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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a passive man change?

38 replies

PeppasNanna · 30/01/2016 10:36

I've posted here reviously about Exdp.

We're seperated. 16 year relationship & 4dc. Asked him to leave as he wont do anything. Just sits playing games on his phone when hes not at work. Rarely helps with the dc/house/garden/decorating.

He's very passive. Literally totally disengaged from family life. Relationship non existent between us. Its been especially bad for about 2 years.

He moved out 2 weeks ago. This is the fourth seperation in 8 years. Hes begging to come home.

Swears hes changed, seen the error of his ways. I would love to believe him but don't /can't.

Mentally im exhausted from doing everything for everyone for so long. Im exhausted thinking about the situation. I dont know if I have the ability or energy left to work on this relationship.

Can they change? What should i do?

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 01/02/2016 09:11

The children weren't aware we split up previously. Hes always worked shifts or long distance so its not unusual that a couple of weeks pass without them seeing their dad.

Hes never worked 9-5, Monday to Friday.

OP posts:

HandyWoman · 01/02/2016 09:14

Your family members are motivated by their own upset and unsettled feelings stirred up at the thought of you, in your situation, going it alone.

They don't live nearby and have no idea of how your life is or, that you'll be able to cope on your own.

But you can prove them wrong and you will. That life really will be simpler without pretending your douchebag has what it takes - he doesn't.

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 01/02/2016 10:07

Very sadly, I feel like all the things that were important to me & life changing events were almost belittled or made into insignificant blips by him.

Its infuriating when your so called 'partner' ignores how stressed or tired you are. He says he doesn't know when im getting stressed. I asked him to give me a break once aweek for a few hours over Christmas as the boys holidays overlapped & for 5 weeks I had some of the dc at home. He wouldn't & ignored me when i asked him to tske them out.

Eventually i got very severe tonsillitis. He still went to work & left me to it. He eventually took the 2 youngest out the day before the dc went back to school so i could take the Christmas tree down.

Hes no clue as to how removed i am from him. Part if me wishes he would meet someone & sod off for good!

OP posts:

mix56 · 01/02/2016 10:25

For 14 years you have been dealing alone with an assortment of different child problems, he hasn't helped. he has had 3 previous occasions to improve & show he can co parent & support you, or even God forgive, show you he loves you.
He hasn't....... Boot to touch, People do not intrinsically change, they buck up for a bit.......then more of the lazy fucker returns

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 01/02/2016 11:51

mix56 your post made laugh!!

We were ok til about 10 years ago. Our second dc has complex SN & thats when it became obvious how passive/ lazy he is.

I need to do something with tbe way he makes me feel right now as the anger & hurt is consuming me.

OP posts:

Towardsthesun · 01/02/2016 12:02

Is passive the right word? I had one exactly the same, totally unengaged in family life, told me the dc were my job. I call it lazy, arrogant and selfish.

PrancingQueen · 01/02/2016 12:13

My goodness OP, you must be exhausted.
I'm just going to echo what everyone else is saying - look at his actions not his words.
He won't change, or, if he's so keen to show he has/will, then go with Oldest's suggestion.

He'll fail at the first hurdle because he's a selfish twat.
for you. It can only get better without this dead weight around your neck.
And as a PP said, you'll get a break if you divorce him, as he'll have the children EOW at least.

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 01/02/2016 12:19

Oh he'd never say the dc or house were my job.

Its stuff like changing his shifts witg no regard for me.

Not doing things i clearly ask him to.

Not turning up for appointments.

But then talks to people like hes dad of the year, always doing stuff with the dc, telling everyone what amazing schools our boys attend but hes never actually been to any of dc schools-ever.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 01/02/2016 12:24

He wont have the dc EOW as he has 1 weekend a month off. That was this weekend as he changed his shifts so I'd already made plans for the dc.

The boys hate going out at the weekend & especially with their dad as he has no understanding of their anxieties/needs/ASD/ADHD. Hexworks rotating shifts starts from 4am but can end at 2 am. He's done this job for 8 years & due his age & lack of education training hes unlikely to get another job.

OP posts:

PrancingQueen · 01/02/2016 13:08

Well it sounds as if he's been no bloody use to you anyway.
Get rid OP. You'll have one less child to worry about.
I could understand your hesitancy if he was in any way supportive, but it sounds as if he makes life harder. And if it were me, the resentment I'd feel would be boiling over by now.

PrancingQueen · 01/02/2016 13:10

Does he actually bring anything to your marriage/family life at all?

HandyWoman · 01/02/2016 13:23

OP your boys' needs are more complex than my dc. However - he can learn what they need, and there's no time like the present.

What the boys need is a contact arrangement that enables them to maintain a meaningful relationship with their df.

That means he sees them for meaningful contact so e.g. At least one weekend a month.

You need to now turn the focus of your mindset from his ineptitude (I know how hard that is) to what is a 'fair' arrangement and 'in the best interests of the dc'. If he can gradually see them on his own & get to the point that he is not going to cause them significant harm then it's in the best interests for him to have meaningful contact. Which means you'll get a break. But you need to now let go of the reigns as a parent to do that. And I know that's hard. It's taken me two years to do it myself.

You never know it might turn out like my twatty ex - he gets a new gf and then turns into a better parent to impress her

Original poster

PeppasNanna · 01/02/2016 18:29

HandyWomen i strongly suspect exdp will do something similar with regards to a gf etc.

Your absolutely right my job is to facilitate a relationship between all the dc & their dad. Hopefully that will be better in time then it currently is.

As for what he brought to the relationship. He was my best friend. He was the only person i ever loved. The only man who ever loved me. Realistically i will be on my own now as i never go out or meet new people. Im in my 40's with few opportunities.

He was security. I have no pension, savings, career, job, social life. Im a single parent. Claiming benefits with zero prospects.

At least before i was a SAHM.

But at the end of the day i know i need to call it a day. I'm deeply unhappy. I'm making him unhappy. Its no good for the dc. He's not supportive or caring. Its all very unhealthy. Dd is 14 &;she is my motivation as its not good enough for her. I dont want her to think this is 'normal'.

OP posts:

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