Lack of sex.

[EuropeanSpoon]

I saw some good threads on this before Xmas but can't find them now...it's that humiliating and depressing issue, my husband doesn't want to have sex with me. I always wanted it more but since our 4 year old was born he's just not interested.
I have tried talking to him about it but he can't offer an explanation. Everything works, we did it maybe three times last year and it was fine. I have previously had a long term partner who wasn't interested in sex so can only conclude I repel men somehow.
I just feel sad that I'll never be wanted, I miss sex a lot and spend a lot of time feeling frustrated!
Sometimes I worry that id be vulnerable to an affair but the chance would be a fine thing tbh, I'm so divorced from my body I can't imagine any man would show an interest. My lust objects are rock stars and actors so all safe there. My work is entirely women so no temptations.
Suppose I'd like some tips on channeling my longings!
I'm not prepared to be the woman who broke up her family cos she didn't get enough.
Sorry for incoherent post, I'm a bit confused myself, and kind of sad.

Offred I know what you mean about not sharing. I know sweet FA about my H's past, not in a secretive way he just doesn't tell me anything. No idea how old he was when he lost his virginity, how many partners he's had, who his celebrity crushes are. He has friends but doesn't seem to really need them, they tend to be colleagues who he rarely socialises with outside work.
If I just felt like a woman it'd be okay, I like him well enough to be content, I don't think I have lofty romantic ideals. He's supportive of my career and stuff, maybe a bit too happy for me to have a social life while he stays at home with the kids.

I think it'd ruin them if I left now, they are so happy they just wouldn't understand it. What a mess. And he's oblivious! No turmoil for him. I'm not in the mood for a 'big chat' though so he can stay that way, not that it bothers him anyway when I do spill my guts.

Children almost never understand adult parent's relationships no matter how old they are IMO. Children want the adults to do what they want them to do. That isn't always possible or in their interests.

One of my motivations for leaving was worrying that I'd be modelling this type of emotionally dead relationship to them and teaching them that normal relationships make women unhappy.

But I think it is important you do things on your timescale.

I had advice on here to leave, it took a couple of years to get there in my mind.

Maybe I should buy a motorcycle or something, what if it's a midlife crisis?!

I do have a bit of a timeline. Trying to work on myself and get solvent, then perhaps if feel more like I had options. Sometimes it's fine, I feel like this is my lot in life and it could be so much worse, then I have days like today. It's not helping I work with someone older than me who's been married 20 odd years and talks about her husband in the manner of a teenage girl discussing the Osmonds.

I know comparison is the thief of joy and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors etc, I do.

It's not a midlife crisis.

It's not just about sex.

It's about lack of communication and lack of intimacy.

You've talked and talked and he is not prepared to even do that which is why he offers no explanation. He behaves as though he isn't interested in even hearing your feelings from your description.

It's not normal or healthy to be so closed off in a relationship.

I had a timeline too - finishing my degree. I ended up leaving long before that - I finish this June. It has been tough, it has affected my studies but I'm not sorry I left. I was falling into suicidal depression.

I am in another relationship now, there is a lot of intimacy (and sex). I have my own rented house, I see my boyfriend when I am not with the DC, I have free time with no DC and no BF to focus on me.

See that sounds like a pipe dream to me...you are braver than I am! You're right, he's embarrassed that I even have feelings I think. His face just says SHUT UP if I stray into feelings territory. I had some bad news the other day and hid in the toilet to cry so he wouldn't see, I get that that's a bit fucked up.

I really appreciate you replying to me btw

Yes, it is fucked up. You should not be embarrassed of having feelings.

I don't think I'm braver than you. I reached the end of my tether is all and did things bit by bit.

It's not all been plain sailing. I still have my own issues which drew me to XH in the first place.

New BF has his own issues, things have been rough sometimes with him, they are really good right now.

XH has his own issues. I'm just not taking responsibility for other people's issues anymore and enjoying living on my own.

I have no kids tonight and am eating takeaway in bed and watching X-files for nostalgia and recovering from staying up all night last night talking and shagging...

I think the trick to life is to only take responsibility for things you are actually responsible for. That means not taking him being closed off as you being hideously unattractive.

You deserve to be happy. Your kids won't understand that fully, but it is true. You can't live entirely for other people, it's not good for you or them.

I know. we both love them so much though. I'm desperately keen not to let them feel like I MADE SUCH SACRIFICES for them or anything, they didn't ask to be born! I hate the thought they'd ever feel responsible for my feelings.

A split disrupts their lives. IMO it is right to not split lightly but you mustn't get drawn into martyrdom or flogging of dead horses because you will waste your life and the DC will internalise your relationship as normal.

You'll have to deal with the fall out of the split if you do. You may pass on the misery of your relationship if you don't either fix it (which is not possible to do on your own) or leave.

You don't need to take drastic action.

The month I left I realised that I'd posted on MN. I went back and read my posts, realised nothing had changed, I had been in FOG (fear obligation guilt) and my mental health was declining. exh didn't want anything to change and often when pushed into talking (mostly he would have a blank look and just agree with everything) claimed I hadn't said things I had or claimed he had misunderstood me which made me feel I just hadn't communicated clearly enough.

Reading my past threads made me see I was communicating clearly, he just wasn't hearing me and that I had done all I could and so I felt it was ok to give up.

It was two years after the first thread and one year after a thread I posted about suggesting he needed to have some counselling to deal with his issues with intimacy and communication stemming from childhood that I felt were causing the problem so I think what happened was after the first thread I started identifying that he had issues and trying to coax him into understanding and wanting to fix things. After the second thread I had given him time in my mind but just became increasingly disinterested in him and depressed.

I could have left at least a year before I did I think.