I should leave but ...

[Josian]

… I think (relative) financial security is more important for the DCs than my immediate happiness. Sorry, long post!

DH and I have been married for 15 years. Bit by bit everything I saw in him has turned out to be an illusion. He’s very intelligent and he could do almost anything if he would just put the effort in, but he aimed for a specific low-paid job and stopped striving once he achieved it. Over the years he’s withdrawn from sport and all social activities. He works part time and spends all of his time outside work either playing console games or watching pirated programmes online. He’s sarcastic, moody, at times explosive (not violently), basically not the nice person with good judgement that I thought I was marrying. He’s also very passive and will do as he’s told but never initiates anything.

I don’t enjoy his company any more. Because he only leaves the house to go to work his conversation is limited to things he’s read online, programmes he's watched (our tastes have diverged so I don't watch the same things) and occasionally a complaint or story about something that happened at work. We don’t sleep in the same room because of his snoring, which he refuses to get treatment for. The snoring has damaged his vocal cords and I find the change in his voice really unpleasant. We have no sex life, except for about once a year when I take pity on him and initiate something. He doesn’t take the DCs anywhere or plan anything with them. Often he complains bitterly if I arrange something for them that he has to participate in.

I study full time, work part time, and deal with everything to do with the house and the family. He will occasionally wash some clothes but I do all the cooking, cleaning, internal and external maintenance, financial management and decision making. If I specifically ask him to do something he will do it, but I know he counts on me being too busy to take the time to make him get up. Seeing him lounging on the sofa when I haven’t sat down all day drives me round the bend. We don’t fight, I just get on with what I have to do and increasingly ignore him. He claims he loves me and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep us together, but the words don’t translate into meaningful actions.

I’m exhausted and overwhelmed, and I’m sure I’d be happier on my own. The thing is, until I finish my education and can get my financial feet under me, leaving would put me and the DCs in a very precarious situation. I won’t do it to them because as far as I’m concerned having a stable roof over their heads is more important than my desire to be free of him. The one person I've confided in has told me to just go. Am I wrong to wait?

Very tough, OP.
In your shoes I would prioritise, in the short term, finishing your studies.
Work out what it would take to continue and finish were you to leave now, or as soon as you qualify.

I would focus on the children in the meantime and have good times with them, take them out alone.

It sounds as if your H has some form of chronic depression or loss of confidence or something, but if he won't seek help or help himself you are just wearing yourself out.

Do you own your home?

A further five years of this will not be a doddle in comparison to the last 9 when you realised that this is who he really is. So why did you not leave then?. That is a question you should ask yourself now.

I think the financial security is a red herring actually; what sort of financial security is being provided here?. It cannot be very much particularly as both of you work part time.

What he does works for him. I would imagine his parents relationship was in itself very similar. He may well be part time also because he knows that his future financial contributions on separation will be minimal as a result.

What is the deal with your course; have you talked to the provider about your potential changing circumstances?. What realistically are the chances of getting a well paid job after completion of this course?.

I think you will only realise the extent to how awful this marriage was only you have finally extricated yourself from this marriage.

Five years may sound like a doddle, but having already wasted nine years of your life with this loser do you really want to waste 14? If a typical female life expectancy is 82 years (that's UK, but you haven't said where you are, so I'll use that), then 14 years is 17% of your life ...

Attila I get what you're saying about the OP's H being a moody bastard, but I think she should stick it out until she's finished studying as this is really her ticket out. Without that (unless her family can help her out financially and practically for the next year), she and her DC will suffer a horrible drop in standard of living and the stress and additional pressure on the OP may delay her finishing her studies and thus put them in financial hardship for longer.

(I grew up in a house with a moody, miserable bastard of a step-dad, so I know its no picnic, but financial hardship and struggling with childcare while trying desperately to finish up her studies would be worse IMO).

It's funny how 9 years can be eaten up by trying to find a solution. It's been about 2 or 3 years since I gave up and started thinking about a career that can help me out of this situation. These things take time. My prospects are good once I finish.

His parents are both very hardworking people. Whatever's his problem, it's not their fault.

How old are your DC?

The eldest are pre-teens, the youngest is in early primary school.

Then all I would say is don't leave it much longer than a year. Because your older ones are going to be getting to the point where the disruption may affect their exam results. And also the longer you leave it, the more they absorb the message that they are unworthy of a father's love.

OP..i managed to squirrel enough away for renting a flat ie deposit, plus 6 months rent. We left with no furniture just our belongings, clothes etc.
I did not have anything. Had to buy furniture etc from charity shops. But i had the rent and bill money for 6 months. In that time I increased my working hours and its all ok now. My son was 11 at the time. My son is from a previous relashionship so my husband was not obliged to give me maintenance. Plus I did not get a settlement as i could not afford solicitors fees to fight him. I basically walked away from a life of luxury in money terms but a life of hell with a drunk. It can be done. You have to be strong but you must most importantly the financial side is very important.
People who say happiness is more important than money are technically correct. But try saying that to someone with no a bean in their purse. Think carefully. Dont be hasty. You will be able to do it. And if you have to put up with it a bit longer then so beit. I did and glad i did not rush although I wanted too. I know i keep saying it but you must have some back up money in the bank.

Agree with flatonthehill.
Don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire.
Do it when you are financially ready otherwise it will be a different type of horrendous living.
You are going in the right direction to do it all sensibly IMO.