It's always my fault - what do you think?

[confusedmum2one]

Argh! I'm so fed up of living like this, no trust, little love, no respect.

Sorry for this post, just feel I need your advice/opinions again.

DH thanked me last night for my message/diary entry for "an early night". I said I didn't send/create it! I felt uneasy as he was a bit vague whether it was a message/alarm etc so I picked up his phone (which was beside him on the sofa) and said "I'll find out who sent it", he snatched it off me and said "no you wont, how dare you go through my things" (I have been a snooper in the past but haven't snooped for a while - when I snoop, I find things that I don't like and confirm he's lied/fibbed about things). I was a bit huffy because of him snatching the phone and he said he didn't trust me not to snoop. then he found the alarm about the early night and it was a standard preset alarm you can use on his phone! He must've activated it iwthout realising. We then had a row. Went to bed and I apologised for being huffy but that the way he described the alarm etc freaked me out to think someone else might've created it. He said I am still accusing him (in May I thought he was pursuing a work colleague, this blew up around November too). I pressed to make up and he told me to F.Off.
This morning I looked him in the eye and said I wasn't accusing him, I just was freaked out by the message/alarm thingy because he'd been so vague - he told me he didn't believe me.

I feel so shit. I wasn't going to post this on MN but I'm so unsure at the moment. I don't think I love him any more I am just in love with the idea of a family and don't think I'm strong enough to leave. We don't trust each other - he thinks I snoop (haven't snooped since I told him I wouldn't). It's always me apologising and trying to make up and him not accepting that I react to the way he's explained something.

To make matters worse I know he'll use his family against me. His mum wanted to come over Christmas eve - I said ok but they'd need to meet us down the pub as we had planned to go down there (this has caused a bit of a to do). Now I just know how predictable he'll be - he'll say he doesn't want to go now and so his parents can come round after all and that it was me creating the rift again.

Any advice - am I a whinging so and so?! Don't think I have it in me to leave - not even sure that's what I want. Dear Santa - all I want for Christmas is for my H to believe me when I look him in the eye - FFS if you can't believe someone when they look you in the eye when can you!

God this sounds familiar.

I snooped on my ex, as I KNEW he was up to something instinctively. He was the same about his phone, possessive, blew up if I went near it etc, and in my opinion anyone who does that has something to hide. I ended up finding out he had an affair, when I 'snooped' after more in different ways I found a woman who said there was a 3 year affair also. So, what I am saying is, trust your instincts. The fact he was pursuing something else would surely make him try harder with you and try to be more transparent. Is there any remorse there on his side of things? Because if there isn't, and blame shifted upon you, then it looks like there is something a bit deeper going on. Is he angry a lot? Possessive? Controlling?

FF - we've gone to this country pub in our village for the past two years and discussed together that's how we wanted to spend our Christmas Eve this year, then go on to a Christmas Show locally for DD. We invited his family for Christmas day and to stay the night if they wanted (1 hr drive away) but they declined saying it was too far from his ill Granny (which is fine and we understood), Christmas Eve has always been my favourite out of Christmas and DH knows that. You're not being nasty either, I appreciate honest replies.

Yes I have always had possessive nature (on waiting list for counselling and trying my hardest to change my ways but tbh I sometimes don't know what is right and wrong behaviour). Often in the past he's told wee white fibs that in my mind convinced me I am to be suspicious of him. It's not all the time and he's always known I have a snoopy nature (again I am ashamed of it and don't like being like it. I manage to control it for a time then I get the panicked urge back).

We try and break the cycle - I want us to go to couples counselling but he refuses. Like Isolade points out - I feel he should be trying to be as transparent as possible after his emails and lies in May.

Sorry to go on.

FF yes my parents had affairs and my mum is very controlling and possessive of her kids. I've grown up to think that is normal as I've always moved around a lot and so not had long standing friends.

I've just had a friend round this morning and although I didn't confide in her about the situation I am feeling more withdrawn from it/DH. I feel that I am making all the effort to change my ways yet he's not making much of an effort to reassure me. I know he finds it tiring but it's not like I go on and on every day - it's probably once/twice a week for 5 mins I might need some reassurance.

Thanks for letting me air my frustration and get your thoughts on this, I'm going to sit tight and see what Christmas and the New Year brings.

know what you mean about the little white lies it makes you think if they can lie over sonething so triviual(sp?) what else can they lie about