Just venting.

[RyVeeta]

I need to put things in writing now and then. Dh being difficult again. Calling the girls names, because they annoy him (they're adults waiting to go to uni), twisting and turning so that it's never his fault. Yes he's an abusive arse, although apparently that's me, haven't worked out how yet. I keep playing the part of peacemaker but I'm tired of it. I know he's disabled, I know he's in pain but for fucks sake, so am I. He has choices nobody else has. He has topsy turvy bedtimes because I HAVE to get up in the morning because if I didn't nobody would get to school/college. He doesn't like supermarkets, neither do I but I HAVE to do it or it wouldn't be done. He's never done a school run, cleaned a loo. Oh god, I could bore forever. I'm tired, I'm getting old and the rest of my life isn't going to be spent not going out because he makes it so awful when I get back, and not staying in because he doesn't like me going out. It's not going to be spent waiting on him hand and bloody foot. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of him calling us all names, tired of treading on eggshells. Tired.

Why put up with it then?

Can you get away or get him to leave?

The 'never their fault' people are the most irritating. Are you really 'just venting' or have you had enough?

He sounds beyond awful. To all of you. It takes an immense amount of fortitude to soldier on as you have, over the years. But your own strength conspired against you and now the worst outcome would be to continue for another twenty years of it. If the camel's back is about to be broken by this straw, you'll get no end of practical and emotional support here. Many of us have been where you are and got out. When are your children away to uni?

Why have you allowed this man to suck the joy out of your life and the lives of your dds? What example do you think you've given them to take forward in their adult relationshps?

Putting up abusive behaviour when you have no-one else to consider is one thing; tolerating abusive behaviour when it has an adverse impact on dc is quite another.

Isn't it about time you showed your dds by word and deed that women do not have to be subservient to abusive males?

Oh I'd be sorting out my running away bags now. I'd tell the girls that once they'd gone, I was gone, too. You'll be amazed at how lovely your new life will be.

Straw and Camels back is a definite.
goddess. He wasn't always as bad as this, the last two years have been hell, but initially, although difficult he wasn't as obvious or as difficult as he is now. I felt guilty because he's disabled, I felt that I shouldn't be giving up on twenty odd years. Sometimes I still feel like that, but it's less frequent these days.

What would happen if you told him you were very unhappy because of the way he behaves/talks to you and that you're seriously considering a divorce if things don't improve?

Tried, he banks on the fact that I haven't followed through. Problem is we're all too scared to say it properly because he won't be calm and rational, he'll break things and shout and barricade himself in somewhere. Yes, I'm being serious, he's done it before when he feels 'under threat'. In other words when it looks like I may mean it. He then tells anyone who'll listen that I'm abusive, that I have all the power and that he lives under the constant threat of eviction. None of this is true. None of it. I try to be rational and calm. I tried telling him today, really calmly that he needs to take responsibility, that it isn't always him who is the victim, pointing out that I do support him when he's in the right (I do) but he doesn't see it that way. It's his way or it doesn't exist and to the rest of us it's some sort of strange fantasy world he's living in, in which he is the most pampered victim that ever existed. FFS we're all so grateful if he makes a cuppa it's unbelievable, because it hardly ever happens and should we say anything apparently the nature of his illness means he's inconsistent.

Something to bear in mind is that if you get yourself new living arrangements by the time the girls start university, they will be a lot happier about coming back to see you. That might be something to work towards. Is the place you all currently live in in your name?

Problem is we're all too scared to say it properly because he won't be calm and rational, he'll break things and shout and barricade himself in somewhere

When he behaves in this way call the police and when they arrive ask them to remove him from the house because you feel 'under threat' as his behaviour is not that of a rational person and there's no telling what he might do.

You're not a mouse... start roaring like a lioness and protect your dds from having to witness any more of his abusive twattery.

Am relating this to see if it is me. I do wonder sometimes. I've asked before and generally the consensus is him, but still worry in case it is me.
Anyway, dd2 is of very low mood at the moment, I'm trying to help her and to guide her through this, it takes time. At times he too tries to help and to cheer her up. One of the things I'm trying to do is regulate her bedtimes and make her come out on walks when she's not at college, just trying to add some sort of structure to her day, eg. getting dressed etc. She isn't sleeping well and has nightmares. I got her up just before 12 today, later than usual because I know she'd been awake and stressing at 5. He burped as she was coming down the stairs. He put something in her way as she came downstairs. She apparently gave him 'a look' and kicked the item out of the way. He was making us (me and her) a drink but told her to get on with it, he wasn't doing it because he got a look. He then apparently got another look and started having a go at her. I made the coffee and sent her back upstairs to get away, she was crying. FFS, she'd just got up. She was displaying behaviours he does all the time but gets away with. She's low, she's just got up, I do not understand why he couldn't have just left it until she'd had her first cuppa. Because I didn't stick up for him, I'm in trouble. I gave her a cuddle, he was having a go, unnecessarily in my opinion. That man can turn on a sixpence but apparently it's my inconsistencies that are causing the problem! Please tell me I'm okay and he is behaving like a five year old. He won't discuss it, it's all us ganging up on him and nobody else is allowed to say anything. He appears to be a permanent victim.

