`Would you use MIL`S help even though it meant you owe her big time`

[Sakura]

I think Ive finally made my peace with my MIL, but am needing advice on how to handle her. I find her overbearing, overcontrolling and stressful to be around. I have tried to distance myself from her in the past, but I realised that was causing more stress. She was noticing it, DH was getting pissed off (with me), and now I have DD (13 weeks). I think that <span class="italic">on</span> <span class="italic">the</span> <span class="italic">whole</span> her good points outweigh her bad. She is very helpful, and takes a great interest in me. She adores DD, and if I ever asked her to help me, she would. What I donT like is that when she does help, she sees it that its my social obligation to owe her for this. She`s Japanese, so I know its mainly cultural, but its still stressful. I tried for ages not to be in her "debt", but I realise that I am much better off accepting her help, especially now that I have DD. What do you think? Would you "sell yourself out" in this way, to have extra help, and to keep the peace. Or would you feel more comfortable keeping your integrity, and keeping her at a distance?

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Personally, no. I would have to be pretty desperate before I ask anyone for help, never mind someone I don't like very much, or who would hold it over my head.

Hi Yes, Im British and I live in Japan. I know she feels a kind of "you cant expect much from a foreigner mentality. The compromise that Im trying is for me to meet her on my terms (she lives down the street, and thinks its fine to pop in whenever she wants). So I try to "arrange" for us to do things together, like go to her house, go out to lunch etc, to try to get some autonomy and control back. Im trying to put up boundaries as politely as possible. But shes becoming more full on since DD has been born.
Her other daughter in law lives with her, [nerves of steel] because she and her husband expect to receive the lions share of the inheritance. That kind of thing is <span class="italic">very</span> normal here. so she plays the dutiful daughter in law, living with MIL, cleaning, cooking etc. and she is rewarded very well for this. So Im expected to do a watered-down version of that, but I feel like I`m a sell out.

itsounds like your handling it well actually. the usual 'your husband and your family only' argument wouldnt apply for cultural reasons i think - so it looks like your doing a good job

Colditz, I know exactly what you mean. I hate receiving her help, but when I had DD I think that I really needed it. There is a custom here where the new mother shouldnt do any housework or cooking for a month. Frozen meals are hard to come by here because everyone buys fresh every day, so I wouldnt have been able to keep up. DH was working all day. I was so weak for a while after giving birth and breastfeeding.
I think that this kind of practical help stopped me getting any PND, so thats why Im wondering if on the whole, I should bite the bullet and just try to get along with her. But I feel like Im getting sucked in to the point of no return..

Thanks custardo, I never thought of it like that. If I try to consider myself as the mature, diplomatic person in all of this, that might help me to deal with it.

I lived in Japan for two years so I know a bit about favours, obligation, etc. (Did you meet your husband in Japan or the UK? If he's getting "pissed off" with you for standing up to her, that doesn't sound good!) All you can do is play the foreigner card a lot; talk about privacy, time to yourself, etc. What sort of things does she expect you to do in return for babysitting etc? Just think when the baby gets bigger you'll be able to leave her with mil!

My MIL is not Japanese but was born in a highly matriarcal society. From the moment DH and I got married I was expected to obey her rules, even when most rules were created in the spur of the moment. At the beigining I played it down, allow her to have her way in things that were not worth a fight, but at the end, whatever I do was not enough and at some point I got tired about her highly irrational expectations and had a big blow out. Our marriage has not yet recovered from that, although from time to time I get reminders sent by MIL saying she is still expecting an apology

Anyways, the answer to the question is no, if you can't tolerate the full extent of it I would just forget it. I realised that with us things started by allowing her to choose the flowers for the church until the day she autoritatively declared she had already chosen the school DS was going to attend, whether we like it or not!

At 13 weeks IME "help" is often less helpful than the gratitude that is expected. It's more "keeping the peace" as you say in your OP.

From around 2 I would say that "help" can come in very useful, and is worth a bit of grovelling and over the top appreciation.

So I would say don't burn your bridges, but keep on keeping on.

Sakura

Sorry if i'm gong some where you don't feel you can, but is it a cultural difference or because you have a difficult relationship with your own family (have read on (pages thread) about the shocking things that have been done and said to you)

Could you explain to her a little bit of what has happen to you and why you having a bit of difficulty in excepting her help at the moment, but maybe work out a way of including her in your day to day life with making you feel overwhelmed(sp).

Sakura - is it possible for you to just agree with her at the time (perhaps over little things) and then just do your own thing anyway?

What sort of 'repayment' does she expect for her help?

hi, thanks for the advice everyone,
Am leaving for the UK today, so cant post for a while. Yes octobermum, I think my relationship with my mum is affecting my relationship with MIL, because I find it so much harder to let the controlling side to her character just slide. Also, I dont have a mum myself who I can vent to about MIL problems, IYKWIM.
The kind of thing that really annoys me, is basically when she runs off with DD (has done this since she was about 2 weeks old) into another room or something. My mothers instinct makes me stressed when I cant see my baby when she is so young. So I let it go for a while, but if I cant stand it anymore, I make it obvious I want the baby back in polite ways, and she blatantly ignores them. Its not so much her taking DD, of course I donT have a problem with that. Its more her refusing to give her back when I can calm the baby, but she cant. Shes only babysitted once, but I didnt realise Id miss DD so much, so I havent been apart from her since. Im just not sure how to deal with situations like the one I described. I need tips on how to get along with her I think, how to keep calm etc. How to deal with it really. Last night for the first time, when she ignored me, I said a very firm "Please" in Japanese, and she looked suprised and gave the baby back. I told DH about it, and he said that in their culture that it was quite a rude way to say something, but maybe because Im a foreigner, its allright. Anyway, going home for a bit now. Fish and Chips! CAnt wait.

Will think about talking to her in the way you describe. If that works, itd be ideal. If I just explain IM under a lot of pressure, with my mum having "depression" and everything. I`m just worried it will become too intense, and might end up blowing up. I know the Japanese prefer to pretend nothing is ever wrong on the surface, rather than face problems head on.