New Grandmother

[Dragonheart19]

Hello everyone, newbie please be gentle with me!
I've a dilemma about my first grandchildren. I'm beginning to feel increasingly pushed out by the childrens other Grandma. She lives in much closer proximity than me, has another grandchild that she looks after, although I'm only a couple of streets away, she is always asked to babysit, look after them when Mum goes to work. I've never been asked to look after them, take them out for a walk etc. Everything I make or buy them has to be washed - even though I've already done this (my house, belongings etc are all clean so that's not a problem) before they can have them. Maybe it's me, but I feel that I'm not trusted with them. I'm 'invited' to visit but the other lady is usually there so I don't feel I can stay long as I feel under scrutiny. I really don't want to say anything and cause bad feelings but I just feel their mum's mother is always there looking after them and doesn't really want me involved.
This is starting to make me feel upset, or maybe I'm just being over sensitive?
Anyway, thanks for listening :-)

And it is also normal that your DIL has her own mum help her out more

Sadly on MN it does seem so. You only have to read all the MIL threads to see how common it is.

There's even one uneccesarily nasty reply here.

OP I feel for you, do be honest with them about it.

I would always have turned to my own mum first if I wanted childcare & I'm pretty certain my husband's default would have been his own mum!

Have you told them that you'd like to help/be involved?

I agree that you need to offer specific help rather than wait to be asked. When my DC were younger that I would not ask my PILs to do much because they never offered anything. Or if they did offer it was a grand gesture like 'we will move into your house for a week and look after the kids while you go on holiday', never a small useful thing like a Saturday afternoon or a night out. And as they never spent small amounts of time with the DC, I would never have left PILs in charge for a week as they did not know the DC well enough.
I would also agree that you need to ask your DIL how she would like things done and make sure you do exactly that. She may be worried about any conflict that could arise if you want to do things your own way.
My own mum listened carefully and did what I asked, with my MIL it was her way or the high way so contact fizzled out because I didn't want any arguments.

Not all DILs have more help (nor want more help) from their own DMs.

Just sayin'....

But yes, invite them all (including the other GM if you feel you can) to your house a bit, or out for a walk together, or a meal/coffee and buns in town.

Offer to do things that would help DIL - that may not be baby-related but she might appreciate a meal cooked, or a floor washed, or shopping brought in etc. Especially if DGC is very small. And that would not be seen as "pushing in on the baby". And yes, ask what she wants, and how she wants to do things, and pay attention to that.

Yes, talk to your DS. But in a helping way rather than confrontation. Maybe he can come to visit you with the baby and let DIL have a rest on a weekend morning?

(Our case is a bit different as they are both close to each other, but a couple of hours away from us - but one is far more practical than the other and tends to offer babysitting etc since DD was tiny whereas the other was more of an "older child" than "doting on babies" person - and 1 was far more likely to tell us how we should be doing it with an expectation of us doing it that way and try to force us into her way, whereas the other was more inclined to comment on our choices but not interfere beyond that. Both do have good relationships with us and with DD, but there are differences).

Thank you all for your comments, all helpful and insightful.
I'm a firm believer in washing all childrens stuff as I caught impetigo(?) from some cashmire overseas made clothing as a child - made me very wary. I don't smoke or have pets. I would invite them round, but I 'd doubt they'd come, my son does pop in but on his own, as he always has done. They've both been round in the past but not often. If they go out, the babysitting is all done and dusted when they tell me. I don't want to cause any upset so I think it's best if I stay in the background and let them know, when I can, that they have another Grandma who loves them just as much:-)
Again, thank you for all your advice.

OP, do you think that you come across as not interested?

Why doesn't your son bring the kids round when he visits?

I do feel more comfortable around my own DM as opposed to my partner's DM. I have known my DM all my life plus it would be easier to disregard 'helpful' comments from my DM than from a MIL I thank goodness my partner's DM is very good at not making comments

My DM always thought it was up to my DF to make the effort to see his parents with us and I had a much more distant relationship on his side of the family as a result.

Reading posts on MN, it is the opinion that DP / DH's family is for them to deal with and, I know this is a big generalisation, I don't think some men place as much importance on seeing family as their partner's do.

Have a word with your son and explain you would like to be more involved but you may have to come to terms that your DIL is closer to her family than yours.

I love my MIL & FIL and have no concerns about them baby sitting (now), I used to because of the TV programs that used to be on constantly that were not appropriate to curious toddlers (soaps/Jeremy Kyle type things) and I always felt more comfortable with my mum as she shared my opinions more closely and I didn't have to have uncomfortable conversations - she also was not upset when I raised issues that I didn't like, unlike my PIL.

It could be that your DIL doesn't know how to talk to you and is worried that DC won't be looked after to her values - I have since (10 years later) learned how to talk with PILs without us getting upset but it did take time!

The washing thing, my MIL knits lovely things for the DCs and washes them but uses a lot of strong smelling fabric softener that makes me sneeze so I always wash them again (2 or 3 times) to reduce the scent. If I use softy it's always unscented but I won't criticise MIL just say thank you and try to deal with it quietly. So it could be something simple like that.

What would happen if you invited them all over for Sunday lunch?

I think it must be hard for mothers of sons, I'm pregnant with DC1 and I can't imagine asking MIL for help over DM when the baby's born. It's not that she isn't a nice person but I don't really know her that well and if she suggests something that was fine 20 years ago but isn't now I'd feel ackward telling her I wasn't going to do it whereas I'd happily tell my own mum if I thought her ideas were bonkers.

Plus with my own mum if we was visiting/helping out I could say mum please could you stick some washing on, help me tidy this etc. but I'd be too embarrassed with MIL in case she thought I was being lazy.

Try not to get offended about the washing thing, I'm washing all the things I get given from the baby no matter who gives them to me. I think that's just standard PFBness.

*if she was visiting/ helping out. Pregnancy is making me lose my grasp of the English language apparently