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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Selfish lover... Help?!?

49 replies

GirlNextDoor89 · 28/01/2016 15:59

Hey everyone! I'm a newbie here as far as posting goes however I have used the forum to read up on heaps since my pregnancy!

So, I have a daughter who is 2.5years old. Me and her dad split when she was 6 months old after 9 years together. I am 25. I stayed single and dated a bit until I met my boyfriend 7 months ago.
He was previously married but no kids. He is such a GOOD guy. So caring and genuinely loves us both to death. He accepts my daughter and would do anything I ask.... However... The sex just doesn't do it for me.
I love sex! I love everything about good sex. And we have spoken about what we both like, i do everything he likes and more to keep him satisfied. He however, listens to what I like and desire but does none. I told him (sorry for tmi) how I like a little hair tug or just take me in the spur of the moment type of sex. He doesn't do the hair thing cause he doesn't like it. But I do? He always plans sex in bed at night with the lights off and the routine is usually him lying there waiting for me to kiss him then me to give him a blow job where he will either finish or I'll stop and ask him to fuck... Zero foreplay for me he just climbs on and cums within minutes. Rolls over and sleeps. I'm so bored!!!! I don't feel sexy I don't feel wanted and I'm starting to look elsewhere which I don't want to do but.. I can't live with this forever! How do I go about talking to him about it without hurting him or making him feel useless? Sorry for the long post!
Thank you in advance xo

OP posts:

Jan45 · 28/01/2016 17:37

I am 14 years OP and still have passion and goosebumps.

Just read your last bit, I think you are putting in far too much effort to give him whatever he asks for - you need to stop.

You've answered your own question - he's a selfish git and I'd be surprised if he was Mr Wonderful in other areas of his personality.

Original poster

GirlNextDoor89 · 28/01/2016 17:40

Really appreciate the replies by the way folks.
Oh dear I either choose assholes
Who are great in bed or nice guys who are rubbish.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 28/01/2016 17:42

OMG he demanded a BJ and you just have him one and that was that?!!

Just bin him off. None of this hand guiding crap. He knows. He just doesn't care.

Wants you on top cos he's too tired? He really is a lazy fucker who just sees you - when it comes to sex - as there to service him.

I'm surprised you can bear to touch the arsehole. How do you even get turned on around him?!!

Original poster

GirlNextDoor89 · 28/01/2016 17:44

I don't anymore! That's the thing 😔

OP posts:

Whatdoidohelp · 28/01/2016 17:44

Stop doing anything to him! He'll hopefully soon realise it's a two way street!

Jw35 · 28/01/2016 17:48

Omg what a selfish arse! That won't change I'm afraid! Bin him you're 25 not 85! He can't have a caring and lovely personality! You obviously have low expectations! Get a bit of self respect girlfriend you can do so much better! I'm 36 and I wouldn't shag anyone who didn't pleasure me first! Foreplay is everything

VoldysGoneMouldy · 28/01/2016 17:50

He expects blowjobs and complains when you don't keep your toenails looking good?

Tell him to fuck off.

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2016 17:51

He's lazy and selfish and you are FAR too young to put up with that. There are plenty of nice guys out there who you could have a fantastic time with. You're 25 for god's sake!

Btw I thought foot fetishists liked to do your feet for you! I didn't think you had to spend hours doing them. Just one more bloody thing you have to do!

Jan45 · 28/01/2016 17:51

Eugh, I feel a bit nauseous.

He sounds a right weirdo tbh OP.

ALaughAMinute · 28/01/2016 18:22

To be honest I'd find it a turn off that he didn't want to please me. Either he's very ignorant or he's just using you sexually for his own sexual needs. Either way, I'd dump him and find someone who did want to please me.

I love having my hair pulled by the way but it has to be done with passion, and if the guy is not into it or not very passionate it just doesn't work.

TheVeganVagina · 28/01/2016 18:22

Life is to short for bad sex.

TheVeganVagina · 28/01/2016 18:24

A man should want to please you and make sure you are satisfied.
Its basic manners.

kittybiscuits · 28/01/2016 18:29

If he is a selfish lazy crap shag, those qualities will also emerge in others parts of your life, if they haven't already.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/01/2016 18:45

Why do you keep sucking his knob? Just stop! To be perfectly honest, it seems as though you have gone way too fast here. Why is he even in your daughter's life already? Bad sex and demanding you dress yourself up like a fuck toy = not good news.

