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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

staying together for kids?

54 replies

Hellojoe · 27/01/2016 21:38

Have previously posted under a different name.

Dh treated me badly for a couple of months, basically not speaking, being grumpy and snappy. Not wanting sex.
It all came to a head before Christmas when he said he was unhappy with me, I asked him to leave for a bit while he decided what he wants.

Well it's now nearly two months later and he refuses to talk about what has happened, how he is feeling and how we could move forward. He has just said the only way he'd come back now is for the kids. (We have three young dc's)

What would you do?

Honestly I am bereft, we have been together since we were young. I miss him so much and I really love him. I think I am still in shock as I didn't see any of this coming, we have always been a solid unit.

I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the situation, the children miss him so much and ask why he won't come back. It breaks my heart.
Every time the door goes, they run to it shouting daddy. I feel so bad for them that this is happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellojoe · 28/01/2016 16:45

No not spoken to a solicitor yet, he's been very reasonable about money. Still paying all the bills and I have access to the joint account where his wage is paid in. He doesn't have his own separate account.

I have my own bank account where my wage goes into. So have access to both.

I have had the house valued, we have a significant amount of equity in it. I asked if we could put it on the market as ultimately I won't be able to afford to stay here long term. He refuses to sell, saying he will pay as long is necessary.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 28/01/2016 17:05

It's not really just his decision about selling the house though, is it? He's chosen to walk away, other choices now become yours. What reason does he give for refusing to sell?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/01/2016 17:10

My ExH was reasonable about the money.
Until about 6 months later when we then got absolutely nothing from him.
So watch yourself.
This man is no longer your friend and you need to arm yourself.
Why doesn't he want to sell?
I think maybe he's thinking he'll pay everything until kids are 18 and then take all the equity.
It doesn't work like that and he needs to know this.
If you want to sell then you need to get some legal advice.
He can't make you stay in the house.
It may hold too many memories for you and the kids and you want a fresh start.
If it's got a lot of equity then I'd get that out and move asap!

Original poster
Hellojoe · 28/01/2016 19:54

His reason for refusing to sell is because we have a nice house in a premium location. We were really lucky and bought it for a bargain, there is nothing close to the house we have now that we could buy if we sold. The dc's school is also two mins away.

I think he wants the kids to have some stability which is laughable really.

He has said he is willing to sign away his right to the equity so his name can remain on the mortgage as I couldn't afford it on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellojoe · 28/01/2016 19:56

Hells bells- what did your husband do to ensure you got nothing (if you don't mind me asking)

I know I need to smarten up but I would never have thought it would have been me on this type of thread.

I just can't help but think what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me and our children? How can he just walk away? It's so unbelievably fucking selfish.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 28/01/2016 20:04

He moved abroad. Left me with everything. He still thinks he's something great. God he was knob.
There's nothing wrong with you at all.
We all think that though. But it will pass.
You can't reason it. So don't try.
Get all the support you can.

Original poster
Hellojoe · 28/01/2016 22:02

God that sounds awful.

I don't have any support, I think that's half the problem. My family think I have been too easy on him by letting him go (I'm not sure how they think I could force him to stay) by changing the bills to my account and by insisting he takes them on his days off.

My family think if I can get him to come back under any circumstance it is a win win situation.
I'm so torn

OP posts:
Norest · 28/01/2016 22:12

But do you really want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with you? Could you handle waking up each day and thinking they are only there for the kids and not because they want a relationship with you?

Wouldn't that be more painful in the long run?

By the by I also think he has treated you really badly with this 'half in half out' thing. He is getting the best of both worlds, more freedom, able to puruse other people (or maybe already is / has) and still gets to keep hold of the house with loads of equity. Can you sign equity over to someone and remain on the mortage and paying it? if that is the case the personally I would call his bluff, and see if he keeps to his word.

my money is on he would not.

Also it is cruel to split up with someone and refuse to start divorce proceedings.

Why do your children not want to go to his house? Have they givne reasons?

bb888 · 28/01/2016 22:31

Don't allow yourself to be his second best.
Also - if you allow him to stay 'for the children' apart from all the downsides of giving them a false view of what a relationship should look like etc, presumably he will be straight back out the door as soon as he deems the children old enough to cope. and you will have wasted all those years that you could have spent finding/being with someone who wanted to be with you.

NotSittingRight · 28/01/2016 22:45

Yea it's true that no one should settle for a relationship that isn't really a relationship (more of a lodger), but if t is breaking your heart with the kids then buy yourself some time and take the easy way out until you feel differently.

There was a thread on MN around Christmas where a few women were lamenting their forced distance from their children on Christmas day. It was heart wrenching to hear the stories. One person commented that you dot often here this side of the reality on MN, but it can be very much a worse pain than living with someone not knowing if you'll ever been right with each other again.

Don't rush OP, do what you feel the best option is for now. You can always change your mind later. It's hard enough to go through this without adding to your burden and only you know what will be the worst misery for you.

I wish you all the best in whatever you choose.

