The person died 5 years ago.

It doesn't matter when the person died, there's no justification in staying in a marriage purely to get your hands on the inheritance.

The fact it's been five years makes it worse, the OP hasn't made any attempt to better her own life or gain more financial independence and has had the husband paying for the luxury of her working part time with adult children.

Peggy is right, a man would be crucified for this. One is currently being hauled over the coals on another thread for paying less than 50% of a holiday. Imagine what would be said if he was holding out in a marriage for an inheritance to come through so he could walk of with it.

I hope the husband is able to protect it or gift it to his children. It should stay in his family as it was intended. You must really hate him to have been totally honest with him and tell him you've only stayed with him for his money, who does that. What an example to set to the children, imagine their view of marriage now.

Marriages do sadly end but this is cold and calculating. If you were truly unhappy you would have left years ago and made your own life by now.

Autumn - you are suggesting that part time work is a luxury? And you are suggesting that childcare is worthless? interesting point... I'm sure divorce lawyers don't see it like that. And the millions of women who work both part time and stay at home. Lazy cows?? Am flabbergasted.

Change your online passwords.
Change your internet settings so it doesn't remember passwords or log you in automatically (if you need advice on how to do that, tell us which internet browser you use).
Get into the habit of logging out of everything and deleting your browsing history every time you've used the computer.
If possible, set a passcode on your phone so he can't get into it. If you can't do that, make sure you keep it on you at all times.

Clutter, her children are adults and don't even live at home!! So yes, very lazy to work a few hours and let a man you hate pick up the cost as leaving now means not getting your hands on their inheritance.

Part time is a luxury if that wage does not cover your costs and is lazy/luxury if children are at school or left home. I don't for one moment expect the OP would have let him work part time as her standard of living would not be met.

I think a marriage of 23 yrs entitles the other partner to at least a portion of an inheritance tbh - and I say that as a beneficiary of a quite decent inheritance myself.

A marriage means all assets are shared, be they earnings or inheritance.

Point of information - inheritances are not marital assets in Scotland , unless they are invested in something which is , such as the marital home . Then the person has brought them into the marriage .

BTW I wouldn't presume to judge the OP as I don't know enough about it .

I find it intersting that if a woman posted her DH was divorcing her now, just so he wouldn't have to give her a cut of a large inheritance there would be moral outrage. "It's a marital asset... He's a greedy bastard, you've given up your career to raise his children" etc etc. Get a shit hot solicitor and make sure you get what you're entitled to"

No one here has a dog in this fight... Why on earth is there so much vitriol heading her way?

We make decisions based on what is best for us, given the facts we have and the experience we have lived. no one else here is in possession of all that information.

OP - you were clumsy with your information and let your plans be discovered. Now they have been, I wish you well. People have walked away from marriages with nothing (me) I left everything as I was desperate to get away and didn't get anything in the divorce three years later. You can, and will make a new life... It may not be the one you envisaged but it will be happier than your life now by the sounds of things whatever the outcome of the asset division.

Not every women who has children and doesn't work gives up a career Some never worked, some just had jobs and some had no desire to work. It's usually those with careers who keep them and use childcare.

Everyone has different morals, taking a mothers inheritance of a son is very low.

I actually think it is pretty low to 'go after' inheritance.

Are you going to offer him a part of inheritance you may have now or in the future?

I also say this who had the chance to have part of exH very large inheritance. Bugger than OPs. I had more reason than most even the op to go after it. I didn't. It wasn't part of the marriage it was given him by his family

What an arsehole he is, reading your email.
Can't believe it's the first time, either.

He's had multiple affairs, so fuck him. I hope you get £400K off the inheritance (even though I know that's not your intention) because even though I think it's right that our divorce laws aren't punitive, personally I rather like the idea that he'd get hit where it hurts. Dead mother's gift or not. Perhaps if the mother had known she had an utter cunt for a son, she wouldn't have left him a penny.

^ and I say this as someone who told their MIL during a will writing meeting that no, she shouldn't leave me a 5 figure sum - that it should go to family, and anything to her son was anyway also to me. Despite knowing I was weeks away from divorcing her arsehole son.
I'm not money grabber.
But I can't get het up about the wife of a shit of a cheating husband making practical decisions about finances.

Dead mother's gift or not.

Wow just wow

Wow away.
I doubt his mother scrimped and saved her while life with the intention of creating a legacy for her son.
More likely she inherited it from her family or his father and it is simply the result of a common practice of passing money down the line.

Stop talking about it like the OP is after some precious item of emotional importance that the OP wants to tear in half

Maybe, just maybe, the MIL would think the DIL deserved it? That marriage was the joining of two people?

OP isn't waiting around for the mother to die before divorcing . She died 5 years ago, it's already her husband's asset. Except potentially not in legal terms because of the delay, hence the solicitor. But I think most lay people would agree that this is his money. It's not his mother's money any more.

By BIL cheated on his wife.
My MIL (his mother) paid all the XDIL's legal fees so she got a good settlement, because son or not - she thought that multiple affairs betraying the mother of his grandchildren was NOT ON.

Chances are, mother is turning in her grave that her arsehole of a son is getting a penny of it.