Heatherjayne1972 · 28/01/2016 18:57

Tell him straight.- but not at bedtime Be really clear. And say if things don't change its goodbye He's been married 7 years he should have a teeny idea about how to please his lady.

Offred · 28/01/2016 19:43

Why did you think watching porn together would help?

Porn's usually all about women being fuck toys for men's pleasure.

If he has porn based views of sex that explains his 'sex is for me' entitlement behaviour TBH.

Nowt so selfish a lover as a porn man IMO...

LittleLegs25 · 28/01/2016 20:16

I wrote a similar thread last month! My DH was selfish in bed and still would be if I let him. There was no foreplay for me but I would do anything I could to please him and if I didn't get there then he would just go to sleep! I now make him give me for play before sex that way there's no excuse. If you've tried talking could you just tell him what you want him to do in the moment?

Whocansay · 28/01/2016 20:21

I think you need to reassess what your idea of a 'nice guy' is.

A 'nice guy' certainly isn't a selfish, lazy bastard who's happy for you to service him, whilst completely ignoring your needs.

Bin him immediately. Life's too short for this kind of shit.

Flossiesmummy · 28/01/2016 20:32

I have to say I'm inclined to say bin him off, just as PPs have done.

However, are you comfortable with telling him exactly what he's going to do to you? I've been with somebody before who was useless (not lazy or selfish, just hopeless) and I told him exactly what was going to happen in order for him to earn any rewards, IYSWIM

He loved being dominated like that and his skills improved rapidly. I laid off once he knew what he needed to do to ensure my pleasure as well as his, but he often asked for the 'bossy' version during funtimes.

bjrce · 28/01/2016 20:39

OP,

I have to say he does sound like a v lazy lover.

"Asking you to go on top" its all about him. Taking care of him.
"asking you for a blowjob", can I ask does he return the favour? if the answer to this is no, then its got nothing to do with inexperience, its all about him.

No wonder the wife got rid of him.
Its all great now (7 months) should be still the honeymoon period, of course he's going to be nice, but at the end of the day, he is both selfish and lazy! Sorry!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 28/01/2016 21:01

If you're feeling generous and want to give him a chance, next time he asks for a BJ say "of course...once you've got my rocks off" then lie there and wait. Next time he tries to fuck you without foreplay say "wait, I want foreplay on me first". Don't pleasure him until he's at least made an effort to pleasure you. Get hold of his hand and make him do it if need be. If he pulls away ask him what the matter is. If he pulls away before you've had enough put his hand back and tell him not to stop yet. He doesn't want to get on top because it makes him tired?! Tell him he'll get fitter with practice so hop on and bloody well get on with it. If he rolls over before he's pleasured you say "Oi, we've not finished yet". It's time to get assertive.

Original poster

GirlNextDoor89 · 28/01/2016 21:22

Love these responses, thanks so much everyone. Yeah I'm u sure if he's lazy or just hopeless. I'll try another approach and if that fails it's time to call it a day... Sex is a massive part of a relationship and if it's not working then it's not meant to be I guess! Thanks for all the support 👌🏼😘

OP posts:

MatrixReloaded · 28/01/2016 21:52

I don't understand why you keep sucking his dick.

FluffyPersian · 28/01/2016 21:57

I was really blunt with one of my exes.

We'd been seeing each other for about 4 months and he was so selfish in the bedroom. No foreplay, all about him... I wasn't overly experienced, but knew that I wasn't getting much and despite all the 'hints without hurting his feelings', he just didn't change.

So after we had sex (no foreplay, me on top etc). I just stopped half way through and said 'I'm bored, you're crap, I'll do it myself' and started doing stuff on my own. He was a bit 'Eh?' so I said 'You are rubbish in the bedroom and despite hinting, you don't seem to care about me enjoying myself.. so I'll do it myself'

It was as if the penny dropped.... and despite us splitting 1.5 years later, he actually 'got it' and I never had to 'hint' delicately again.

I'd be blunt and then if he doesn't get it... I'd ditch him pronto.

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