Unfair to expect DH to modify behaviour, just because I'm pregnant?

[tch]

Am 4 mths pg and just been out with DH tonight. Big group of friends, (his friends really). I'm more than happy for him to carry on going out sometimes just with his mates and getting trashed with them. However, since we were going out together as a couple, I asked him not to do any coke. Whatever your feelings on drugs right/ wrong etc, I just think it's really fricking annoying being out with someone who's on a different wavelength to you. IMO it's no different to when he has said in the past, "please stop drinking, you're making an arse of yourself."

I haven't been averse to a few lines now and again. OBV not doing anything of the sort now that I'm pg and only had a couple of small glasses of wine with dinner.

DH was in the bog with a mate before the starter even arrived. I'm so, so cross.

His attitude is that I didn't have a problem with it before and that it's not as though he's doing the baby any harm. And brought up the chestnut, "well YOU'RE the one that kept saying you wanted a baby." (He is actually pleased, so think that's pretty low.)

I think it's downright rude of him. Apart from anything else, he's gone on to pub with mates whilst I got a cab home on my own.

Surely it's not unreasonable to expect that we at least come home together - even if it's early? As I said, I don't mind him going out with his mates and staying out til all hours. He doesn't take liberties and do it all the time. I just don't think it's a lot to ask to expect him to sit at a dinner table with me, have a couple of glasses of wine and come home just ONCE in a while?

Or am I being unreasonable because I want to join in the fun and can't?

Please no lectures on why drugs are bad... But any thoughts on this?

Is he planning on changing after the baby's born?

Are you just annoyed that he's still doing something you want to do?

I don't think it's a lot to expect of someone that they can go for a night out without drugs or drink, no. I would worry about someone who couldn't manage this, really.

Agreen with Hunkermsnmunker

no I don't think you're being unreasonable. many moons ago dh did more than me. I bought him a ticket for a really special once in a life-time event and - precisely because of the wave-length thing you refer to - I asked him not to do anything. he did and I just felt really upset and betrayed. I wasn't pg - it was just what I thought was a reasonable and simple request so we could enjoy a special evening together. I think you are entirely reasonable to ask him - as you say - once in a while to be with you for the evening. (not sure if I'm allowed to say this but your post is a refreshing change from the real I'm pg therefore dh shouldn;t have any fun type posts!)

I'm not sure if not getting involved in anything makes you maore aware or if men actually do seem to go for it big time before the bay comes along but I'm sure D seemed to get more drunk and hang around longer when I was pregnant, esp the first time. They do find it hard to appreciate how you feel and I do think that somewhere in the back of their mind they think a) go for it while you can and b) I have a sober taxi ride home.
It's horrid and you have my sympathies. You're not being unfair, you both represent a million couples worldwide.
His line about you wanting the baby would piss me off more than anything else, think that was a defensive thing on his part tbh.
It doesn't help that it's silly season either.

Think if it was just that I was wishing I could do it, then I would mind him going out at all without me and me "knowing" what he was up to and putting up with him being hungover and a misery for days afterwards.

Also, on his birthday party my attitude was "it's your party, you do what you want to do," or variant thereof. Even at my friends birthday, when I went back to the hotel earlyish, I told him that I didn't mind if he stayed out.

It's just that when I say, "just this 'once', can you please modify your behaviour" and he freaks at me like I'm some sort of miserable cow, then it really pisses me off.

I've said to him, "it's not like you can do this after the baby is born." (Though even then I've never said "never again" - I'm not a dragon.) And his attitude is, "well the baby's not here yet, is it?"

and

I haven't really asked him to change anything "because I'm pregnant". Yes I have a moan sometimes, but I really haven't demanded special favours. I think that's why I'm so disappointed that he wouldn't do this for me tonight.

I was thinking that about the "because I'm pg" thing - partly cos of my experience being similar but nothing to do with pregnancy. I think it;s not because you are pg, it's simply because every now and then you'd like company on the same wavelength. you can;t be on a coke wavelength so the only way to get that is for him not to be.

X-posted there. Thanks Hat and Tee as well.

