Help-I know I am being unreasonable but I can't seem to help myself.

[Philly]

This is going to sound totally vacuuous compared with all the real problems that people have but I can't to stop feeling bad about it.To cut a long story short (well shorter!)my dh has got 2 weeks leave at the moment before he starts his new job,he has had a pretty hard couple of years a ad has always worked long hours,this change is a big deal for both of us ,he is going to working more locally but will be effectively opening up a new office for a firm, this is hugely exciting for him but will involve long hours (again) and a fairly substantial paycut in the shortrun,the decision to do this has been fairly stressful and although both of us are sure it is the right decision it does have ramifications such as me needing to go back to work ASAP and ammending some plans for ds3's early education,but we both feel that it willbe worth it.
In addition in the last year we have had to give a HUGE amount of support to PIL,including lending them a not insubstantial sum of money because their business has folded and trying to help them to keep their marrige together and helping them to sell said house (a lot of tears etc).
As a consequence of most of the above I think I finally caracked about 6 weeks ago,I started having panic attacks and binging on food etc,have not done this since age15 and it shocked me into action,have brilliant GP am now on anti depressants which are I think helping,dh also supportive but would prefer that I was not on the pills.
So,I fondly thought that these 2 weeks would be time for us to both regroup and spend some much needed time together ,he has been good this week ,taking boys to school and we had lunch out yesterday,but on Monday he is off to the Lakes walking for 4 days with a friend from university and then the following week he starts work,I know I should be pleased for him,he is a great dad and dh and he deserves a break but I feel so hurt that he doesn't want to spend the time with us ,I will be stuck here as usual doing the school run etc while he's having a holiday.I know part of it is jealousy we have talked a lot this year about trying to get a holiday without the children but his parents are just not up to having them at the moment,and he always says well you can go away if you want some time but it's not so easy for us is it,the children still have to be organised and everything and I feel guilty making him use up his holiday ,but I feel almost like I'm at breaking point and I know that I'm not a good mum at the moment.
Every time I think about it I just think how could he leave me on my own at the moment,I need him so much,I think he just thinks it is a bad case of PMT!I hate myself for feeling like this I have always despised women who expect their partners to ask permission to go out and he did ask me if I would mind but it started off as one night and is now 4,missing both the days we could potentially have togther next week.
I feel so ashamed I can't tell him how I feel especially as it's all he's talking about he is so excited,he just can't see that I don't find it as easy just to book some time away on my own,plus he's my best friend nad we can't afford for me to go away and either he or the children always seem to have something on that makes it difficult for me to go .
Sorry this is so rambling just felt so awful and needed to tell someone and also need some hard words to help me to buck myself up!

I don't have any hard words for you because I don't think you deserve them.
I would feelthe same.
Are you having a family holiday this year?.

Can understand how you feel - having time for myself gets left till last - is at all.
Dosn't seem much you can do about the holiday now. How about coming up with a few things you'd like to do. Do you fancy going shopping for you? - if you have a new job maybe you'd like some clothes, hair done etc. Could you discuss with Dh some time at the weekend that you could have to do this.
You have beenthrough a very stressful time. How do you feel about going back to work?

Oh dear men can be so dense can't they

Do you have family or a friend you could get to come and stay? Or is there anything you want to do that you need to be alone for (just thinking videos you want to watch that you could watch in the evening).

Sorry not much help am I. All I can say is that I hate dh going away, but then when he does go I find it quite nice in a strange sort of way.

he is great and if I said I needed to go shopping for a few hours etc he would never say no,I think that's why I feel so bad about feeling this way,but I've got to the stage now that when I'm out without them I don't want to come home because they all seem to need something from me and I just feel like a shell there is nothing left to gfive them,probably what I need is a few days so that I put aside some of the responsibility I'm not good at that even at the hairdressers I'm always thinking about the shopping or dinner or washing etc!!
That was one of the problems with working part time,I am not good at leaving it behind,always worrying aboout work at home and about home at work.I don't feel too bad about going back,I worked part time until ds3 (he was my bonus1)but I am worried I won't get a job.
We have decided to put family holday off this year although may go away in October,the trouble is last yeaar I just felt like I was doing exactly the same as at home only in more difficult circumstances......Oh dear I do sound a moaner,you must believe me,I am not normallylike this,really!

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FWIW I would like to mirror exactly what sonnet has said. I would feel the same, its hard being at home and dealing with day to day stuff all the time, people feel its a easy life, but somedays, it can be very very dull.

Are your parents close ? would they be able to have your ds, so you could have a break, then at least you wouldn't have to ask your dh.

Can you have a girly night in with your friends when he is away ?

I'm sorry, I'm not much help. Take care x

I think you're partly feeling like this because of your depression. I went through that with my dp. When he went out, I would snap at him because I was jealous of the fact that he was out having a good time, whilst I was stuck at home on my own. Like you dh, he didnt want me to be on the pills, and was completely against me going to counselling (he can be a little selfish sometimes)

I think that maybe you should be honest with him on how you're feeling. Maybe just drop hints that you would like him to not spend 4 days there and maybe just 2 or even 3 if he really has to. Or try to make some "you" time, which I know may be difficult. But you could always ask the PIL to have the kids for a couple of hours, since you've helped them out (put it nicer than that of course though)

Are you happy with going back to work??

Philly--Yours is a real problem, so please don't sell yourself short. Agree with everyone else here, they are very good at advice. I, too, have had problems with food, and that is what I am worrying about for you, because stress is such a huge trigger. Like the others say, I wouldn't feel guilty about your feelings, you are perfectly justified in wanting some quality time with him and with yourself. Sometimes men just don't see how we are feeling and don't see what we need. That is great that he is a hard worker, but so are you, and you deserve a break, too, and don't feel guilty about that. Everyone else has the good ideas, I just wanted to send my support and understanding, FWIW. I don't think anyone here thinks you are a "moaner", either. Hopefully it helps to know that you have a group of cheerleaders who understand how you feel and give you support.

Thanks so much for everyones kind words,I have decided that I have to just try and put it down to experience,he wants to go and I can't and don't want to stop him so I have to put up with it and try to do something myself later in the year.
The most frightening thing is that this is very out of charecter for me and I do feel quite scared of myself at the moment.Is it the anti depressents or the depression,chicken and egg,very confusing