WWYD? Sick adult child and parental help

[Corygal1]

I'm asking for as many thoughts as poss, please do let me know what you think if you have time.

Scenario: single woman (no kids) aged 42 has just been diagnosed with emphysema/COPD, which kills you. Turns out the disease was triggered by unsafe, mouldy housing - she's renting in Reading, which is damn near as pricy as London, so difficult to move on one income. Also smokes & giving up.

Parents, 80s, have vast 2 million house by the Thames and cash reserves. Parents' days in large house are numbered as they are getting too frail to stay living there. They refuse to admit this.

They've also refused to help rehouse the sick daughter. What do you think? WWYD?

Any chance she could flat-share with you OP? If she can't work, even part-time, she would get some housing contribution surely?

There isn't much of a backstory but I do know the parents are tight.

I don't live in a multi-occupation flat, Alice. Neither is it in Reading, where her life is.

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'She's 42. Why should her parents house her for free?'

Because she's sick.

It's hard to say why the parents won't help out, without knowing all the back stories.

I'd like to think I would help out my adult DS if he needed me. But all families have differing things going on.

She's 42. Why should her parents house her for free?

What a cold, horrible attitude. Maybe because that's her parents? And they can afford to. Would you not want to help your own child if you could?

I'm not sure DD wants to become a carer to the old couple

All the people in this scenario are going to need help/make changes in the next few years, so this isn't straightforward.

Presumably she is an only child? If so I wonder if the parents are scared of a future where they are caring for her while they themselves are getting old.

The only thing I can suggest is that your friend makes giving up smoking a top priority, and maybe speaks to her parents after she has successfully quit for six months about getting some help to move to somewhere healthier.

I'm not sure there is anything that you can do.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, the parents seem to not want/have not considered doing what most parents would do ie. help their daughter by either welcoming her back home with open arms or financing somewhere better for her to live.

The only thing would be for the daughter to ask them outright to help her but I'm not sure how they would react from what you've said about them.

I have a heavy smoking friend who smokes. 38 with COPD.
The damp and mould won't help either.
Can she move in with parents?
Who is the landlord? They need to be contacted and asked for help addressing damp problem.

I think there's a massive backstory, as a pp suggested. The fact she's blaming other things than her smoking for her condition makes it seem as though she's not the most honest or realistic person.
Without knowing the whole story we can't say if, as you seem to be saying, the parents are being selfish.

And if she's prioritising spending money on smoking rather than paying to live somewhere better then that's is her choice.

Agree if she cannot see how damaging smoking is with COPD her other thinking may also be quite disordered.As for her parents - to be honest its their money and they perhaps feel they cannot rely on her for care in thier frialer years so need to be caeeful with thier money. She may be ill but they are old.

Thing is, the friend doesn't want to be carer to the parents either.

OP, you say the parents want £100 pw rent. Maybe if your friend wants to move in, she could try to make an alternative offer? If she's ill with COPD I imagine housework is out of the question for now but maybe she can think of something she can do/offer in return, and offer to make it a time limited thing until she gets better/saves up for a deposit for a better place to live.

If she's serious and reasonable, they might consider it, or they might at least see how desperate the situation is and rethink helping her out with some cash to move.

My experience of older people is that they can get very panicky about money, even if they have 'loads', so be gentle.

Could you friend apply for ESA or PIP? She would be able to get Housing Benefit if she's on ESA.

You're right, she can't get Housing Benefit to pay rent to family, but PIP may give her enough to pay the rent to her parents. The medical assessment can be tough though.

Have a look at citizensadvice.org.uk and search under Benefits.

i think that's disgusting. If you have the means but won't help your own sick child, you're bloody mean.

i rather agree - i think the smoking is a red herring, because she's giving up - I know it's always nice and simple to blame the victim, but in this case i would suggest she needs support.

It's not a red herring. It's the CAUSE.

"Giving up" my arse. Most folk hearing that news would quit on the spot. And yes I do know how 'difficult' it is as in have stopped myself.

I know someone with COPD who has just carried on smoking. For some people giving up is much harder.
Anyway, OP I suggest your friend contacts Shelter. They are excellent and should help her out of the damp environment. Causal or not, it won't be helping.

is she giving up or going to give up?

For me as a parent yes I would expect to help however.. you think there is no back story doesn't mean there isn't

If she's unable to work, she must apply for whatever-they-call-Incapacity-Benefit-now, and also see if she is eligible for PIP: as PP have said, she will be eligible for housing benefit, and can look into moving, using her savings from cigarettes for deposit.

She should also take the mould up with the LL - if it's bad enough to give her COPD, then presumably there is a legal case there? She should also call the council about it - environmental health - as they can and will force LL to act.

You said her life is in Reading in a PP, so presumably that's also where her parents live. Don't forget that it's virtually impossible to know the truth of someone else's finances (or marriage, for that matter!) so you don't know for certain that they have plenty of disposable income - plenty of elderly people are asset rich and cash poor, especially those with large or old homes. Also - sadly - the only person you can always rely on is yourself: whilst it would be nice for her parents to take her in, they aren't actually obliged to, whether for free or for rent. Don't forget that often people get irrationally nervous over their money as they get older, fearing that they will "run out" - or there may be dynamics you're not aware of: you know what your friend has told you, but it's possible that her parents' view of things is different.

has she been ill for some time, and isnt working? Because as others say, COPD may kill her (it may not) it can be managed, especially if she now has a diagnosis. Does she need to stay in Reading for work, and does she not have a deposit from the house she is in that she could use towards a new place?
If the parents converted a self contained area in the house/had an annexe then she would be able to rent from them, she just cant move in with them and pay rent.
What would she like to do? Just move in for free? Does she want them to look after her? That seems a little steep if she doesnt want to look after them?

No victim blaming because I know how hard it is to quit smoking, I was a carer for a 44 yr old woman who died from copd/emphysema and had it for many years before, so she is definitely not too young to get it from smoking i'm afraid.
It is odd the parents won't help her, maybe its just the way the are/don't realise how ill she is.
In any case I would move in with them as at least her housing situation will be much better.