AgathaF · 29/01/2016 05:19

There's nothing wrong with you. He is, as you said though, unbelievably selfish. And that's exactly what he will continue to be too, so you need to protect yourself financially from further fuckwittery from him.

I think what he's proposing with the equity/mortgage wouldn't stand up legally. I'm not sure why he would even propose it really. He wants to retain the house because of the area etc, yet sign away his rights to the equity? Have I got that wrong, because it makes no sense to me at all.

What do you want to do with the house? What would work best for you, in the future?

Also, I think your family are talking a load of old bollocks. Really, I do. However, I can see how their attitude is making it even harder for you to accept the situation, keeping hope going where, frankly, at this moment, there is none. Do you have anyone else who you can talk to - work colleagues, friends, neighbours?

Original poster
Hellojoe · 01/02/2016 16:08

Update- he told me today he wants a divorce. I am devastated but at least I can prepare for the future alone now.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 01/02/2016 16:51

I'm really sorry you've got to go through this. You are right though, in that you can now start to look to the future, not be sitting around waiting for his latest utterances.

Please, please get yourself equipped with a decent solicitor and get all of your financial etc paperwork in order. Your H can no longer be trusted and is no longer on your side, so you need to get someone in your corner who is.

Minime85 · 01/02/2016 17:11

My answer was going to be don't do it for the kids but it seems he has answered it for you. Now you take charge and make the decisions for your future but it won't be alone. You have your kids and talk to people in real life and share how you are. You will not be alone. What is going on now is really hard and you need to take small steps and each day at a time but I promise you will come out the other side. Not exactly the same situation but I'm on the other side now and it's a happy one. Doesn't mean each day is easy but it's definitely better. You will be fine

Original poster
Hellojoe · 01/02/2016 18:48

Thank you for your support, I don't feel fine but it's encouraging to read about others who have been through this.

I feel like I've let my children down so badly, as I couldn't keep the marriage together. In reality I know it's him that has done this but I still can't look at them without feeling so much guilt.

I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow

OP posts:
bb888 · 01/02/2016 18:53

You haven't let your children down, and a relationship takes two people to want to be in it - you can't control that.
Part of the reason that you feel so horrible now is the uncertainty and not knowing how things will work out. You will feel better as you move forwards. Be kind to yourself Flowers

silverfoxofwarwick1952 · 01/02/2016 19:06

It's right to start planning soon. Your DCs need to have stability and so do you. Take him up on his offer to pass the equity in the house to you, and keep emails or letters that confirm the same. The equity in a property can be transferred with the mortgage staying in his name. You need a financial arrangement sanctioned by the court, to give you certainty and foundations. From my experience try to ensure you both protect the children most, make any new relationships 'subject to' their needs, and create emotional time for them. They will be in a fragile position and the ripples or a separation can continue for a long time, they can be deeper and longer if it's a drawn out battle. He must step up to these things if he has any shred of decency.

readyforno2 · 01/02/2016 20:41

You have not let your children down.
Relationships fail, that is the truth. You should have let them down if you had stayed together and it had been a lie.
Your do will be happier in the long run. I promise.
Be good to yourself op, you deserve to be happy and have someone who treats you right WineThanks

readyforno2 · 01/02/2016 20:42

Dammit. Dc not do Angry

Minime85 · 01/02/2016 20:44

It is absolutely not your fault. As another poster said be kind to yourself. He walked away. I have moved on and am in a new relationship but will never forgive my ex for not fighting to save our marriage for us and our kids. If we had fought for it and it still hasn't worked then we would have done our best. I didn't mean to be flippant in saying you will be fine before either. Just that in the end you will be. And more than fine too. It's a new reality and it will sit easier with you as time goes by.

Original poster
Hellojoe · 01/02/2016 21:39

I feel so selfish and this is probably going to sound awful, but I keep imagining him being with someone else and it's killing me. How will I get past that? I've been with him since school, I love him, he should be mine.
God the thought of step parents and possibly siblings is too much to take.

I just don't know how I will get through it. How do you have time to grieve when you have the children everyday. I just want to stay in bed and wallow, but obviously that's not possible.

Is there anything I can do to make this easier?

OP posts:
Minime85 · 01/02/2016 22:23

Don't think of those things now. Take one day at a time. Baby steps. Baby steps. Confide in RL friends and let the children be reason to believe everything will be ok. Baby steps.

OldestStory · 01/02/2016 22:34

It's awful, isn't it,like your life's been stolen?

Try seeing your doctor or practice nurse for some short term meds to calm you down and deal with the panicky feelings and help sleep.

💐

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 01/02/2016 22:37

Where is he living now?

Itisbetternow · 01/02/2016 23:20

Can you get your GP to sign you off work for a few days? Although I found the routine of work helpful as it stopped me crying all day whilst watching crap TV. Take each day as it comes. Your little family will be fine. I found the kids and I needed to time to rebond after the shock so we did lots of nice things - duvet days, pizza and DVDs nights so that I could just hug them close. Small steps and no big decisions until you are stronger.