Hat, yes it is the "please can we be together, properly on the same wavelength" thing.

Glad I'm not hte only one anyway. That helps.

I think now is the time to sit down and discuss what you both expect it to be like after the baby comes, and reach a compromise if possible. Without going into details, there are lots of things both DP and i did pre-baby that aren't condusive to responsible parenting (in my view) and while i was pregnant we sat down and talked about what we would do when the baby came, eg no smoking in the house, friends not allowed to bring drugs to the house, baby was not to be taken to certain friends houses because of their lifestyle etc etc.

Luckily, we agreed on most things, and we have the same friends etc so he rarely goes out without me.

Most importantly, once our son was born, we mostly didn't even feel like doing half the things we used to. Perhaps in our debauchery we were seeking something which our boy fulfilled in us.

PLEASE sort it now- before the baby comes you both need to have reached an understanding, or it could mean alot of anger and confusion for you both.

No you're not unreasonable.

This came up on another thread a couple of days ago. If you don't change your habits when you become a parent, either you had no bad habits and were saintly, or you're a complete arse who is utterly selfish and probably not ready for parenthood.

Pregnancy is a good time to work out things like this. I don't think you are being unreasonable but I also know that until the baby is actually there, loads of men find it difficult to modify their behaviour.

It's horrible if someone is on coke when you;re not-- next time he does it I would just calmly go home alone.

Then make sure you are up bright and early in the morning hoovering the bedroom and doing everything to aggravate his coke induced hangover

Thank you so much for the honest thoughts here. We've talked it over. I suspect his mates might have actually told him he was out of order as well. Anyway, we still have some things to sort out, but this particular thing - well he seems to have seen the light somewhat.

After some thought, his analagy was that he supposed, "that it's a bit like if you had no arms and I brought you to a 'taking things of high shelves party' and expected you to enjoy it. And then when you didn't enjoy it, that I sent you home on your own saying, 'fuck you and your disability'."

So it's a bit of a weird analagy, but he's got the idea.

And I think you could be nailed on moonlitsky- I don't think it feels real to many men until the baby has arrived. Even more so for my DH as this is my second baby and his first. So in that sense I should perhaps cut him a little slack.

He's agreed about the drugs thing and looked incredulous when I said, "no drugs in the house when there's a baby there," and said he couldn't believe I even thought I needed to say it, so that's good too.

Thanks again for your thoughts. Sorry for having to use a pseudonym. DH knows my normal screenname, plus lots of people know my real name so didn't think it a good idea to talk about this kind of stuff. You never know who's lurking!

pmsl at the taking high things off shelves party

This would also be one I wouldn't enjoy, being a short-arse.

The night me and my husband told my brother I was pregnant, we were all playing poker round his house. I was on the orange&soda; everyone else was on the whisky, and they had a couple of lines each too. I felt it would be a bit mean to ask my husband not to do any, as it's not an everyday thing for him and was a bit of a "treat" (I can see abstemious MNers accross the country tutting at this!).

A week later I was at a one-day music festival with a friend, and she did some pills she'd saved for the occasion for us both. Again, it was something we'd been looking forward to for a while, so I didn't feel I could ask her to stick to orange & sodas just because I'd got pregnant in the meantime. And it meant I could drive us both home afterwards, with her blethering away excitedly in the passenger seat.

I totally get what you're saying about feeling left out and not on their wavelength though. People are just irritating when they're on drugs and you're not: when they're on coke they're loud, obnoxious and laughing like drains at their own jokes. When they're on pills they're all sincere and earnest and want to talk about Deep Stuff. But they're no worse than drunk people.

I wouldn't like it to be a regular thing, but once in every while it doesn't really bother me.

I found with my dp (and have had friends whose partners are similar) get worse during pregnancy (especially if it is their first child) trying to do all the things that they won't be able to do after. Also some freak out a bit. Really wanting the baby and being happy about it, but trying to cram things in and being worse cos 'its the last time'.

So while he's being a pain, it doesn't mean he won't improve as soon as the baby arrives.