Husband and his mother

[AVONUT]

Hi guys, my husband and I have an 18 month old who has been referred to a speech therapist. (He has few words). My husband basically said it was my fault because I don't do everything his mum says with regards to childcare. His mother has 25 years of experience in childcare - nursery nurse and foster work so therefore I shouldn't seek information about parenting from any other source including NHS guidance. He expects me to do everything she says. What do you think?

[SkiptonLass2]

Sorry, typo, a good deal of experience with a variety of children in a day to day setting was what I meant.

Absolutely no disrespect to nursery nurses, but they are not paediatricians!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

It just occurs to me, if you're not even allowed to get advice from the NHS website, your DH will probably die of apoplexy if he hears you've been talking to Mumsnet.

Bwoouuuuhahahaha!

[TheOddity]

You know he is being unfair to you. The question is why. I think the bigger one actually is not liking baby sleeping in your room. You know and I am sure his mum knows that co sleeping, controlled crying, cry it out, etc is a hugely emotive and controversial topic that is generally best to leave the parents to resolve (as are most parenting problems!). He needs to see that you are in this together, that only you and he are there in the middle of the night sorting it out and with all your decisions you need to have the space to explore different methods until you find something that works. There is no one size fits all because we are all individuals. There is no holy grail of 'right' on sleep. You just have to try what works for you. And the main driver for that needs to be the person getting up in the night, no one else. His mum of course can give ideas but they are just that, not a handbook!

[CreepingDogFart]

It's not his mum's baby. It's yours. She can fuck off.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

My dd was in her Moses basket till about 10 months (she was very small!) and her speech has always been quite advanced for her age! (I'm also surprised at your ds's referral, as he sounds well within the normal range to me).
The real issue here is your husband's unkindness to you. Is he like this over lots of issues, or just your ds?

[AVONUT]

Thanks guys for all your help.

He's actually still sulking now - not outright blanking -just one word answers no good morning or goodnight. This all happened 3-4 days ago.

In response to some questions:

He has done similar stuff before. It's a long story so not sure I could go into it here. It would be like writing a miniature novel. But most of the blow ups are about ds. He thinks I'm preventing him from being a hands on father. But he is involved in all major decisions.

And with regards to the cot incident, he rarely woke up in the night to feed ds and still doesn't when ds wakes in middle of night. Yet was frustrated when I decided on sleeping arrangements.

His mum did initially train as an actual nurse but hasn't worked as one for decades. Not sure that makes a difference.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

He's not really being a hands on father when he's refusing to deal with night wakings and deciding only to follow his mother's advice.

Having trained as a nurse doesn't make any difference either. The two currently practising nurses at my GPs disagree with each other on lots of things. Neither is wrong, but advice is just that - advice.

[TendonQueen]

Right, my DS stayed in a Moses basket till he was 7 months, and was an early and advanced talker, putting multiple words together at 18 months. Your H and his mother are talking utter shit. Worse, they are bullying you. I advise you, seriously, to get yourself out of this relationship as someone who is eager to blame a child's speech issues on something his mother did is not going to be a good parent or someone you want to be raising a child with.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Your DH is the problem as well as his mother. He seems to think that her word is absolute and you are supposed to fall in line with her thinking. Such enmeshed men do not change.

His current behaviour towards you i.e. sulking is passive aggressive in origin and says an awful lot about him as well.

Why are you putting up with such shoddy treatment from him and by turn his mother, is this what you want your child to learn about relationships?.

[SkiptonLass2]

^ this, in a nutshell.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

How does he say you are preventing him from being a hands on father, this sounds like a pretty serious concern?

[Meht]

I think he sounds quite jealous of your wonderful natural care and bond with your son.
Thats probably why he wanted him out of your room.
Hes clutching at straws to make you feel shit. Horrible bullying behaviour.

[MoominPie22]

Yes he is bang out of order. And since when does being a nursery nurse or forster carer, neither of which are actual professions which require years of training ( you basically learn on the job ) give her more knowledge and authority than an actual professional i.e speech therapist, Health Visitor etc?? He´s idiotic!

His mother is hardly the font of all knowledge just cos she used to work with kids. What is your relationship like with his mother? Does she tell you all this BS directly or is it always through your husband?

Yes I´m sure you have many more stories to tell of how he´s behaved like a jerk if this is just one example of his behaviour!

Is your relationship generally good and sound aside from this issue?

You´re doing a great job and never let anyone put doubts in your mind or undermine you. And for the record, my daughter couldn´t say 12 words at 18mnths but now she´s 4yrs and bi-lingual. Kids differ massively in all areas of development, inc physical development.

[teawamutu]

Ds2 stayed in his moses for 8 months because he was premature and tiny and I wanted him close by. He's now 5 and (not even a stealth boast, this) incredibly articulate and has a fantastic vocabulary. Still weeny, though.

Op, the problem isn't choosing between searching out lots of sources of info vs demented out of date pronouncements from Mommie Dearest. It's your disrespectful arse of dh. Don't appease the sulking eejit - get angry!

