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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH asked me to bite him. Freaked out.

48 replies

MrsHelenBee · 25/01/2016 13:54

DH and I hadn't been intimate for over a year. A new baby, health issues and stress has killed my libido, but I've been trying to get back what we had for a while, and last night we were intimate.
I get that we can all say things in the throws of passion, and I've occasionally said a few things which I guess would be a mild form of dirty talk, but DH was nearly at the crucial point (sorry, tmi but I don't know how else to explain it), when he asked me to bite him.
I was shocked and pretended I didn't hear him, and hoped it was forgotten, but today I definitely haven't forgotten, and I feel a bit freaked out. Biting isn't me, and if this is a new direction he wants to go in, I don't want to go there. We always seemed compatible but today I feel like I don't know him, and surely if he knew me, he'd know I'm not into that in the slightest.
Am I overreacting? I feel really uncomfortable about it today.

OP posts:

SoThatHappened · 25/01/2016 14:39

One of my partners bit me on the neck without asking once. It freaked me out as I wasnt expecting it. It might be standard but cant say I was thrilled by it.

Foreverconfused · 25/01/2016 14:39

My partner likes me to bite him when I'm giving him oral (sorry if too much information) and it's never progressed to anything more ,he just likes the sensation.

lavenderhoney · 25/01/2016 14:43

Is biting vanilla? It would surprise me tbh, and I've not been asked or even thought of biting.

Op, asking him is the way forward - he won't want to have caused you worry.

flanjabelle · 25/01/2016 14:44

Op you are not dull. Everyone has baggage when it comes to sex. Even without a history like yours, everyone has the right to decide what they do and dont like. No one should have to do anything they aren't comfortable.

In your shoes I would have a conversation with your dh. I know it's tough to bring up these things (I have a very similar history to you, so have certain things that are complete no nos for me), but in order to have a working sexual relationship there needs to be openness and honesty.

I would hope that your dh would be devastated to know he had upset you like this. Unless he is a cruel abusive arsehole, he surely wasn't thinking about how it would be triggering for you. You need to talk to him op.

for you. Pm if you need someone who has been through similar to talk to. Good luck.

flanjabelle · 25/01/2016 14:47

Oh and please just try to remember that he is not a mind reader. Things that are very obvious to you may not be as clear to him. I have come into difficulty in this area as I expected my dp to be able to easily work out what would be a trigger and what wouldn't and that actually wasn't fair.

Twinklestein · 25/01/2016 15:50

I'm sorry to hear of your awful experience. If you'd put that in your OP you would have got completely different responses.

Jan45 · 25/01/2016 15:53

Who says it's standard, I wouldn't want bitten or to bite my partner and I'm not dull or inhibited.

Sorry OP, that sounds extremely insensitive of him considering what you went through.

usual · 25/01/2016 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 25/01/2016 15:58

its not dull to not enjoy biting, but he hasnt asked for some big BDSM session. Just saying theres nothing sinister about it

summerainbow · 25/01/2016 16:08

Maybe you should get sexual therapy as you seem to have few issues

Joysmum · 25/01/2016 16:18

Ignore what everyone else thinks is normal or not, you are allowed to do or reject whatever you wish during sex, your past has no bearing on what you can say no to.

What's really important here is the you talk this through with your DH so he can understand it's off the cards. Even if there was not background as to why you don't want to, you would still need to be able to say no and that it's not your thing. Given your past it's even more important you talk things through with him (I too was raped as a teenager so I say this because it's been best for me and DH for me to share my fear with him)

hadenough111 · 25/01/2016 16:20

But it IS dull/vanilla to some people. People gave their opinions. Neither is right or wrong

Obviously responses would have been different if op gave her history up front.

Relate do sexual therapy courses that are supposed to be very good.

Original poster

MrsHelenBee · 25/01/2016 16:25

It's nice to see that past or no past, not everyone is into biting. Early posts made me feel like I was being frigid but I don't consider myself inhibited or stiff. I have two DS's and had a lot of fun making them or just practising. I don't think I need therapy either just because I don't want to try it. I don't live in the past any more, and I'm very open and honest with DH. I think I was just shocked last night and, as it's never come up before and we're all about fun but gentleness, it played on my mind today and I needed to get it off my chest. I'm talking to him when he gets home, and always intended to, but he was asleep within seconds last night, had left for work by 5:30am and so there hadn't been a chance to say anything. I just needed to offload. Thanks to all the sensitive posters.x

OP posts:

hadenough111 · 25/01/2016 16:31

'The sensitive posters' - the ones who have the same sexual tastes as you?

Please don't think that enjoying biting means you aren't sensitive.

Original poster

MrsHelenBee · 25/01/2016 16:51

No I don't think that at all and I'd never suggest sexual preferences define someone's ability to be sensitive or not. But some posts were a little more supportive than others.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 25/01/2016 17:27

If biting is associated with being raped in your mind, then it's entirely understandable if you don't want do it.

As I said, if you'd put that in your OP you'd have got different answers.

PushingThru · 25/01/2016 17:31

I'd just forget about it if I were you. He probably just got carried away because you both hadn't had sex in a long time.

PushingThru · 25/01/2016 17:32

I like biting & nibbling though

user7755 · 25/01/2016 17:37

I think that your second post put a very different slant on your OP. In itself, biting during sex is neither here nor there if both people are up for it. If either person is not up for it, it's not OK but not a particular problem which is why some of the initial replies weren't terribly sensitive, your reaction seemed a bit out of context.

If biting is associated with a past trauma, as it is for you, then feeling a bit freaked out is completely understandable.

Joysmum · 25/01/2016 17:38

Good for you OP.

You can say no to whatever you want but n your case a little discussion as to it being a trigger would be very useful.

As an aside, there are people who don't like oral, or having the light on, or having sex anywhere but in the bedroom, that's their choice too.

We should not have to justify our tastes and I'd definitely not try to shame anyone into thinking they are boring or not normal because their tastes aren't the same as mine. The tastes of other really do have no bearing.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 25/01/2016 18:34

Your second post puts a whole different spin on things. So sorry you've had that experience. Have a good chat with you DH about everything.

I do wonder if maybe some trauma therapy would be helpful? Not because you need to be able to bite your husband or anything like that, but because it might mean that any suggestion of it coming up again (either with your husband, or on a TV show, or mentioned by a friend etc) doesn't cause you to have the extreme reaction this has triggered. Say that with complete empathy as a similar experience has meant I freak out by anyone touching the tops of my legs, or seeing the gesture on someone else. It's taken a while to work through it, and I'm not completely there, but it doesn't overwhelm me like it did.

flatbellyfella · 25/01/2016 19:00

I am sure he did not mean for you to chomp down on him,as if you were taking a bite out of a big hard red apple, just the gentle feel of your teeth on his shoulder will send shivers up his spine.

jevoudrais · 25/01/2016 19:20

You should talk to your husband about it.

You were never going to get the responses you wanted/needed from your first post alone, and your husband is the one who will understand the context far better than anyone else on here too.

Some people have bad experiences but are never affected by triggers. I doubt your husband was thinking of your past at the time and would be quite upset to know how it has made you feel. But until you tell him, he probably still wont think about it.

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