Stingy with gifts - should I say something?

[mollipops]

My brother (db) and his wife (dsil) have been married for 10 years or so, have no children and seem to have no intention of ever having any. Db is 37 and dsil is 33. He is an electronic engineer with his own business, and she works at a bank and is very career-minded. They both drive fancy cars (db has a Porsche) and are always going overseas or interstate on holiday. My point being - they are not exactly short of money. I know dsil is very non-maternal in her nature (she once commented that my ds is "pretty cute - for a kid." but I feel there is no excuse for what they have done lately...

Here goes...Easter Sunday this year also happened to fall on ds' 3rd birthday. We were having a family bbq to celebrate (it was dfil's birthday the day before too). When I asked if they (db and dsil) could come along, db said they already had plans. Which is fair enough - but they do only live 10 mins drive away! It would have been nice if they could have called in at some stage over the weekend... Anyway. We saw them the weekend afterwards at the Rotary Fair (db is very into Rotary Club) and dsil was asking how the day had gone etc. I said it was great, but of course they had got so many Easter eggs and had had so much choccy blah blah, to which she said "Oh well, probably a good thing that we didn't buy them any then." I then went on to talk about ds' birthday, and she asked him what he'd been given etc, but there was no mention of a gift from them, not even so much as a card. I felt awful for the poor little man, birthdays are such a big deal when you are 3!

Anyway the straw that broke the camel's back came recently when it was dsil's birthday (about a month after ds' and I gave her a handmade card (from the markets), which dd drew on inside, plus a handpainted silk scarf. They were away on the weekend of her birthday so we dropped it over on the Tuesday (dsil was at work but db was home). Since then have not had a call to say thankyou, no acknowledgement at all, even though I have seen db twice since then. I am not very impressed to say the least! It's not the first time either - they were away for Mum's birthday last year and it all got "forgotten".

Am I overreacting here? Do any mumsnetters have any advice? Should I say something or not? Has anyone else been in a similar situation with family? Looking forward to your replies!

Ds was 4 last birthday. A couple of family members asked me what he wanted, and I asked for money to buy books. He and I had a super afternoon - we got the bus into town, then he got to choose which books he wanted in the bookshop (Waterstones in Cambridge has a childrens department with soft seats etc so we could have a really good browse), then we went for coffee (me) and ice cream (him), then went home and started reading. He loved it, loves the books, and we wrote and illustrated thank you letters to the donors so that they knew how much he'd enjoyed their gift. It was far better than another plastic toy to add to the huge mountain of such that he already possesses.

mollipops, it sounds as if you are feeling a lot better about the two of them now, which is great - families are pretty weird, in-laws are even weirder. They are all annoying sometimes, hard to believe they are related to us sometimes, us being so perfect and all

(What was your db doing to the doll, exactly, by the way?)

Rhubarb, I have to say I love it when my children receive books for their birthdays/Christmas. Even when my ds wasn't really "into" books, he still had enjoyment when he got one for his birthday. We now have a lovely collection of books - for some reason, even from an early age, my children - especially daughter (now 9) have always had respect for books - they don't scribble on them, rip the pages, etc. My son now loves books (just started school, started reading - loves it) and he has great enjoyment going to our library (well, small bookcase in the conservatory) to choose what book he wants me to read him in bed that night. He seems to get great enjoyment from reading me a story first (one of his basic story books from school) and then I read him a proper story.

I can never believe it when friends/family forget (or can't be bothered to buy birthday presents). I think that if friends don't want to buy Christmas presents, that is fair enough (we actually have an agreement that we don't buy Christmas presents for friends' children). Because at Chrismas, children gets lots of presents from close family they don't need a "token" gift from a friend.

I think birthdays are more special - at Christmas, for example, my friend would have lots and lots of children to buy for, but birthdays are normally a "one off" (unless they are twins).

Lol janh, nothing too sinister, just squashing it's face in and generally being horrible. I had to tell dd to avert her eyes!

Rhubarb, that really riles me up. Get her nothing next time! I love the care and creativity you put into your gift. And as for books - nothing better! When asked, my sister has always requested books for her children, and I now do the same with dd.

Coming from a large family with little money, our birthdays were made to be very special, complete with homemade cards and creative (inexpensive) gifts - I always hungrily eyed my pile of wrapped gifts looking for the ones that would be books - couldn't wait to get my hands on them and go hide somewhere and devour them!

I think my dd would love to have you as an aunt...

Another thing I was thinking of regarding gift giving - I have just come off of a very busy month - dd's birthday end of April, and in the last two weeks, four of her little friend's birthdays, my two sisters, my closest friend, and another very good friend who is incredibly generous with me. It has been an expensive 30 days! And here I am, recently unemployed, new mortgage, unexpected doctor bills, etc. (I know blah blah blah, sounds like a pity party!).

My point (there is one!) - some of these people are quite well off - the gifts they've given dd, well, I just can't compete! I felt very guilty as I opened them. Then it was my turn to buy - this one couple has an amazing garden - it is paradise in their backyard, and they spend weekends out there with ds crawling around. So I bought him a bunch of (inexpensive) gardening tools - trowel and shovel and bucket and watering can, etc, very bright and colorful. They loved it! And have even called me to tell me "DS just finished playing with them, and had a wonderful time! We love them, and never would have thought of it!"

These are wonderful people - and they have shown me that their generosity in spirit is even greater than any gift they have given dd! And their son will grow up to be the same. And it taught me a valuable lesson - I was definitely the one with the hangup if I thought I had to compete on a price tag.

How do you persuade relatives to ask for suggestions?

We always ask my bil for suggestions for his ds, but they never reciprocate. We rarely see them (once or twice a year) so they don't know the kids well, and his ds is very different from our two. So they invariably buy something utterly inappropriate. It wouldn't bother me, but they spend so much, it is a real waste.

At Christmas I did a "wish list" for the boys, and that worked really well - I thought they would ask for suggestions this time, but they didn't! I felt I couldn't send a "wish list" unrequested, as it seemed to be a reminder about the birthday .. and yes, they did forget.

But two weeks late a parcel arrived - a junky looking plastic garage and some cars - they already have a good garage. Anyway, I felt a real heel taking it back to ToysRUs today, but was horrified to realise it was £20 worth, plus £6.50 to post it. What a waste! Should I own up to Bil what we've done?

KMG - I wonldn't own up. Just spend the money on something appropriate or put it in the bank. From what you have said it sounds very unlikely that your bil will notice that the garage is not around or ask if your boys are enjoying it. Anyway if he does you can easily explain that it was a duplicate. Why risk stirring up trouble. If bil does mention it, maybe this would be a good time to tactfully bring up the wish list idea?

DS received a duplicate book which we liked so I saved it for the next birthday party and bought him another book which worked quite well.