MIL's behaviour: strange or not?

[sugarsinner]

I come from a family of quite rational people who don't have high expectations of me, they're happy to see me when they do and are happy for me to go when I'm ready.

MIL isn't like this at all.
She is extremely over bearing and after asking her to keep a bit of distance between her and DS and I, she has treated me very coldly eber since. This is fine. Whatever.
What I find completely bizarre is the way she then acts around DS when she sees him. When we visited this week, she was waiting in the drive way for us and scrambled to the car, yanked open the door and shrieked "oh, he's here, MY baby!"
It was all a little strange and over the top. We only live a mile away from her and she sees DS every couple of weeks for a good few hours at a time, so hardly like she ever sees him.
She obsesses over DS all the time, wants to know everything he's doing, what he's eating, thinks she hears him when she's walking down the street and is always disappointed to see it's another child. It's like she thinks I've stolen HER baby or something. It's weird.
She's even been talking of building another house on her land and has mentioned us moving in to it (not a chance.) She buys DS things and never gives them to us, but leaves them at her own house such as bedding etc. I find it a bit creepy tbh. I've mentioned it to DH who thinks her behaviour is 'sweet.'
Is it sweet or just plain strange?

I agree with janeymoo and NeedsAsock.
Since when has controlling behaviour been sweet?
Trust your feelings and instincts.

Wow, your second post puts her in the weird camp big time. Smile and be very, very firm but kind. After watching DSM attempting control and undermining my DSS with her children I got in early thank goodness. She still has an opinion on everything, but I don't let it matter.

Very strange.

Strange. There is being loving & then there is being obsessive.

"I just worry she has some strange obsession and wants to control everything, the way she controlled and still controls DH".

You are right to be worried; she now wants to do the same with your child. Your DH just calls her "sweet" because to him this is normal behaviour, after all he has grown up with his mother's conditioning.

Her behaviour is not acceptable. Controlling behaviour like you have described is not acceptable and is certainly neither sweet or devoted. She has and will do her level best to undermine you both as parents; she wants that parental role now with your child. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different.

I would further cut down on the amount of time your son actually spends with her; hours on end is further fuelling her obsession with him. Ultimately you may have to cease all contact with her due to her obsessive behaviour.

I see her behaviour towards your child as sweet but with the backstory not so much...

However, you can get things back on track just keep in mind the other stuff and if your DH hasn't done it, you do it, eg pull her up if she criticises... That's what I'd do anyway.

The house in itself is a kind idea, maybe she'd revisit that for her grandson when he's older if he needs a helping hand or wants to move nearer.

You could quite easily (I think) turn it round so it benefits your DS. But you do need to keep an eye on it.

I would quite firmly (or get your DH To do it) have a word and say you're not keen on her being cold towards you and you'd prefer her not to be that way. You could even tell her it could affect her relationship with her DGS if she carries on being nasty towards you. Then if after this talk it doesn't work then limit contact. Anyway that's the tack I'd take, sometimes it works.

The earlier controlling behaviour is bad, but most grandmothers would want to see their gc more often. I don't have any, but my sis sees hers about 3 times a week, (but only when invited or asked if they can visit). She has full sets of 'stuff' for them at her house, which stays at hers, so it's convenient. She's probably hoping to see more of your ds. As mums with kids who have grown and flown, we know how quickly the early years pass. Maybe more, but shorter visits might do the trick?

OP I could have written this. To the outside world my MIL is sweet, kind and attentive. When in fact she is intrusive and jealous.

attila hits the nail on the head.

Trust your gut instinct and don't be afraid to call her out on her behaviour.

Be prepared though for the opposite extreme and get the kill-you-with-kindness guff I now get

DS is 13months old, so never stays at her house. For me personally, he's far too young and I'm not ready.

Well you missed out a lot there in your first comments! Has she learned by her mistakes from when your child was born? If so, I'd be a bit more tolerant.

The family dynamic baffles me where DH's family are concerned. I was pre-warned by DH, FIL and BIL before DS was born to speak up if she became over-bearing. They were all aware of what would potentially happen. So I did. And now they all make excuses for her behaviour, they tell me to laugh about it and shrug it off like they do, it's just the way she is/ she means so harm/ she only has good intentions. They are all very aware but very accepting of her intrusive behaviour... it's really weird.
They tell me to just accept and ignore it too... but I don't know, I just feel very uneasy about her when around DS. I feel like there's a motive to all she does. DH says her only motives are good ones. Can't help wondering if I'm missing something here...

You're not missing sth. You've caught a strong whiff of it and are wary. Trust your gut instinct. He's your child not hers. I don't get gps who muscle in on their children's children. Sweet my arse - they're controlling and possibly wanto make up for being shitty parents the first time around. But with someone else's baby. Weird. She should get a life and back off. Stand firm.

They are all very aware but very accepting of her intrusive behaviour... it's really weird. They tell me to just accept and ignore it too.

And that's the giveaway right there of dysfunction. "She is who she is and we've exempted her from normal social boundaries (why? what did she do to get that to happen?) so just let your boundaries go too just like we do and give her the white card to behave however she likes. Btw any feelings about this are your problem. There can't be any negotiation about this, that's mum."

er...................

Basically that acknowledges that she has the power in the family and it can't be questioned. Yes much of it will look sweet and innocent and well intentioned to everyone else.

Try having a look at this page and scan down to the paragraph on emotional boundaries: you may recognise a few of these. The site looks at what is going on on both sides when a parent and adult child's (and/or adult child's partner's) relationship breaks down.

www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/dysfunctional-beliefs.html

She sounds wierd, turning up unannounced, criticising your parenting
I would distance yourself from her, maybe just see her once a month
She is not a normal MIL no way

I would recommend staying polite and staying calm in your interactions with her but establishing very firm boundaries.

Your DS is your son, you get to be in charge and make all the decisions.

I'd also make sure that you don't give any info (financial or otherwise) which she doesn't need to know.

She sounds controlling
I can't believe some people think her behaviour is sweet!
Really? Well they dont have to deal with her

The bit about "thinking she hears him in the street etc" is beyond odd too.

I suggest having a read of Toxic In-Laws for some advice on how to detach yourself and DS from this woman.

Every time she refers to DS as my baby I would correct her - it's really weird.

In what ways does she still control DH? How badly enmeshed is he? If you chose to marry and have children with a mummys boy then I am afraid you will have to take some of this on the chin

I would distance myself physically and emotionally. You say she wants to know all this detail about DS - how is she getting that info? I wouldn't answer her calls, let DH deal with it all. You may find he finds her behaviour less "sweet" if it's him dealing with it all the time. See her less often and for shorter periods. You have new mummy and baby friends you have to see, clubs to take DS to etc etc

If all else fails, move far, far away. Not joking.

when he gets older he will rebel my ex mil tries to undermine me he tells her in no uncertain terms and has done for awhile now (he has just turned seven) the worst was when she claimed she was a better cook than me and he erupted at her told her she could never feed his baby brother again because she kept making him ill

im worried about becoming a mil if i do something wrong will my son ever tell me or will sticking up for mom become a lifelong habit?

Every time she refers to DS as my baby I would correct her - it's really weird. Yes that will really make a great relationship between the two of you.

What is weird about that, you are really overthinking this, she loves the baby clearly and can't wait to see it. Do you post about this MIL quite often. Actually analyzing everything she says is weird.

Btw when I come into the house, the first thing I say is, "where is my baby". I am speaking to my daughters dog and I'm certainly not trying to take it from her.