Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a threat - help with perspective

47 replies

StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 11:56

My partners ex sent me a 'poison pen' letter which contained the following:

I am not a violent person. I am however reactive when needed and it would have been explosive if I had got out of the car. I mean verbally. Please do not confuse what i'm saying with a threat as that is not my intention.

I had gone to see her as my partner told me that she was 'in a rage' with me. I had no idea why this could be and wanted to immediately talk to her. I've been to her house several times before, and I wanted to sort it out straight away. She was unhappy about this and I immediately apologised for doing it via a text message - she sent the above after I had apologised twice for going to see her.

I feel that the above is threatening, I felt very intimidated by it. I really would just like to know what others think?

I don't know if I am just living in a bubble of nice and clouded by the fact that I have never before experience being spoken to in this way, and have never said anything close to this myself. Thanks.

OP posts:
OhShutUpThomas · 29/01/2016 12:32

Id love to hear her side.

Offred · 29/01/2016 12:32

No, you just went round to her house to have a ding dong in front of her child... Hmm

Come on, you need to accept that what you did was the wrong thing to do.

You're not responsible for his or her behaviour but you are responsible for yours.

If they are a pair of drama llamas you are well out of it anyway but I think you need to own what you did TBH and not do it again.

Most people would consider what you did as an aggressive move no matter whether your intention was naive (thinking it would help) or actually aggressive (seeking a row).

OhShutUpThomas · 29/01/2016 12:33

Oh and someone sending you a message saying several times that they are not threatening you, is not s threat.
Or a 'poison pen letter.'

MoominPie22 · 29/01/2016 12:35

So they use you as a babysitter even though you´re no longer in a relationship with the child´s father?

And the kid´s dd finished with you just because you went round to sort out some misunderstanding with his ex? Sounds very rash and over the top on his part! He couldn´t have loved you very much then...

It sounds all very messy so I think you do right to just stay away from the lot of them! Far less stressful. Phew Smile

Offred · 29/01/2016 12:36

I'd not want you to see my child either TBH.

It's a separate issue to the quality of (or lack of quality of) her parenting TBH.

You just don't go round to someone's house like that. You had a number of options; brushing it off, sending a text to try and clear things up etc but you chose the one that was most likely to result in escalating/creating conflict and from her perspective you chose to involve her child in it.

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 12:38

So this has all just happened - she has just picked up her son from your house, yet she has banned you from seeing him?

Original poster
StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 12:41

It happened two weeks ago. I've not heard from her since and I don't expect to. Yes she picked him up, everything was fine as far as I was concerned, chatty as usual, and then phoned her partner in a rage about how she felt snubbed. The paragraph above was part of a A4 + size rant about my character and things that I have done that she is annoyed about. She has never given me any indication of this at any point.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/01/2016 12:42

Again, drama llamas.

Steer well clear.

Original poster
StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 12:46

Well yes, I don't think I can do any more. I have said sorry for going to see her and said that I should not have done that. I appreciate that it could be seen as aggressive on my part, but that really wasn't my intention. I am not a drama llama - I don't have 'ding dongs' with anyone on the street, I would have walked away at the first sign of even a raised voice.

Thanks for the opinions, it is good to hear a range of responses and I grateful to everyone who responsed.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 29/01/2016 12:46

Why are you looking after your ex partner's son?

Confused
Original poster
StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 12:48

He was not my ex partner at the time. He ended our relationship due to this issue. I am in agreement with him - it could not continue.

OP posts:
Fidelia · 29/01/2016 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
StuntedPoppy · 29/01/2016 19:54

Wow, thanks for that Fidelia. I posted on here looking for some objective opinions. I don't think I asked for any sympathy at all, did I? I wanted to know what others thought about whether those particular words were threatening. As I've already said above, this was one part of a much longer letter, it was not sent on it's own as a text. FWIW I agree that this is all too much drama - as I said already I have never been involved in anything like this before and wanted some perspective.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 29/01/2016 20:23

I'n baffled by these responses. I don't personally think it was so awful to visit her - as she lives close by and you have been to hers regularly. She took it very badly, you immediately apologised, twice. Then you get this incandescent letter. Of course it's threatening.

Then your partner finishes with you for visiting her. Were you angry or aggressive when you visited her?

I do agree with the general consensus though that the whole thing sounds mad like high drama to me.

Fidelia · 29/01/2016 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2016 22:27

I think your boyfriend wanted to dump you and decided to do it via the medium of a little bit of sport between you and his ex

More fool the pair of you for being played

Offred · 29/01/2016 22:27

Yep

neolara · 29/01/2016 22:34

I don't under why you are getting such a hard time op. Unless there is history, going round to speak to someone to sort out a misunderstanding doesn't seem like crime of the century to me.

Cabrinha · 29/01/2016 22:42

So you get a full A4 sheet character assassination then post the bit where she says "I only mean verbal this isn't a threat" and ask if it's a threat Hmm

Although I don't there was not much else on that A4 sheet - I'm imagining it written in big crayon letters Grin

Offred · 29/01/2016 22:44

Going straight round, uninvited, to speak to your partner's ex who you know will be with their son and who you have just been told is currently at that moment 'in a rage' with you and ranting on the phone?

Incredibly naive at best, quite aggressive and inflammatory at worst that IMO.

TheCrimsonPleb · 29/01/2016 22:46

I have no idea what is going on here. It sounds bonkers. Move on with your life. Never mind her, never mind him. Do as you would be done by and all that. Do you have kids with him? I hope not because he does sound like prime bell end material.

Atenco · 30/01/2016 04:34

I'm with springy and neolara. I don't see anything passive aggressive about saying that you are sorry you seemed to snub and that that was never your intention. If that is the case, I too am guilty of saying such things. What else could you say?

I think you were put in an impossible situation and your favour of babysitting for the pair of them majorly backfired.

PS I also would have gone round, I must be maladjusted.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread