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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Too close for comfort?

12 replies

elizmummy · 21/12/2006 19:47

DP and I live 100 miles apart. I was rather hoping that he would eventually relocate to my area as my DS & DD are both very happy at their primary school. He, on the other hand has no ties as such (no children at least) We have discussed it at length and I thought we were in agreement. However, recently his mum and dad have moved house and now live a two minute walk from DP's house. Today I received a Christmas card from DP's parents, with a note enclosed to tell me how lucky they now are to be living so close to DP and that they will be able to see him every day!! I have told him about the note and asked whether it will make it difficult for him to move away. He said he was worried now, to break the news to his parents as they will be upset and admitted to being a 'mum's boy' (his words!) How should I handle this? I really do think the world of his m&d but am unsure where DP's priorities should be. He's 41 btw and was previously married for 20 yrs (6 of those years he and his wife lived WITH his parents!)

OP posts:

Glassofwine · 21/12/2006 19:55

I think I'd be quite cross with him as he's obviously led them to believe that he's planning to stick around. He should have discussed it with them before they moved. It's put you in a very difficult situation. Whats you relationship with his parents like?

RantInEMinor · 21/12/2006 19:59

gawd 'elp us. It doesn't sound good does it. Are you really committed to pursuing a long term relationship with him? From what you have said, if you ever get him to move in with you, you might find yourself with another ds rather than a dh. Sorry to be so frank but I wonder if you really need the aggro from this. He might end up resenting you for putting pressure on him to leave is mum and dad, they might end of seeing you as the baddie. I don't know, if you love him go for it, give him an ultimatum and see what happens.

RantInEMinor · 21/12/2006 20:00

end "up" not "of". BTW DP's priorities should be with you if you and he want to pursue a relationship together.

LIZS · 21/12/2006 20:02

Presumably he knew they were moving close to him so had the opportunity before now to suggest to them that he may not stay there long term. Sorry but it is n't really your place to break it to them but his and if he can't/won't then you may have to think about whether you would be prepared to move there instead or if perhaps he is happier to keep you at a distance and what that might mean.

Original poster

elizmummy · 21/12/2006 20:52

We have discussed all permutations of us moving up there, him moving down here and agreed that he is infinitely more portable but maybe now, not so willing. He did ask me to be present when breaking the news to his parents but I felt they might hold back with their true opinion if I was with him. My relationship with them is extremely good, they are very kind, which makes it more difficult!

I am cross that he cannot sort his priorities and have suggested to him I might end up with another DS rather than a strong, supportive DP. I have also pointed out that, if he's feeling pressurised, it will cause resentment for him.

I think also, if we were to move to be with him, we would never be free of his parents!

OP posts:

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 21/12/2006 21:38

I would be really honest that your dp, at 41, has been unable to tell his parents that he intends to move away from them. From what you've said alarm bells are ringing loudly that he may never be able to separate from them. Why the hell did he and his ex-w live with them for 6 years and why did they split up?

expatinscotland · 21/12/2006 21:42

I wouldn't approach it at all.

Why?

B/c actions speak louder than words, and his speak volumes.

I think you need to resign yourself that if you wish to stay in this relationship, it's likely it will be long-distance, and also that your partner is a package deal - he comes w/his parents.

And act accordingly.

DetentionGrrrl · 21/12/2006 21:45

Is it possible that they don't want him to move and are playing mind games with you? It seems an odd thing to put in a note to you, in my opinion.

sorkycake · 21/12/2006 21:47

Hmmm, I was just thinking the same DGrrl

Bekks · 22/12/2006 08:16

I moved over 100 to be with the dad of dd - it's a difficult thing to do as an adult, it's taken me 3 or 4 years to feel settled, so it's natural that he might be feeling a bit apprehensive about it, including telling his parents (an alternative interpretation could be that he has strong family values and wants to maintain them and take care of his parents, which would be a good thing). I also suspect that they are acting independently of him in sending the note because they don't want to lose him - again I think this is natural. Can you start to discuss some specifics for the things that he might need to do (e.g. tell parents, find work, do whatever he needs to do about his housing etc.) and set timescales for them to make it more real and then you can measure his intentions by his actions? You can also think about what you can offer his parents in terms of reciprocal visits or holidays etc. to soften the blow and to indicate that you have considered them in your plans?

HowTheFillyjonkStoleChristmas · 22/12/2006 08:25

is he your dc's dad?

I'm not quite sure whats going on if so...he can't tear himself from his parents to live with his own kids?

fizzbuzz · 22/12/2006 08:35

Hmmm have been in this situation, and it was very hard with no easy answers. It took a year to sort out and we had counselling about it!

He may be worried about telling his parents as he may feel disloyal to them, irrespective of his feelings to you, it is a very difficult situation to be in. Also I guess his parents may be elderly, do they rely on him?

It was a very difficult situation for us, and took a lot of resolving, I think the hardest thing to understand is how you feel torn between 2 loyalties.

Dp lived next door to his parents for 15 years, but he moved to me. In the end it came down to jobs. he worked from home and i had to travel to work.

How long have you been seeing him?

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