No wonder your daughter is low, living with someone who's abusive

No wonder your daughter is low, living with an abusive man
Life's too short to live with people who suck the joy out of life

Apologies. Just adding so that it stays in my head clearly.
Went out today and as usual am being made to pay. He apparently doesn't mind me going out. If that's the case though, why is it always so shitty when I get home. Why does he never say: How was it, did you have a nice time? Today I got what an annoying time he'd had with the dog and I didn't bother to leave a note to say where I was. As usual I tried to placate and offered a hot drink (he knew I'd been running around all afternoon providing coffee and cake for thirty odd people) but I offered anyway. No, he had a headache and stomped off to bed. This is why I stopped going out. I committed to this particular thing a year ago. Should have known better.

Why don't you leave him? Seriously. He is controlling everything. Damaging your DD's and when they leave you will be stuck with him on your own.

Sounds like you are better off with him going to bed. I don't think you or your DD should alter any more of your behaviour to try and placate or accommodate him. I think you should leave, and in any period before that is possible, I'd ignore him completely as much of the time as you can.

Why haven't you left? Honest question.

Your daughter is depressed because of the situation you and her are living in.

Going to a solicitor this week. He was awful to dd last week and she lost it and told him what she thought of him in no uncertain terms. He tried to be nice for a few days, it's not lasted. At the moment she has to come first because she is clinically depressed, although that apparently makes me a muppet. I would have done it sooner but one dd wanted to keep giving him chances. She is no longer prepared to do that, so even if he's nice today, I'm keeping the appointment. He doesn't know about it and it can stay that way until I'm ready.

One of the things I find interesting about all this is (when I can be detached) is that he has been clinically depressed for years and a lot of the behaviours that dd is displaying are behaviours he would expect and has had help and support with.

RyVeeta,

Re an earlier comment of yours:-

"I felt guilty because he's disabled, I felt that I shouldn't be giving up on twenty odd years"

Do you still fell like that; is that really why you have not left?. Is that what you get out of this relationship now, some shared history?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Its not you its him it really is but you need to examine far more closely your own reasons for staying to date. Your children are seeing the effects of life in this home akin to a warzone all too clearly, they could easily end up with a man like the one you have shackled yourself to. He's managed to get you all to walk on eggshells around him aka living in fear.

The above sounds awfully like the "sunken costs fallacy" that causes people to make bad relationship decision and keeps people like you in bad relationships far longer than they should be. I would read up on sunken costs, also you forget with that the damage here by him has already been done.

At least your DD will not keep giving her dad further chances any more; you really do need to do the same with regards to her dad. Go to the Solicitor this week and start divorce proceedings against this individual. I would also suggest that you look into and enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. Your boundaries in relationships are well skewed because of him.

This is an abusive relationship and you need to get out for your sake and your daughter's sakes. It won't get better, it will get worse if you stay. You know that, and well done to you for taking those first steps to get away and contacting a solicitor.
Just because someone is depressed and disabled doesn't mean they get carte Blanche to be abusive. A relationship where you have to walk on eggshells and worry in case you have the wrong expression on your face is toxic. I know, I have just escaped one.Get advice , get support, try women's aid , and get out.
You and your daughters deserve better. Heres a hug for you. Good luck x

So, when your daughters fly the nest what will you be left with ?

An abusive man. Just you and him. Him increasingly requiring more care but verbally destroying you as you do it.

Your daughters increasingly not coming back to visit until they become almost like strangers. When they have children you barely know them as they refuse to expose their precious babies to his dysfunction.

Sound appealing ?

That is my mother's life. Don't let it be yours.

Poor you and your ooor daughters. abusers deflect their actions onto others. This is what he is doing when he says you are abusive. It is to shut you up, make you doubt yourself and stop questioning him.

See the solicitor. Get out.

That's my mother's life too, AF. She is a narcissistic bully and I strongly suspect I'm in the position I'm in because I've always been told how worthless I am, even though that was forty years ago, it never goes. However, I'm not doing it anymore. My dds need a safe place. They're off to uni but I want them to come home during the holidays and why would they? To be told off and complained about. He blames them for everything, whether or not it's their fault. Dd did get it wrong last night but it didn't need to escalate, but he's so entrenched in his I am the most important person in the world he cannot see that he could have gone about things differently and got a different result. No, he just shouts, immediately if he doesn't like it. Doesn't see why he should negotiate. Can't see that he's done anything wrong, ever.

You are doing the right thing