Found out that something horrific happened to a friend...

[yolofish]

I cant go into details, because it would make her pretty much identifiable, but think kidnap, rape and very extreme torture. It was a long time ago, and I just asked her how she was and it all came spilling out. She's actually 'fine' but had PTSD flashbacks due to a medical procedure her DS was having. I just cannot get what happened to her out of my head... she doesn't want sympathy, she feels 'better' for having told me she says. Not sure why I am posting really...

Have anyone of you had to take in that sort of information from someone you love? It's not something you can just take in and deal with. It's a trauma all of its own. You need support. I certainly did - this was repeated rape and torture of a loved one.

Glint I've heard my share of awful confidences, yes. While I sympathise with the op's predicament (and I apologise for my tone last night by the way), I honestly believe that telling people the wounded party KNOWS about it all is a very bad idea. It has the potential to make the person who needs support write you off as a source of it.

I agree with LaContessa. I don't think you should have told the mutual friend.
But it's done now. I hope it never does come out as your friend could be very hurt.

Yes, you are a blabbermouth. You have now told two people something that has been told to you in confidence. Yes, telling your mum is blabbing. Your poor friend.

If you need support, then get it from a professional. But currently your friend has told you sonething she chose to keep secret for 25 years and told you she has put behind her, and your reaction is to tell two other people and write about it on an internet forum. Has your friend asked you to find out about counselling for her? It doesn't sound like it in your OP.

You most definitely shouldn't have told the mutual friend!! Or your mum. If you needed to talk to someone you should have talked to a Person who doesn't know your friend and without mentioning her name or identifying details. You have done a horrible thing.

OP, a friend of mine told me a couple of years ago about sexual abuse she had suffered in childhood/teenage years. It was an awful shock, and I spent about 3 days feeling sick, wanting to cry, and unable to think about anything else. I was able to talk about it in very vague terms with a mutual friend who also knew (friend told me she had told them already), but it was still hard to deal with.

It was complicated by the fact that we actually aren't sure whether she's telling the truth (there are several things about the story which don't add up) - but we're fairly sure that the basic facts are true, and have chosen to believe the rest.

There's a website called Pandora's Aquarium which I found helpful to post on, and also to get some advice on what to do and say. You might find it worthwhile to go there and have a read of some of the articles, and maybe post on the forum. You'll get support and advice.

well, friend A and B live in different countries and due to circumstances will never meet again. My mother is likely to die within the next 5 years, and doesnt know either of them. does that absolve me in the eyes of those who think I am a blabbermouth? if not I would ask you to think what you would do in my situation... like NotTHE says above, it leaves you feeling sick to the core.

get therapy for myself? um yeah, like I found this out just a few days ago, have a job, partner, kids etc etc, and a therapist specialising in this kind of thing would be immediately available? I dont think so. I will look at Pandora's Aquarium and also research the EMDR thing mentioned up thread so that if A brings it up again I have some more expertise.

Have you got telling people out of your system? You really can't tell anyone else that's not a professional. You could even go to your gp and tell them, but absolutely not anybody in real life. As bad as it is for you its 100 times worse for her.

I am pretty shocked that someone can go through horrendous abuse but needs to apparently shut up about it in case they upset others

What's the first thing we say when someone is upset on here - 'have you got any real life support?'
Answer - 'no, it has told me to STFU.'

OP, I think you're getting a hard time here for telling someone else, but i do know how it feels to be told something like this out of the blue, and it is incredibly hard. There's a reason that you would now be described as a "secondary survivor" - because something like this is so bad that even being told about it is traumatic.

Probably best not to tell anyone else who knows your friend; as to whether you should have told B and your mum: well, it's done now, so you can't do anything about that. But I think some posters are forgetting that you were most likely in a state of shock, and possibly still are. Please do look at the site I recommended above; I found it very helpful, and their advice was brilliant.

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time on this thread. Yesterday, I spent five hours dealing with the various problems faced by my close friend and neighbour (think homelessness, lack of money, ongoing horrific domestic abuse, dreadfully urgent health needs of her ds). I have problems of my own, although nowhere near as horrific as hers. My own boys needed my attention - but I can make it up to them afterwards. . There was simply nobody else who could help my friend, she was at her wits end and has been disowned by her own community for reporting the abuse.

I couldn't put this baton down until I had passed it to a responsible person - does that make sense? I was too tired and ill to deal with her problems, but she and her children needed me. I knew there was nobody else who could help. I listened to her, called all the appropriate agencies, translated for her, and finally told her to go home and get some sleep.

After this had all happened, I was shaky and utterly emotionally drained. Today, I told my good friend A about the whole thing, including all the details which I found particularly difficult to deal with, and which were triggering for me. Friend A has a good idea of what confidentialty means, and I trust her professionally as well as personally. I needed to debrief, because I was frankly a bit traumatised by what my friend and neighbour is going through, and worried about her and her children.

What I am trying to say is that you, op, have a right to support of your own. Be careful who you choose as trustworthy to share other people's bad stuff with. And if you are not competent to deal with really complicated things in other people's lives, find out who is and signpost them.

Bless you for being such a good friend

thank you notThe and intothebreach for understanding. it is a horrible thing to be hit with (although obviously not as truly awful for A) and I did my best - it's all I can do.