DH asked for divorce then changed mind 2 days later

[Alphyn]

Long backstory, not sure where to begin but here goes: DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 8. Have 2 DC under 4. The past few years have been somewhat difficult looking after DC although things are improving over time. DH is great with the kids and usually does more of the household chores since he is more tidy and I've been working long hours the past year.

We had some arguments in Dec and a long conversation about whether our relationship has a future or if we're just staying together for the kids. DH has ED and the GP he (finally) saw didn't want to prescribe anything and DH has been reluctant to see another GP so our sex life is almost non-existent and I've given up trying to initiate since he feels pressured.

Also I think DH has been at the very least flirting with female colleagues over the years (seen various texts, eg I missed you last night but many happy memories kept me company). When challenged, DH has denied, promised to maintain better boundaries, claimed colleague is a flirt and promised not to delete texts to prove that he has stopped. However, I occasionally check his phone and have noticed that he has been deleting texts from another female colleague recently. When challenged, he said that he has the right to a private life (eg. he wants to be able to vent without me seeing what he's said) and has been defensive.

Anyway, after a recent episode, we had another talk about why we're still together. I said I wanted to make it work but the following day he called me to say he wanted to split up and let's talk when he got home the next day (DH does shift work so is not home some nights). He said he still loves me and cares about me but the only reason he would be staying is for the kids. He felt that he had been doing so much for me and still I wasn't happy with him and he had nothing left to give. On the other hand, I feel we barely talk about stuff other than the kids / practicalities and he has such lively text banter with his female friends.

We sat down to discuss finances, childcare, etc. Initially he said he was thinking of divorce instead of separation. I suggested how we would divide assets (I manage all our finances) and custody but when asked his opinion, he said he was unsure and seemed daunted by it all (he hadn't thought about how it would work). He then asked for more time to think about it (eg temporary separation) and left for the night.

The next day, when I came home, he said he wanted to try to make it work but I suspect in his mind that means me trying harder, having more date nights and sorting out his ED. He won't promise to stop deleting his texts and in my mind, he hasn't even acknowledged the turmoil he has created over the past few days. I was actually making plans for my life post-split and I don't 100% trust him anyway despite his assurances.

I just have so many questions in my mind really. Is he / are we having a mid-life crisis? AIBU to check his phone? Did he cheat on me? Why did he change his mind?

Good luck in planning your new life without him

I agree I think he had his eye on some one else but when you started to talk details it hit him that he could be significantly worse off - you're the main earner so perhaps couldn't keep up his lifestyle plus having to pay cm. So he suddenly decided to stay together which is suspect is as you described with him carrying on in the same fashion and you shutting up about it.

The lack of intimacy between you has changed your relationship from lovers to parents who share a house. Sex is the glue that sticks a couple together, without it, things fall apart. Of course there are couples where sex is simply not possible through Illhealth but in these circumstances it's not a 'unilateral ' decision not to make love to your partner. The rejection felt by the spouse in these situations is incredibly corrosive to a relationship and is probably why you now seem so detached about the ending of your marriage. It is extremely unusual for a GP to refuse ED medication. Firstly, the cost to the NHS is very low, secondly because doctors are only too well aware of the devastating effect the loss of a sex life has on a marriage. There are a few very rare medical reasons not to prescribe. What reason did they give ? If it was just the GP having his own weird (non medical) reason, then your dh can go to a chemist in the UK and buy it over the counter.
I think it is highly unlikely that a man with ED is having an affair. Most men have ego's. If they cannot perform in bed, then an affair isn't even going to get out of the starting blocks.

Snooping on his phone is not on. I would be so hacked off if my dh did it to me. It's a gross invasion of privacy no matter how you justify it.
If you both want to make your marriage work, then the sex issues need sorting. That is where both your focus should be.
Sadly OP it sounds like you have given up caring either way.**

Work on yourself , work out why you put up with him , kick him out . He's a drain and and user

So his lordship has had second thoughts so now all your plans have to change?

No wonder he's got cold feet - he's got it made with you. You are the main breadwinner and he has a nicer life than he could pay for himself and when that came home to him in your discussion about finances, he decided maybe he didn't want to give up his easy, comfortable life. Also, he is allowed to what he terms a "private life" which basically means flirting (and more) with other women - it's called having his cake and eating it and you are the one paying the price in every way.

Tell him you've made his mind up for him and ask him to leave.

Also, I think what Ginger said also has a ring of truth - his replacement meal ticket wife has fallen through and he is delaying until he can replace his replacement.

XH used threats of splitting up, not because he actually had any intention of leaving dammit but because he knew I would get upset and beg and try harder to keep it all together. Eventually the button wore out and I agreed that divorce was the sensible way forward. He got the shock of his life when I actually started proceedings. Mind you I'm sure he didn't have anyone on the side, so it may be quite irrelevant to what yours is up to.

Alphyn, if I had known of MN 19 years ago I could have written your exact post.

I was stupid enough to let my 'D'H stay. I later found (through phone snooping and eventually hiring a private detective) that he had one 'friendship' lasting 5 years, another for 2/3 years and another that he will call an 'affair' that he left me for - all at the same time!

Even after finding all of this I did not leave. He was a good dad to our 2 DC and our life was generally OK - apart from the ED, which he would not go to the GP about.

