We've been together for 25 years. For the last 10 years we've been sharing a life and a home but there's been no closeness. We've got two kids, both autistic and they need a lot of time and support. My wife hasn't been able to work because she does most of the caring. Our relationship is over. I know that. She doesn't want to be with me anymore and I know that she wants me out of her life. Now the time has come to leave and I just can't see a way of affording another place for me to live too on one salary. We're already in debt. I also know that if I move out, she will need me to come round all the time to help with the kids. I can't even imagine how hard it will be for the kids to understand. We hide from them how distant our relationship has become. They won't have any idea what's coming.
She really wants to finish her academic studies and deserves that so much because having kids with a disability has stopped her from doing that for so long. Maybe I just need to do it, move out, and accept it will be painful. I love her so much and she once said that if I love her, I would let her be free. Maybe I should just try and be the best parent and ex that I can. For years I've always clung to the hope we could be close again one day, but I think that for the first time I am starting to let in the truth that it really is over. I know I am responsible for what's happened. When I leave, I've promised myself that I will do everything I can to be kind and respectful to my wife and do whatever she needs from me to support our kids. I'm struggling so much to take that final step and leave. I want to say to any man who is lucky enough to be in a loving relationship to never be unfaithful. I did it once 17 years ago and I've learned that the pain and distrust that I caused never goes away and never heals.
My Dad was emotionally abusive. My wife told me that when she sees me, she sees my Dad. His Dad was like that too and I really thought that I would be the generation who broke that cycle. I'm ashamed to admit that I've been emotionally abusive too and I destroyed the love she once had for me. I should have stayed on my own and not tried to have a relationship and kids. Knowing that if I leave, my kids will be protected from any chance of the same behaviour passing on to them can maybe give me the push I need to do the right thing. I trust her totally to be a wonderful parent to both of them and in my heart I know their lives will be better without me staying.