Any words of advice? I am off to the police station tomorrow to report my husband

[positivo]

I am living with my soon to be ex husband. He has been emotionally abusive for years - it's taken me a long time to realise and a long time to pluck up the courage to divorce him. We are still in the same house with our two teenage children. I AM getting stronger and handling the abuse better BUT this means he is now escalating the abuse to higher levels and pushing me to my limits. My counsellor, close friends and my solicitor have all advised that I need to talk to the police as his behaviour is simply at unacceptable levels. Today I plucked up the courage, rang the non emergency number, burst into tears and they were lovely. The next stage is to meet with an officer to discuss my situation, it's all being kept confidential and I am going to a station rather than meeting at home (he bobs back throughout the day if I don't answer the home phone to check up on me)

TBH - I am shaking even now. I am really scared, this is a BIG step for me to even admit that I should get the police involved. Those friends have said thank God and about time but that's all very well but I am the one living it right now.

Does anyone have any experience of this situation with the police etc..? He has never hit me nor threatened to but the psychological abuse is getting worse that one day that may change. He's even started on our daughter now who is 16.
Any kind words of advice are really welcome.

Thanks xx

[positivo]

tbtc20 - you're right - so did I, oh that's just him 'Victor meldrew' eh laugh haha! PLain denial is what I've come to realise it is. My counsellor calls it self preservation. How far along are you in your 'escape'?

I hadn't appreciated quite how big a step I took yesterday and it's really unbalanced me and I'm shocked. I've been so strong recently too. I've lost some lovely family members on his side but then again they can't be that lovely can they? Not heard a dickie bird...from any of them.

[positivo]

tbtc20 - I couldn't find the post you referred to yesterday either?

[tbtc20]

OK...I take it back, I see my thread, it's just that people are replying to other ones so mine moved down pretty quickly.

Well, that makes me feel sad. I'll phone women's aid tomorrow.

[tbtc20]

It's "EA relationship - taking the next scary step". Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread.

My escape started a year ago, but really kicked into action in Sept. It's truly dreadful. I knew it would be and it's why I haven't done it before now.

The decree nisi has been filed, but really that's more administrative (though it took months and months to get there). I have just completed the financial declaration. Am pretty sure we'll be waiting a while for his. THEN we need to sort out residency, and TBH I just can't think about that.

[positivo]

Just left a hug for you! TBTC20 my nisi is about to arrive thank god, the abuse is bad and I mentioned it to the mediator but we are hopefully going to have our final -tricky session in two weeks.

I'm off to bed I'm exhausted and behind on projects due to a large lack of concentration today.

Take care.

[tbtc20]

He hasn't even been to his introductory mediation session yet.

I won't go with him to a joint one, not unless I get a lot of reassurance from them that he is willing to talk about the issue (the children) and not sit there and blame me for everything.

Sleep well x

[TheExMotherInLaw]

OP, I do believe the standard advice here is to ensure he can't find this conversation via any auto login, etc. Do please be careful!

[amarmai]

good work,op. It was hard to do but it wd be harder if you hadn't. Why listen to his shit on the phone- go for a walk or to the store. Your cc will learn a good lesson from your courage= to stand up for themselves and stay clear of abusers.

[positivo]

Thank you. I use incognito browsing. My PC and phone etc are locked and password protected. I carry all legal docs, diaries etc with at all times. I'm still up. Can't sleep despite being so damn exhausted. I can't cry too loudly my dd is sleeping in my room. I know it gets better but this all so bloody awful....

[goddessofsmallthings]

Is no police action being taken against him? Have you been advised to seek occupation and non-mol orders, positivo?

If his abuse is such that you have occasion to feel threatened or intimidated call 999 and he'll be out of your home so fast his feet won't touch the ground.

[Ginkypig]

Just remember it is temporarily awful! You'll look back on this once your in your fabulous FREE new life and think to yourself it was worth every second of awful to be where I am now with my happy children and my

Keep strong your so very close my darling!

[positivo]

Thx again. It's a tricky one re calling police. No one except two friends know that's where I've been. Police won't take action as it puts us in major danger with no safe resolution. I'm being really vigilant. Interestingly on my report (I distilled all my diary entries into a list of incidents and notes) I mentioned that our dog was acting strangely. The officer was really concerned. EAs quite often begin by physically abusing a family pet by lashing out before they eventually move on to you. I'm having a friend who is a vet check the dog out now just in case. I can't move out and he won't go. So i need to stick this one out. I have programmed 999 onto speed dial though

[goddessofsmallthings]

Police won't take action as it puts us in major danger with no safe resolution

I don't understand this. Are you saying that if you call 999 the police won't take any action against your h?

What 'major danger' would your h present if he's in police custody and what reason is there to suppose that a twunt man who has confined himself to inflicting emotional abuse on you and the dc for years would up his game and become violent towards you?

[positivo]

They can't keep him in custody forever. His E A is escalating. As we are divorcing he doesn't care about subtlety anymore. So as I get stronger he ups his game. Eventually it could turn physical. A lot of EA can. The biggest mistake sufferers of EA make is thinking that physical abuse won't happen to them.

