Happy but sexless marriage and don't know what to do next

[ladybirdie]

I have a largely happy marriage, with two young children 5 and 1, but no sex life to speak of. We've been together 8 years, married for 6. Sex was never show-stopping, but when I eventually tried nicely to ask for us to make it different, he lost his rag and we ended up unable to talk about it together without him being enraged. We ended up having almost no sex.

It became a big problem for me, not having sex, and I pushed for us to get counselling and we had sex therapy for nearly 2 years. During that time we came to understand that he had problems and worries about intimacy, about sex being a bit shameful, and about 'getting it right'. In the past I had quite a few sexual partners, unlike him, but also unlike him no very long-term relationships, because I too found intimacy difficult in my way.

It's weird because we talk about everything except this, he is my best friend, and we enjoy our life together. other than this. I am finding myself so enraged that 18 months after ending therapy, and with all the work that we did, I am still the only one of us bringing up the topic and also initiating sex - which always comes to nothing. If i never mentioned it, I really don't think he ever would. I flip between wanting to understand him, and be gentle, and wanting to scream (I don't) and blame him for it all.

I know he has a strong sex drive as he's told me he masturbates a lot, and fantasises about me. I feel sometimes that he's having a sex life with a version of me in his head, one that can't hurt or criticise him.

I really don't know what to do next, other than sit it out and wait until the children are older so I could support myself financially after a divorce.

Has anyone else been through something like this? What would your advice be?

[crazyhead]

I'd go to counselling on your own and work out what the bottom line is - eg can you stay if he doesn't want sex again? He's acting like a child - as though if he keeps quiet this will go away and that's not fair. It's a big denial of a pretty normal desire. If I didn't want and felt I couldn't have sex again I'd be asking my husband if he wanted divorce/discrete relationships.