[teawamutu]

Oh, and your mil's methods raised your husband - is that looking like a 100% recommendation at the moment?

[AVONUT]

Thanks again ladies. It's good to talk as I feel alone right now.

He broke his virtual silence to ask me to complete his job application form. Still hasn't attempted an apology or retraction.

'Is the relationship generally good' it's hard to answer that. Things go along ok then something will happen that seems big but not quite big enough to split over. ( the dust has barely settled on my wedding dress). E.g. one day after I'd had ds, I wore a maxi dress to shroud my body - he had a doc appt.(dh) We were all going together. He couldn't stand my dress and when I refused to change he went to the appt on his own leaving ds and I in the carpack of our home. It was my car we were planning to take so I took the keys back angrily and he caught a train. He explained later that he did not want people taking the Michael out of me in the street as he would have to defend me and could cause a fight. Which I think is nonsense. I was overweight (ds was 2 months ) and I was wearing makeup. I didn't look like a supermodel but I'd made an effort. But the point is how can u split over that and explain it to people?

I have actually walked out twice.the last time he literally begged me on his knees and even attended counselling. But he has reverted to past behaviours.

Relationship with Mil was ok until I politely declined her advice on an aspect of the wedding. But that's another story. .......now she's a bit 'standoffish'

And with regards to preventing him from being a 'hands on father'- I asked him when. He said I chose the nursery on my own. I didn't. We both viewed the nursery TOGETHER and chose it. It was our second choice but due to timing and cost issues we ended up with it. Since his mother criticised the nursery - all of a sudden I picked it on my own - which is categorically untrue. The other evidence presented was the cot incident.

[MoominPie22]

Does he normally delegate job applications to u? interesting he only broke his huff cos he wanted u to do somethin for him....btw that was very weird behaviour u describe, wtf is wrong with a maxi dress? Wot would he prefer u wear? A cloak of invisability?
Is he usually a loving, kind and considerate husband would u say?

[mintoil]

Sorry, he told you you looked so fugly in a maxi dress, 2 months after giving birth to his child, that he thought people would laugh at you in the streets, and he would be obliged to give them a good thrashing to defend your honour?

Have I understood this correctly?

He really doesn't sound like the full ticket OP. You have tried leaving and he has still reverted to his "past behaviours", more details of which I imagine would have us all astounded.

I would ignore his request for you to complete his job application. More bloody Wifework!!

It sounds shit. Here some And

[Homely1]

Run......

[Offred]

You know you don't need 'a reason bad enough to leave', though I think you have many, or to explain yourself to other people don't you?

He tries to dictate what you wear, he's verbally abusive, he threatens to become violent (even if not towards you), he undermines you and doesn't respect you, he has you filling in his job applications, he doesn't help with his son, he rewrites history to make things your fault... Do I need to go on?

And does his mother being a nursery nurse/foster carer also mean she knows better about weddings too?

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

OK, guys, here's what we need:

• link to (or gif of) the wheel of abuse
  
• link to the Abusers Profile fred
  
• Women's Aid number.
  
  (sorry, on phone - hard to link)
  
  OP, this is just appalling. Every new post of yours just chills. We've got control issues, blanking (one-word replies are bad enough towards this), gaslighting, wifework, blameshifting. This is NOT RIGHT! This is not normal.
  
  And the thing that drove you to Mumsnet wasn't even (really) concern for you, but worrying if you've done badly with the Moses basket.
  
  Please tell me you're not filling out that application. Tell fuckwit his mother should do this, since she's such a fucking know-it-all.
  
  Sorry for my language: this is so Not Right, I am livid on your behalf.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Oh, and DS walked like a champ from 8 months, spoke little before 14 months, but was a jabberbox from then, now (at 5.8 years) reads and writes at 7-year level, etc, etc.

Annnnnd hhheeeeee CO-SLEPT!

Tell that to Twunt, watch his head explode.

[lostinmiddlemarch]

He sounds utterly awful, and immature and dependent on his mum to boot. Or else he finds being angry with you over this issue is a good excuse, since he wants to be angry about something.

I can't imagine this being a stable home. If you're staying, do seek therapy.

[Homely1]

I agree with preemptive. This is emotional abuse. It sounds like him and his mother vs you. Sounds so familiar. You do what your instinct tells you - I'm sure you are doing just great.

Outbursts, telling you to listen to his mum (are you a child?!?!? NO!!!), sulking etc etc. Awful behaviour.

May I ask his background ... Not that it should make this ok.

Children do things in THEIR own time.

Get away from him and enjoy your child

[RandomMess]

Regarding the speech delay accusations:


I have 4 DDS:

1 - very early/advanced complicated long sentences by 16 months
1 - speech delay due to glue ear
1 - average
1 - severe speech delay (turned out to be hearing auditory processing issues that the NHS hearing tests should have picked up)

So same parents, same upbringing - 4 different results in how well they spoke at 18 months let alone at the age of 4 when they started school!!!