Husband and his mother

[AVONUT]

Hi guys, my husband and I have an 18 month old who has been referred to a speech therapist. (He has few words). My husband basically said it was my fault because I don't do everything his mum says with regards to childcare. His mother has 25 years of experience in childcare - nursery nurse and foster work so therefore I shouldn't seek information about parenting from any other source including NHS guidance. He expects me to do everything she says. What do you think?

[SuperFlyHigh]

It'll get worse and you have a tag team here (DH and his DM).

I'd leave to be honest. Do you really want to spend your life second guessing them both and have a barrage of criticism thrown at you every time you say/do something?!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

"same ballpark", not "sane ballpark" but what a Freudian typo..

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Strictly speaks well. There is a difference.

Technically, what constitutes abuse (esp in an employment context, but hear me out) is how it affects you and makes you feel. Some couples do have give and take that would make others hide behind the sofa, but if their dynamic is mutually agreed (and not forced on others), that's OK.

It mainly comes down to standards of reasonableness. I don't think you'll find anybody who thinks "darling, your hair needs a trim" is as bad as "I'm going to leave you in the car because you look fat and I'm going to have to beat people up".

It's not even the sane ballpark.

It's not even the outer car park of the ballpark, or the access road off the motorway to the ballpark.

[OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer]

When someone's criticism is genuinely meant to help and is delivered in a gentle way that builds you up. It can sting, but you can always tell if someone is trying to build you up or to tear you down. It usually contains a (reasonable!!!) way to improve the situation, too.

Negative critisism - When it's delivered in a way meant to control you (as this 'advice' is, it's basically Do Everythign My Mother Tells You), or in a way that leaves you feeling very small and that You Are Wrong.

Telling you to listen to his mother over all the very highly trained paedeatricians' advice and your own instincts is just plain wrong. Telling him to cut his hair ... that's kinda normal! There's a giant difference between the two.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

AVO I think there's a world of difference between 'darling, you need a haircut, its getting a bit messy' and 'you need a haircut, I refuse to be seen out with you until you get one, people will laugh at you'.

[AVONUT]

Thanks for all ure replies and thanks preemptive for the 'circle of abuse'

I recognise the emotional abusive description. I think I should make plans......

But just out of interest when does criticising a person become abusive? Everyone makes mistakes and I've pointed out things to him - I do tell him to cut his hair when it becomes untidy and I have also pointed out items of clothing he has that aren't great. What's the dividing line?

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Oo, hope this works...

[RandomMess]

Regarding the speech delay accusations:


I have 4 DDS:

1 - very early/advanced complicated long sentences by 16 months
1 - speech delay due to glue ear
1 - average
1 - severe speech delay (turned out to be hearing auditory processing issues that the NHS hearing tests should have picked up)

So same parents, same upbringing - 4 different results in how well they spoke at 18 months let alone at the age of 4 when they started school!!!

[Homely1]

I agree with preemptive. This is emotional abuse. It sounds like him and his mother vs you. Sounds so familiar. You do what your instinct tells you - I'm sure you are doing just great.

Outbursts, telling you to listen to his mum (are you a child?!?!? NO!!!), sulking etc etc. Awful behaviour.

May I ask his background ... Not that it should make this ok.

Children do things in THEIR own time.

Get away from him and enjoy your child

[lostinmiddlemarch]

He sounds utterly awful, and immature and dependent on his mum to boot. Or else he finds being angry with you over this issue is a good excuse, since he wants to be angry about something.

I can't imagine this being a stable home. If you're staying, do seek therapy.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Oh, and DS walked like a champ from 8 months, spoke little before 14 months, but was a jabberbox from then, now (at 5.8 years) reads and writes at 7-year level, etc, etc.

Annnnnd hhheeeeee CO-SLEPT!

Tell that to Twunt, watch his head explode.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

OK, guys, here's what we need:

• link to (or gif of) the wheel of abuse
  
• link to the Abusers Profile fred
  
• Women's Aid number.
  
  (sorry, on phone - hard to link)
  
  OP, this is just appalling. Every new post of yours just chills. We've got control issues, blanking (one-word replies are bad enough towards this), gaslighting, wifework, blameshifting. This is NOT RIGHT! This is not normal.
  
  And the thing that drove you to Mumsnet wasn't even (really) concern for you, but worrying if you've done badly with the Moses basket.
  
  Please tell me you're not filling out that application. Tell fuckwit his mother should do this, since she's such a fucking know-it-all.
  
  Sorry for my language: this is so Not Right, I am livid on your behalf.

[Offred]

You know you don't need 'a reason bad enough to leave', though I think you have many, or to explain yourself to other people don't you?

He tries to dictate what you wear, he's verbally abusive, he threatens to become violent (even if not towards you), he undermines you and doesn't respect you, he has you filling in his job applications, he doesn't help with his son, he rewrites history to make things your fault... Do I need to go on?