[Redglitter]

No they can't keep him in custody forever but they can have bail.conditions set that he can't go near you or your home. In 26 years with the police I've never heard the idea of the police not taking action the way you've described. It goes against everything our force (for one) promotes when it.comes to DV

[goddessofsmallthings]

If they are, indeed, waiting to see if he 'turns physical' it seems to me that the police have placed you and your dc in major danger, positivo, and it would appear that your regional authority is not acting in accordance with national police guidelines.

Have you been in contact with Women's Aid or were you advised by the police to make contact so that you can benefit from a support worker? //www.womensaid.org.uk

As Redglitter has said, if your h is arrested or charged with, or bailed on suspicion of, committing an offence against you or accepts a caution, you/your solicitor can make an ex parte application for occupation and non-molestation orders which will keep him out of your home and prohibit him coming within a proscribed distance of you and the dc.

If he should be found to be in breach of an injunction of this kind he'll be liable to arrest by the police.

This long report is worth reading: //www.justiceinspectorates.gov.uk/hmic/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/improving-the-police-response-to-domestic-abuse.pdf

[goddessofsmallthings]

and my solicitor have all advised that I need to talk to the police as his behaviour is simply at unacceptable levels

It occurs to me that if your solicitor has advised you to talk to the police because your h's behaviour is at 'unacceptable levels', it's probable that s/he has more than sufficient cause to apply for injunctions that will protect you and the dc now.

I trust you have been advised that you can opt out of attending mediation with an abusive spouse?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Duh! What I've stated at 02.23 isn't what Redglitter said but it follows on from their correct assertion that bail conditions can be set by the police to protect victims of crimes such as domestic abuse and violence.

[Italiangreyhound]

No advise, just massive admiration for you. You go girl!

[positivo]

Sorry. I'm giving the wrong impression here. The police are being brilliant. I have stated very clearly to them that he is not to be contacted. He has n't committed a breach of peace etc.. I am continuing with mediation as we are in final stages and about to agree a settlement, otherwise this whole thing will drag on. I'm biding my time BUT if I thought we were in deep peril I would leave. Perhaps I should but I don't feel it's right just yet. I am listening and acting upon advice. I've done and achieved more than I ever thought myself capable of and it's really really hard. Just admitting officially that this really happening has been hard. Just now I've had my ds crying on my bed and refusing to go to school. Thank you for your advice and kind words.

[positivo]

Great just great - stbxh started a financial argument yesterday morning - I am sooo worn down by all this and so tired trying to keep two jobs down and working til midnight every night including weekends just to try and keep myself going. he threatened to pull the plug on our last mediation appointment etc etc... on and on - I asked him to stop and he wouldn't. This is after a previous session in which I was called a 'vitriolic little woman' - I shared this titbit on facebook as people just don't see this side of me and he unfriended me! (I had him as an acquaintance more to keep an eye on him) Anyway - after my visit to the police they assured me that I could call them if I felt threatened. As he was sitting as close as he could to me at the kitchen table calmly telling me he'd ruin everyhting i asked him to stop and he carried on, i said I would ring the police and he carried on so I did. Well, that was a complete humiliating experience. I'd been reassured that their response would be fast (20 minutes) and understanding - I was worried they would believe him and not me, 'no we're used to the husband being a charmer - we understand'. Bollocks. I had a half sympathetic ear from one pc, the other one who was in the house with stbxh apparantly told him 'he'd done nothing wrong' and 'not to worry' he then came out and gave me a message from stbxh repeating the threat of stopping mediation!!!! and other choice titbits. this pc was in his late 50's and clearly 'old school' won't call them again in a hurry. I feel so stupid and let down. Now he's got an even bigger battering ram to hit me with verbally.

[CityMole]

Were you given a dedicated case officer in the dv unit when you went in to make your statement last month? If so, I would call them today for a chat and to complain that you feel let down and that their visit last night was not well handled. Don't lose faith in the process. You're doing so well at getting this terrible person out of your life.

How are the DCs and the dog faring? And you are you? You sound exhausted, understandably.

[positivo]

Hi CityMole
Thank you. I wasn't assigned a 'dedicated' DV officer just a pc who seemed v sympathetic and understanding unlike yesterdays pair. I have made 4 phone calls so far and someone has returned my call which i was unable to answer and since then nothing. I have just gone for a nap - we have two viewings on the house today so stbxh came back this morning (after staying at one of his numerous girlfriends' houses last night) and did some tidying up after my tidying up of course!- he normally does the weekly shop but hasn't bothered (btw I do do the shop but he usually complains that I haven't bought enough/the right things etc so he says he'll do it - so this is all more 'punishment' for yesterday) He asked me to paint a patch yesterday which I did and mentioned that I'd done that this morning to him - he simply ignored me and when I asked if he was talking to me - he walked away and said nothing - so this is also more 'punishment' but actually it's a relief for me if he keeps quiet.

The kids? God where do I start? DD is still sleeping in my room, and has now seen a clinical psychologist who has diagnosed clinical depression - she's 16 and such a wonderful girl, this is awful...DS is trying to be the peacekeeper - I'm getting lots of cuddles, cups of tea and kindness from him at the moment but as he's 13 that can change in the blink of an eye. I'm trying to get him to talk to someone at school (special counsellor) but it's tricky and I want him to want to go and not force him but he needs help too. The dog (I read farting at first! LOL!) is OK ish - still very skitty and down not sure if he is being mistreated or just sensitive to the household atmosphere....just about to start some of the work i'm behind on (I'm freeelance) so hopefully focusing on it will help.