Can you ever get the spark back?

[Elfishpresley]

All in all we are pretty happy but we are more like house mates. We have a lovely DS and another on the way. DP is a fantastic dad, I cannot fault him for that but our relationship is stale.

I have spent the last 2 years trying to keep the spark alive but all my efforts go unnoticed and unappreciated which I found very hurtful so I have given up.

I have told him how I feel but nothing ever changes, he just makes me feel guilty for the kids and how hard he works for us.

All I am asking for is just a fraction of the affection and romance that we had at the beginning. I want a loving relationship and don't want this for the rest of my life.

Im finding myself resenting him. He spends every spare minute he has playing this stupid game on his phone or with his uncles and cousins in the pub drinking and taking drugs. He wants us to move to be closer to them but I know he will end up in the pub with them every night and I'm not putting up with that. The males in his family are old school and believe women should be at home with the kids while they do as they please, they have little respect for their partners and cheat on them regularly. My DP is a good man but when he spends so much time with the males in his family, their attitude rubs off on him. He always used to say how he did not want to end up like that and couldn't see why his mum put up with his dad for doing the same.

I'm not a door mat, I'm not staying home all day and all night with the kids on my own while he swans off until 3am every time he goes out. I would like to point out that I have no problem with him going out but he always pushes things by going out more and more and staying out later and later.

I also found that he was following a dating thing on his phone/Instagram which he swears he didn't realise what it was and just thought it was a bit like page 3 on Instagram. He also started following some young girls that he claims are his friends cousins which I don't believe. I trusted him completely until this, I know it's nothing major but the seed of doubt has been planted and its niggling at me.

I laid in bed last night thinking about everything and I'm pretty upset that our relationship has come to this, do you think it can be saved?

I'm sorry if this is a bit bitty and bobby, my head is all over the place.

The spark was still there for me but it's gone now, I gave up trying.

He takes cocaine when out.

My self esteem is low but I do see that I deserve better. If it wasn't for the kids, PND which I have just over come and my financial situation, I would've been gone a long time ago. The only way that I will stay is if DP does a complete 180 in how he is towards me affection wise and shows me more respect when it comes to going out etc.

Believe me, I am not a push over and won't let him take the piss any longer.

But you have been letting him take the piss, he's not suddenly going to get a full front lobotomy and change into a decent partner, what you get is what you've been having.

So what if you are going to be worse of financially, surely it would be worth it.

Coke is extremely expensive and the come down is horrendous but yet you say he is a fantastic dad.

You've been slogging a dead horse for two years, is it not time to give up?

flogging.

You are right. I know he won't change deep down. He will for a few days then will go back to his usual self.

I mentioned this to him earlier and he just gave the usual excuses, we are tired from the kids etc and his solution is more time apart which for him means more time in the pub. Like I said before, I don't have an issue with him going to the pub but he always pushes the limits by staying out later and later like some sort of teenager proving a point. If he just came home at a normal time instead of sitting at his uncles shoving God knows what up his nose, I wouldn't get so annoyed. It's disrespectful. I have been out a handful of times since having our DS and came home by midnight each time. On the one occasion that I had an awful hangover the next day, he said it was self inflicted and went out. Shit would hit the fan if I left him alone with DS after he had been out.

Sorry for the rant, I find it hard to say these things to him as he just has some shitty response and misses my point entirely!

My problem financially is that I have no savings, no money to start up home on my own (deposits, furniture etc) the car is in his name and I have no means of borrowing money as I have been rebuilding my credit rating after some stupid mistakes made in my younger years.

He has just caused a row over everything saying that I will never be happy because of what I went through as a child with my family (this is his favourite card to pull out) that I live in a dream world and the way we are is real life.

I'm not asking for a lot I don't think. The way he was when we first got together was everything I could've asked for. If he was like he is now from the start, I would never stayed with him.

We clearly have different expectations of a relationship. It's safe to say that it's over.

I've no idea where to begin with finding myself some where to live. Will the council help me? I have no where else to go.

If you're married there is no "his" and "mine;" all the assets will be split equally (except debts in his name alone, if there are any, that you can show weren't for the benefit of the family). The car is both of yours if you're married, it doesn't matter whose name it's in.

Sorry for what you're going through.

FWIW, I don't think you're asking for too much; I think you've been settling for too little!

The few years when you have small kids are tough on any relationship: less sleep, less money, less sex, generally less time for the two of you. I would normally say that you both have to be kind to each other and ride it out.

But, OP, he's not being kind to you, is he? The way he's treating you really, really isn't okay. You and your children deserve better.

Plus, do you really want your children, boys or girls, to think that it's okay for men to treat women this way?

I can't imagine how terrifying it must be to contemplate leaving when you have no money of your own. But I guess you are currently seeing midwives regularly and perhaps also a health visitor. They, and your GP, are well-equipped to let you know what support is available in your area and they should be able to put you in touch with services who can let you know what support you're entitled to with money and housing.

You leaving needn't necessarily be the end of the relationship forevee. But at the moment he is not a safe or healthy person for you and your children to be with.

(And I've been with my husband for nearly 15 years, and we've experienced shit like you wouldn't believe, including deaths, miscarriages, infertility, depression, unemployment... But he is still kinder to me than anyone else, and our relationship has got stronger, not weaker, over time.)

He's not a 'fantastic dad' if he's constantly playing on his phone and out till 3am drinking and snorting coke. There's no way. What is he like around the house the next day?

You say you have no problem with him going out. Well you should have a problem with it. He is totally disrespecting you and not behaving like a family man.

This is nothing to do with a 'spark.' He is mistreating you and behaving badly and I think you have lost a sense of what is normal.

youre completely right to think that you deserve more than this Elfish. Of course relationships become less exciting and sparky over time but it sounds like he has no interest in your needs, let alone trying to meet them. I think youve tried long enough. Youve given it your all, and he is completely taking you for granted. That isnt what a good relationship is like , and youre worth more than that x