My husband has just sat down and told me off

[UndramaticPause]

He's sat down, told me off for being grumpy (I'm tired and unwell) and how I'm always grumpy and never pay him any attention. Then went on about me never seeing his family (they are here every week if anything he never sees mine, he last saw them way before Christmas) before stopping off up to bed. I tried to ask what brought it on and was shot down and told to listen.

I felt like I was a small child again and am totally bewildered by it all. I'm flipping between "how the fuck dare he talk to me like that" and "wtaf did that just happen?"

Fwiw he's had a few drinks tonight and clearly been stewing on something but what, I have no idea

Hi OP,
This definitely needs nipping in the bud. He does not have the right to tell you off - who is he, your dad? Especially if you are unwell. Tell him you're absolutely not having it.

How long have you been married. Do you have dcs? Do you both work?

Are you grumpy though?.

Yeah if you're grumpy then you have no right to be treated like an adult.

Of course that wasn't what I meant.

But Dh has brought how he feels to op's attention was mearly asking if she agreed with him or not.

I've been told off. It is different to having a subject 'brought up'. It is humiiating.

Maybe he's just communicating how he feels?

Would you rather he didn't tell you?

Sorry, just seen the being shot down and to,d to listen bit.

That would fuck me right off.

Well it time to think up your responses. Acknowledge whatever he's raised, counter whatever needs countering, pledge changed where appropriate, make clear that how he went about it tonight isn't right and tell him what you expect him to do in future should there be any more things he wants to raise.

So he chose a time when you are tired and ill to tell you you don't pay him enough attention?

Is he always this much of a dick?

I would guess it is something not entirely to do with you being grumpy, instead he is wound up about something else and taking it out on you. Or maybe one of his family has whinged about you, called you unfriendly or something. I am not excusing his behavior. He's being an idiot.

But what about him???!!!

All sounds very whiney to me. Needs to get his head out of his arse imo. Very unhelpfully I am not sure how you effect such a change.

He'd been drinking.. Never a good time to have a chat about what's bothering you.

Hmmm. Just read the 'Incompetent Husbands' thread, and this guy has just done exactly what that OP was advised.
Look, sounds like he's been a bit of a dick but if in general your relationship is good, then have a chat about what he said, and once you have shown you have listened ( whether you would agree with it or not) tell him how the way he spoke to you made you feel.

Every time there's a post from someone who's unhappy in their marriage the advice on here is to tell your DP how you feel.

It sounds like he chose a bad time, after he'd had a drink and you were tired and unwell, but I don't think you should ignore the message if he is generally reasonable.

You might not agree with what he said, you might think the criticism was unjustified, that's the nature of an argument really, but it doesn't change the fact that that's how he feels.

it also depends on the context. If he was plastered and shouting at you while you were dealing with a migraine or flu or vomiting then yes that would be awful. If he'd had one glass of wine and used a tone you didn't like while you were dealing with a bit of a cold then that isn't as bad IMO.

I think there is a massive difference between opening up a conversation about something that's bothering you and sitting someone down and telling them off. As hillfarmer said it's humiliating

If you are tired and unwell then it's possible that you are seeing things through grumpy eyes.

What you see as a telling off he may have seen as a good opportunity to tell you how he feels and let you both sleep on it.
What you see as being shot down he may have seen as you shooting him down and maybe he did just want to be listened to.

Does he open up very often? If not, then it probably did take a little bit of working himself up to, and I can understand not wanting to be interrupted mid flow if that is the case.

Communication is important but there's ways of going about it. He was able to say his piece last night, (perhaps fuelled by alcohol) but a monologue isn't an equal discussion. Maybe if there's something underlying this it will come out over the weekend.

Out of interest how does he cope when unwell?

Why couldn't he say it when he wasn't fueled by drink? Did he have a point even if the delivery was poor (to say the least).