Anyone ever managed to CHANGE their DP's/DH's BEHAVIOUR?????????

[drosophila]

I mean behaviour that is sooo ingrained that you thought it would never change and then you hit on a method and hey presto........

How do you do it?????

You really can't change someone else's behaviour. You can only change your reaction to it.

What's bugging you?

Not sure I have enough time to go into it but her is a taster:

Every bloody Christmas eve he goes shopping even though I tell him ever year that it would mean a lot to me if we could spend it as a family without him always on the streets shopping. Invariably he is shopping for my present as he buys every other present before mine. I explain I would rather have a family day getting excited and preparing for Christmas than any present but he does not hear me and just says things 'I'm going out and that is final'

It's the 'no negotiation' tone of voice and attitude that I find really annoying.

That does sound annoying.

Can you make interesting plans with the kids without him? Go visit friends? Not let it get to you?

I see your point about how I relate to it. Can't leave the house as DS is asthmatic and is hovering over another attack. He was in hosp 3 weeks ago so am being carefull.

um... if you are going to change it at all you needd to
a - have given up any hope expectation that ypu might
b- approach the subject from a completely diff angle, in a diff mood, situation etc... you know him best, so you work that one out, but worth a shot.

otherwise do as NQC says, and just make lovely plans w/out him and then discuss them excitedly with the kids in front of him and see if that stirs anything, but that wont be the point, of course...
have a anyway!

No idea re. changing dp's behaviour in general, but I have had exactly the same problem, and have managed to stop it happening this year!
I explained clearly to DP (OK about a hundred times, as he is the same on birthdays etc) that for him to rush out on Christmas eve (or my birthday, or day before it) makes me feel like I'm not important to him and that I'm sick of receiving gifts from him that he clearly hasn;t spent time thinking about. In October I emailed him with a list of possible gifts, most of which he could buy off the internet, and also an amazon wish list, which makes life easier. He is, at this very moment in time upstairs wrapping presents I'm really excited about which he bought ages ago. Never thought it would happen!!
Also I seem to have taken responsibility for most of the other presents, especially if they're getting late, so there's no reason for him to go out getting other peoples presents.
I know what you mean about that 'no negotiation' tone of voice. Very annoying.
I guess you've got to put up with it this year, but see if you can have a go at organising him properly for next year!!
Sorry can't be of more help. x

So pick a special activity you can do and enjoy with the kids and do that instead.

It does suck that he goes out then ... do you feel that he's less interested in your present, so does it last? Or could it be that he's just hoping to find the perfect thing?

That whole non-negociable attitude is very annoying, but I do find that backing off and not being confrontational often works better than being confrontational.

Or, can you make him take any kids with him? Or do any errands for you while he's out?

(You must be stressed out, waiting for another asthma attack ...)

my dh always buys presents on Christmas eve..but this year did it today instead ....so I sent DH and DS with him to help them all choose 'something for mummy'. It meant I had a couple of hours to myself...

Well he has just left to go shopping. DS is a lot better and I think out of the woods but now DD has her 4th cold in 4 weeks.

To give you an idea how bad he is last year he went out shopping on Christmas Eve and I told him what I wanted. I said i want a bag to replace the one I had. I told him the brand name the size, the shop to buy it in and I also showed him examples on the Internet. He phones me from the shop and tries to describe them and tries to get me to tell him which one to buy. I do my best and he comes home empty handed. I went to the shops in the sales and there were several for me to choose from.

I don't know what I find so annoying but I think it is the complete disregard for how I would like to spend Christmas Eve. On the present front- he hasn't gotten me a good present in years and I think this is probably a reflection of what he thinks of me. He tries to blame me and says things like I am hard to buy for. I love silver Jewelery, books and clothes so how can it be that difficult.

Presents mean bugger all to me though and spending some quality time on Christmas eve means far more but I can't get that through to him. I spoke very bluntly to him last night and yet he still goes.

Surely for a lot of people browing in shops is better than being cooped up at home with excitable children and a spouse? Isn't it more that he wants that break and be able to use the moral argument that he's choosing something for you? It sounds like a power thing - he wants to be able to decide when he does something and when he goes out. You either live with that or talk about it reasonably and try to fix a compromise like you go out in the morning alone without the children if he does the same in the afternoon. What it can be hard to do is make someone enjoy spending 10 hours at home with the children when they may not... speaking from experience here as someone quite liking a break from them actually. Not that I get one because unlike lucky you I don't have a man.

Xenia I know it can be stressful cooped up in the house with kids and spouse. He's not I am and am always the one that ends up at home. I will in the new year do exactly what he has done today which is what I did last year.

Despite being lucky enough to have a man there are less breaks than you think. He works ridicules hours and I have the kids virtually all day until bed time. On the days I work I come home to feed the kids and put them to bed. At weekends he always manages somehow to extract himself from domestic life and again I do the lions share of everything.