Going no contact with ex - advice ?

[piperchapman44]

I left my ex a year ago. He was abusive in the relationship and badly assaulted me in front of dc after it. He is now on a perpetuators course and hasn't been violent since, but his verbal and emotional abuse is steadily escalating again. I've had a lightbulb moment where I realise I am still in this cycle of abuse. in fact it's been so bad the last few days i would say that mentally I am right back in the place I was when he lived with me.

I am going to send him an email tonight saying this - just wanted advice on whether this was a good plan?

Dear fuckface.

The current situation is unmaneageable for me and the dc. dd has anxiety problems at night which stem from her anxiety over seeing you react when you are in contact with me when she is with you.

Therefore, I wish to proceed with divorce asap to sort out our joint assets (house) and I also wish to now have no contact with you, save for essential contact by email only over the dc.

I will no longer answer any texts or phone calls from you. I will not read or reply to any emails that are not solely about the dc. Your phone calls to dc can be at xx time. You are no longer to come in the house at handover time, this must be done at the door and if I carry on being upset by these they will have to be done via a third party. These are the times you have the dc xx and xx we can arrange these more formally as part of the divorce.

piper

It's very unlike me to be so hard but I feel it's about time I laid out some firm boundaries.

More to the point - will this work? Will it rescue me from incessant bullying and abuse or is this my life until dc are grown?

I can;t afford a divorce but I figure I can get a cheap loan and then repay on settlement? I just can't take another day of this anymore. he came in today and was vile as I had;t washed up so gave him a chipped mug!! Said it showed everything about my respect for him. FFS.

Feel free to correct me but I thought you could still get legal aid for divorce where there had been dv?

My ex was an arse prone to turning up drunk and ranting. So when I moved away from the marital home I didn't give my address and arranged for handovers to take place at a local cafe. He tried to have that changed. Basically he tried all sorts of tactics to get judges at our contact hearings to give my address but there was no need for him go have my address (it was easy for us to contact each other in event of any emergencies with dd) and police had attended twice when I was at old address when he was drunk and ranting!

In your position I would:

Get divorce proceedings going asap after making sure I had a solicitor good at dealing with dv divorces, women's aid can probably recommend people in your area.

Email to arrange to either drop kids at his or meet somewhere neutral and public for hangovers.

Tell him no contact aside from dc emergencies or email to discuss dc arrangements.

Glad you have non mol order, can't understand why he would be allowed in YOUR home if you're not there?

Ok I also,wanted to ask opinions on this.

I live in the family home which is owned so no mortgage. He rents for approx £1k. We earn the same but he works ft me pt (cos of our child,)

I give him £200 a month as rent. He pays no maintenance cos of his rent vs me having no mortgage to pay. I pay for everything, and I mean everything. One dd who does a lot of activities and has childcare when I work .

I worked out that our outgoings are the same this wa y.

But, in the future, my outgoings will be a lot higher, as he plans to move way away near family (and not work, so no maintenance !) and buy mortgage free and I will be getting the biggest mortgage I can in order to try and stay in area for the school.

When I start divorce, it's going to help a little to have this £200, I will have to get a loan to pay for it.

I was trying to be fair but am I being a mug paying this? Will take legal advice, but morally?

Oh hell no should you be paying him anything. Stop it from today. And definitely ask a solicitor if you can get legal aid as you are a DV victim. Just ring and ask then make an appointment.

You pay HIM??? Fuck me he is good!
Stop that at once.
You pay for everything so he can go fuck himself.
He should be supporting his kids and he's not doing that.
STOP PAYING HIM - RIGHT NOW!!!!!

1. Stop paying him
2. Get legal advice
3. Do what the solicitor advises

Sorry, but yes you are being a mug.

Morally, he has an obligation to support his children. This includes keeping a roof over their heads.

Why will he be mortgage free and you have the biggest mortgage possible?

The starting point for discussions will be 50/50 on the equity in the house. He will then owe money to support his children, even if he never sees them. If he intends to rely on benefits then even a paltry amount can be deducted for that.

If you have good reason to stay in the current home, (e.g. one of the kids has particular needs/the only place you can afford and stay in their school) then it can be arranged that you stay there until the youngest turns 18, then you are forced to sell and he gets his %.

