do I call the police?

[LotusMoths]

Husband has a temper due to abusive upbringing.
He has lost his temper before during rows and sworn, called me names, pushed, kicked me, and put his hand around my neck.
Never very hard. And I've retaliated before too.

I've made it clear how unacceptable this behaviour is and I won't stay with someone who treats me like this.
We've been married for 9 years.

He's been a lot better in recent years. He's made a huge effort to keep his temper under control and be a better husband. He hasn't been violent for at least a year.

Tonight we had a row walking home from the train station after being away for a few days.
We swore and was a bit unpleasant with each other.
I said something, he put his headphones in so he couldn't hear me.
I pulled them out again, accidentally scratching his cheek with my long nails.
He hit me quite hard. Not with a closed fist, but with an open hand, like a slap.

It really stings. He keeps apologising and protesting that I hurt him first.

I'm in shock and can't stop crying.

Hi op

I would have called the police the first time he hit you.

But you scratched him when he was trying to ignore you to stop the argument, I think it's a fine line.
He shouldn't have touched you he reacted badly, you on the other hand know he's got a,short fuse and is not above attacking you. This was not your fault but, you had your part to play with assaulting him first.

This relationship isn't fair on either of you, he needs help separately your both poison to each other right now. You both need some time out and too work on yourselves.

In case anyone thinks I'm condoning this , no I'm not and never would.

In the particular instance you described today, you were both toxic/abusive. you went to grab his headphones out of his ears and scratched his cheek. If a man did that to his wife MNers would be telling her to call the police. He slapped you across the face. Equally awful and abusive. You are in a toxic, unhealthy, violent relationship. Get out of it.

^ this.

Neither of you are exactly covering yourself in glory.

This relationship needs to end.

I have a short fuse as well. Not sure why but it could be because I'm bipolar and have fits of depression, feelings of extreme anger. I have been a bitch to him at times when he has done nothing.

A huge amount of the time our relationship is great. We share common interests and are on the same wavelength and we love each other to pieces. He's said that I am his soulmate and the best thing that ever happened to him.

His father lives in the same town as us and we see him sometimes. He's a violent self confessed alcoholic. He put my husband through hell when he was a child.

Not making excuses for my husband's violence. Or mine.
Just trying to understand and work out what the solution is. It helps to write it all down.

He's been coming in red eyed and saying how sorry he is and he wouldn't blame me if I left him.

You need to separate. That's the bottom line. The police may be useful in achieving this because he has the potential to be extremely dangerous but right now you need to focus on separating. It's just not ok to continue a relationship like this.

In the particular instance you described today, you were both toxic/abusive. you went to grab his headphones out of his ears and scratched his cheek. If a man did that to his wife MNers would be telling her to call the police. He slapped you across the face. Equally awful and abusive. You are in a toxic, unhealthy, violent relationship. Get out of it.

I agree with this too.

He could easily call the police on you too.

You say you retaliate aswell.

Your behaviour is also unacceptable.

This is not a good relationship.

Leave.

Good points 0dfod
Thanks for the advice

Your DH behaviour is abusive. However tbh so is yours.

You admit you retaliate but you 'hurt' him first this time. I'm in no way excusing his behaviour, but yours isn't good either.

You both need help/counselling for your issues and this imo can't be done whilst you are together.

This relationship is no good for either of you.

He is in counselling already (sorry should have mentioned that).

Is there a plan for you to attend one of your h's counselling sessions and are you having counselling for your issues?

Has your h at any time attended an anger management or dv perpetrators' course?

It seems your h has managed to keep his violence under control for the past year; can the same be said for you, or have there been other incidents during that time when you've behaved as you did tonight?

Totally agree with the others.

He has a short fuse, he couldn't get away from you physically so he tried to can headspace with the headphones. You pulling them out was goady and aggressive, even if you hadn't scratched him.

Neither of you are good for each other because you're bringing out the worst in each other.

Neither of you are good for each other because you're bringing out the worst in each other.

I agree with this. and this would trump "love each other to pieces" for me.

To be honest, what does "love each other to pieces" mean unless it means "I won't assault you and you won't assault me" -at a bare minimum.

OP, this is not a good relationship for either of you.

I think if you both truly want your relationship to work, and on a healthier level than it is now, you should have counselling together. You obviously both have anger issues which need resolving and this will continue till you get help. You say he is a lot better than he was, but although good, is not good enough. You both have to start learning how to deal with this - what the catalyst is, have a safe word, be able to walk away without the other following.

Really, the thing is, what do you both want??

OK Lotus you've done the classic back tracking...he's not that bad, we get on most the time, he's really sorry and crying blah blah blah.

You have a violent, turbulent, unhealthy relationship.

Why the hell post with an inflammatory 'should I call the police?' OP then quickly switch to 'actually everything is fine'.

Ok great stay with your husband who only physically assaults you once a year.

I am praying you don't have children.

You are both violent.

It isn't just your DH. You are too.

You are both violent.

It isn't just your DH. You are too.

Yep, i have no sympathy for either of you. Leave him and don't have children with him.

Jesus - call the police if you want OP but what you need to do is agree with him to separate, this is not normal, in fact it sounds pretty dangerous.

He can cry a river, it doesn't change feck all, he's violent, you are not far behind him and someone is going to end up seriously hurt.

I'd forget the counselling also, why waste years on something that probably wont even have that much impact, you are both still going to wind each other up and give the odd slap and neck wringing - what a waste of your energy and time, find someone you actually can respect and get along with, it's not him.

FFS no, do not call the Police. Not unless you think the violence is one sided (his) and you are going to leave him.

I was in the Police and there's nothing more frustrating, than two fuckwits who fight, and then one calls the Police to up the anti.

We then have to do a shit load of work on your case, and within a few hours you've made up and are having a good old piss up and a laugh together, whilst we are sat in the Station writing up a huge report for you.

If you decide to stay with him (which I wouldn't) then that's your choice, so suck it up and leave the Police to deal with more important stuff.

Hmm. Seems like the police would be the wrong way to go with this one.
Is it just you and him? No children? Then go to your parents or a friend overnight so you know you will be safe, and tomorrow see a solicitor about divorce.

You could ask him to leave tonight but there would be the chance of him hitting out. So take the safest route.

But ditch him.