Husband and his mother

[AVONUT]

Hi guys, my husband and I have an 18 month old who has been referred to a speech therapist. (He has few words). My husband basically said it was my fault because I don't do everything his mum says with regards to childcare. His mother has 25 years of experience in childcare - nursery nurse and foster work so therefore I shouldn't seek information about parenting from any other source including NHS guidance. He expects me to do everything she says. What do you think?

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Oo, hope this works...

[AVONUT]

Thanks for all ure replies and thanks preemptive for the 'circle of abuse'

I recognise the emotional abusive description. I think I should make plans......

But just out of interest when does criticising a person become abusive? Everyone makes mistakes and I've pointed out things to him - I do tell him to cut his hair when it becomes untidy and I have also pointed out items of clothing he has that aren't great. What's the dividing line?

[StrictlyMumDancing]

AVO I think there's a world of difference between 'darling, you need a haircut, its getting a bit messy' and 'you need a haircut, I refuse to be seen out with you until you get one, people will laugh at you'.

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

When someone's criticism is genuinely meant to help and is delivered in a gentle way that builds you up. It can sting, but you can always tell if someone is trying to build you up or to tear you down. It usually contains a (reasonable!!!) way to improve the situation, too.

Negative critisism - When it's delivered in a way meant to control you (as this 'advice' is, it's basically Do Everythign My Mother Tells You), or in a way that leaves you feeling very small and that You Are Wrong.

Telling you to listen to his mother over all the very highly trained paedeatricians' advice and your own instincts is just plain wrong. Telling him to cut his hair ... that's kinda normal! There's a giant difference between the two.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Strictly speaks well. There is a difference.

Technically, what constitutes abuse (esp in an employment context, but hear me out) is how it affects you and makes you feel. Some couples do have give and take that would make others hide behind the sofa, but if their dynamic is mutually agreed (and not forced on others), that's OK.

It mainly comes down to standards of reasonableness. I don't think you'll find anybody who thinks "darling, your hair needs a trim" is as bad as "I'm going to leave you in the car because you look fat and I'm going to have to beat people up".

It's not even the sane ballpark.

It's not even the outer car park of the ballpark, or the access road off the motorway to the ballpark.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

"same ballpark", not "sane ballpark" but what a Freudian typo..

[SuperFlyHigh]

It'll get worse and you have a tag team here (DH and his DM).

I'd leave to be honest. Do you really want to spend your life second guessing them both and have a barrage of criticism thrown at you every time you say/do something?!