And 1,000 on rent? Anywhere outside of London that will give him a very nice 2 or 3 bed place to himself. He's living a pretty luxurious life while you support his kids. (Unless you live in London, in which case he's probably taking turns in a cardboard box under a bridge).

You urgently need to see a lawyer. This cannot be right.

Now that I think about it, when he has discussed divorce, he has only said that he has been told by his sol that it will be very very hard. Which I think means he is going for more than 50%. He has never once said he will make sure that we are ok, and have a roof over our heads. For him it's that he gets what he is entitled to, as the person who put the most capital into the house.

Today I've had a long chat with a lady from the local dv hub about how to communicate my intentions to him safely. So I have a plan and also we've run through safety plans in various scenarios.

My sol is away for 3 weeks although there is someone covering her. But I've booked a free hour with a different firm just to get some free advice about all of this. I'll see her when she gets back when I have more specific questions. . I'm going to fill in the divorce petition ahead of that appt and run through my "unreasonable behaviour" examples, to make sure it's all ok before filing. Her sec says she will do 30 minute appt,s or whatever I want, so as long as I go in prepared I can keep costs as low as poss.

I will cancel the money I send him. It's money towards divorce fees, and it's not like he would now ever give me anything he didn't have to. And my future is looking a lot more expensive than his.

I live in London. He plans to move away and live off the ££ he will get from the sale of the house. While I struggle to keep us afloat. That's his plan, anyway.

He is an abuser.
You can't negotiate with an abuser, and you can't assume he will become reasonable, even when he is behaving nicely (to get his own way). No contact, let the solicitors deal with arranging finance or children, and remove yourself from his toxic influence.

You've taken some really good steps so far.
I'm glad you aren't giving him money anymore.
How much equity is in the house then?
You will be entitled to minimum of 50% so unless it's worth a lot then I can't see how can live off of it for a long time.
Also make sure you tell your solicitor this as he will still need to support his kids and if you know he isn't going to work to do this then you should get a higher % of the equity in lieu of this.
Well done and keep going!

Today I emailed him a very to the point email re not coming in the house / i was filing for divorce.

Had the predictable ton of mails/texts back about how his life is no longer worth living / I'm ruining dd's life / she'll end up hating me / he only hit me because i withheld intimacy.

I KNOW this is all in the abuser's handbook but it still upsets me:-( I feel so guilty and scared of the future.

Still, at least I've set boundaries now.

door is locked. just feel scared about his emotional manipulation of dd now.

You are NOT ruining your DDs life!! You are making it 100% better!! Do not give in to his emotion blackmail, you are doing the right thing. Keep the door locked. Don't respond to him at all.

I'm not responding but I have an old iPhone and i can;t block him. And I'm working at home so i need it on. Getting loads of messages about how actually how I am the abuser, apparently.

I think it's just dawning on him that I really, really, won't go back.

Wow he sounds delusional! Keep the text abut him hitting you....he's messed up big time sending that one hasn't he.... will be very useful for you in your divorce.

I'm getting emails and texts. Mainly texts. I normally delete them when they're vile as occasionally dd picks up my phone to text him.

Wow - and so it continues.
You get a cheap pay as you go and make him contact you via that from now on.
If the messages are getting abusive then report him for harassment.
Stop feeling guilty.
You are HELPING your DD no end by getting this piece of shit away from you both.
I used to have an old iphone and I'm sure I could block.
Google and see what you get.
What model is it?

HERE might help? maybe?

He tried to bully you into sex by hitting you. What a charmer.

Stop paying him. Stop unnecessary communicating with him. Stop making decisions on the basis of his abusive controlling reactions. Do what is best for your child and you.

Stop deleting texts. They are all evidence and keep your phone away from your child.

It's a 4 and you can't apparently - as I can't upgrade the system as no memory. Might have to invest in a swanky new one and totally block..

feeling less guilty after so many appalling text messages!! No sane person behaves like that in a break up. My previous ex of 12 years ran off with my friend - and I would never ever have texted him abuse!! just not normal way to behave.

In four seconds I discovered how to block a number on an iPhone 4.

i'm just going to change the key lock so dd can't access. and keep the texts as evidence.

He used to yell at me for hours about how i was frigid. As if that would help.