And does his mother being a nursery nurse/foster carer also mean she knows better about weddings too?

[Homely1]

Run......

[mintoil]

Sorry, he told you you looked so fugly in a maxi dress, 2 months after giving birth to his child, that he thought people would laugh at you in the streets, and he would be obliged to give them a good thrashing to defend your honour?

Have I understood this correctly?

He really doesn't sound like the full ticket OP. You have tried leaving and he has still reverted to his "past behaviours", more details of which I imagine would have us all astounded.

I would ignore his request for you to complete his job application. More bloody Wifework!!

It sounds shit. Here some And

[MoominPie22]

Does he normally delegate job applications to u? interesting he only broke his huff cos he wanted u to do somethin for him....btw that was very weird behaviour u describe, wtf is wrong with a maxi dress? Wot would he prefer u wear? A cloak of invisability?
Is he usually a loving, kind and considerate husband would u say?

[AVONUT]

Thanks again ladies. It's good to talk as I feel alone right now.

He broke his virtual silence to ask me to complete his job application form. Still hasn't attempted an apology or retraction.

'Is the relationship generally good' it's hard to answer that. Things go along ok then something will happen that seems big but not quite big enough to split over. ( the dust has barely settled on my wedding dress). E.g. one day after I'd had ds, I wore a maxi dress to shroud my body - he had a doc appt.(dh) We were all going together. He couldn't stand my dress and when I refused to change he went to the appt on his own leaving ds and I in the carpack of our home. It was my car we were planning to take so I took the keys back angrily and he caught a train. He explained later that he did not want people taking the Michael out of me in the street as he would have to defend me and could cause a fight. Which I think is nonsense. I was overweight (ds was 2 months ) and I was wearing makeup. I didn't look like a supermodel but I'd made an effort. But the point is how can u split over that and explain it to people?

I have actually walked out twice.the last time he literally begged me on his knees and even attended counselling. But he has reverted to past behaviours.

Relationship with Mil was ok until I politely declined her advice on an aspect of the wedding. But that's another story. .......now she's a bit 'standoffish'

And with regards to preventing him from being a 'hands on father'- I asked him when. He said I chose the nursery on my own. I didn't. We both viewed the nursery TOGETHER and chose it. It was our second choice but due to timing and cost issues we ended up with it. Since his mother criticised the nursery - all of a sudden I picked it on my own - which is categorically untrue. The other evidence presented was the cot incident.

[teawamutu]

Oh, and your mil's methods raised your husband - is that looking like a 100% recommendation at the moment?

[teawamutu]

Ds2 stayed in his moses for 8 months because he was premature and tiny and I wanted him close by. He's now 5 and (not even a stealth boast, this) incredibly articulate and has a fantastic vocabulary. Still weeny, though.

Op, the problem isn't choosing between searching out lots of sources of info vs demented out of date pronouncements from Mommie Dearest. It's your disrespectful arse of dh. Don't appease the sulking eejit - get angry!

[MoominPie22]

Yes he is bang out of order. And since when does being a nursery nurse or forster carer, neither of which are actual professions which require years of training ( you basically learn on the job ) give her more knowledge and authority than an actual professional i.e speech therapist, Health Visitor etc?? He´s idiotic!

His mother is hardly the font of all knowledge just cos she used to work with kids. What is your relationship like with his mother? Does she tell you all this BS directly or is it always through your husband?

Yes I´m sure you have many more stories to tell of how he´s behaved like a jerk if this is just one example of his behaviour!

Is your relationship generally good and sound aside from this issue?

You´re doing a great job and never let anyone put doubts in your mind or undermine you. And for the record, my daughter couldn´t say 12 words at 18mnths but now she´s 4yrs and bi-lingual. Kids differ massively in all areas of development, inc physical development.

[Meht]

I think he sounds quite jealous of your wonderful natural care and bond with your son.
Thats probably why he wanted him out of your room.
Hes clutching at straws to make you feel shit. Horrible bullying behaviour.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

How does he say you are preventing him from being a hands on father, this sounds like a pretty serious concern?

[SkiptonLass2]

^ this, in a nutshell.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Your DH is the problem as well as his mother. He seems to think that her word is absolute and you are supposed to fall in line with her thinking. Such enmeshed men do not change.

His current behaviour towards you i.e. sulking is passive aggressive in origin and says an awful lot about him as well.

Why are you putting up with such shoddy treatment from him and by turn his mother, is this what you want your child to learn about relationships?.

[TendonQueen]

Right, my DS stayed in a Moses basket till he was 7 months, and was an early and advanced talker, putting multiple words together at 18 months. Your H and his mother are talking utter shit. Worse, they are bullying you. I advise you, seriously, to get yourself out of this relationship as someone who is eager to blame a child's speech issues on something his mother did is not going to be a good parent or someone you want to be raising a child with.