After 23 years of marriage, I am about to leave. I wish I had done it years ago but I was not strong enough. Counselling has helped me.

Think about your future, please. You are worth so much more than he is giving you.

Thanks for all your responses, it is useful to get other viewpoints. I have not even told my family he brought up the subject of divorce and don't have any close friends I could share with. I did introduce the subject with the kids (in very general terms, "sometimes mummies and daddies live in different houses") the same day he called to split up and they said "that's sad". Otherwise been keeping it all in. So much to process.

Is it possible he had a replacement lined up (or someone to stay with) and it fell through, so he's decided to stay until something "better" comes along?

THIS.

My ex-h did this, it's utterly evil IMO, particularly to the children. He is having his cake and eating it. Don't let him OP, you deserve better than this. Prepare yourself for the fact that you might never know the truth and also that there are some truths that you wish you didn't know. Good luck

He thought we might still take the kids out together on weekends and jointly own property after splitting up.

But I manage all the finances and it's not like he's spending any on hypothetical OW. I just don't get it.

I think it's very telling that the GP wouldn't prescribe Sildanafil (sp?)
Most likely because he doesn't suffer ED under all circumstances......

Why does he want to jointly own property ?you earn more than him ? He's using you .

Ha. OP, that sounds like he wants the financial benefits and the "aren't I a good father we're going out with the kids" picture to present to the everyone, without actually being with you. In other words, he wants to pick and choose - keep the good bits, but sleep with someone else.

Is that really what you want? Stop worrying about what he wants, because what he wants will be grossly unfair to you! What do YOU want??

Go and see a lawyer to see what your position might be if you were to split up, about the children, finances and so on. Then, if he changes his mind again you'll have a clearer idea of the practicalities - and also if you decide, actually, I really don't want to keep dealing with all his BS.

If you do both want to stay, then I think I would want to get some sort of couples therapy together. But I agree with those who say he wants to pick and choose the best bits and go elsewhere for the rest, like sex. Lovely for him, but what about you? You deserve to be treated with respect, whatever happens, and I am not sure he's doing that currently.

What do you want? Imagine your life in 10 years time, how does it look?

It sounds like he wants a divorce but can't be bothered with the reality of how much hassle it is and the financial implications for him. He will change his mind when one of his affairs gets serious. I would take from those texts that he's had an affair with someone else. He's certainly been trying to, and he sounds like he think he's entitled to do so and you should just ignore/accept that. I think you'd be much happier rid of him tbh.

You don't have a marriage I'm afraid . He wants to keep the properties jointly because it gives him financial long term security . When he finally finds I new women to take him on , he'll leave you and take half of everything you've worked hard to pay for . This could be in 5 , 10 , 15 years . Your on to him now his motives are clear ..leave now you are financially able to. He's clearly sniffing around other women and has been for ages .

So he wanted a divorce until YOU told him what he will half the house/assets, and having to share bringing up HIS children and then all of the sudden HE doesn't want a divorce. I wonder why.

It's not that he doesn't want a divorce it's more that he doesn't want to lose his life.

You need to decide if you are happy to be second best for the rest of you life because he will not change.

OP, I stayed for another 8 years after divorce was discussed (and an admitted affair) and as far as I am concerned it wasted 8 years of my life.

Like you I was the main breadwinner. Over the 8 years occasionally he would get drunk and tell me what I now know to be the truth (although he always denied it when sober) ie that he was only staying for financial reasons.

I now feel that he never really saw our marriage as continuing until we were old, it just suited him to string me along for a few more years until he felt more able to leave. Please don't be me.

OP in the event that he is having an affair, he will not admit it until faced with rock solid evidence. In my case, I had rock solid evidence but at the start of the conversation, I did not tell him this. I asked him directly whether he was having an affair with [specifically named colleague]. He denied it. So I got the proof out and he could deny it no more. Some will still deny it even once the proof is on the table.

It is bloody hard to get such evidence and in my case, I only got it because one of his other work colleagues told me. You can't hold off until you find evidence - if you really need evidence, I think you'd have to employ a private investigator to follow him.

What a fool I was - we went out for dinner last night and talked about things. Ended up reconciling and agreeing on how we would both work on our relationship. He agreed to stop trying to cover up his texts and promised that he had been 100% honest when I pushed him to disclose. This morning I checked his phone which he was not glued to for once. Discovered lots of attempts to cover up stuff and eventually found solid evidence. Confronted him and he confessed but wouldn't say who it was (claims it lasted from Oct to last week and he ended it because it wasn't working out and there was nobody before her). And last year was difficult for him and anyway I've been accusing him of stuff for years. Can't believe what a bare-faced liar he has been.

So what are you going to do about it?

Awww bless him. So it was your fault his dick found its way into another woman's vagina was it?

How very predictable of men like this.

Sweetheart, prepare yourself now for the next stage of The Script. He'll probably "have made a terrible mistake" "she meant nothing" "he loves you and only you, but y'know, you're just so very demanding"

If it's true, that the relationship ended this week, then I think we are crosscheck and referencing what was said upthread by more than one of us....he aimed to move in with the OW, he told you he wanted a divorce, OW said "fuck that you saddo, I only wanted a shag", he "changed his mind" about the divorce...and in his own sad little mind, that is him finishing with the OW because it wasn't working out.

and strength coming your way. xxx

Well he's dumped by the two of you now. He wasn't expecting that was he?