Need some advice for my mum

[tammybear]

Mum and dad have been seperated 12 years. Dad has been living with another woman for the past 5/6 years. Mum has remained single, as she just cannot be bothered with men, and is quite happy how she is.

The other day my dad rang mum up and said he needs to talk, and the only time he says that is when hes in trouble. So he came round to speak to mum. He basically just said he has nowhere to live. The woman he's been with wants him to get a divorce, but dad doesnt want to (!???? mums not too sure why he doesnt). Well anyway this woman thinks that everytime dads not there with her, he's around at my mum's seeing her (lol which is definetly not true). He said that this woman wants him to get a divorce so they can get married etc. but if he's not going to get a divorce, then its over between them. Which I think is understandable enough. Im sure Id be thinking the same way as she is.

Dad then hinted to mum that he would like to move back in, but Im not sure if he still loves her etc. Mums very confused and upset over it, as she has moved on and doesnt want him. She can barely stand him when she sees him let alone have him move back in. She's also worried about how it will affect my sister and brothers who are still living at home.

Any advice will be appreciated.

Sounds like your dad is trying it on, I'm sorry to say.

Your dad has to learn that he can't go running to your mum every time he has a problem. She doesn't owe him anything and so shouldn't let him stay. I think he's got a real cheek asking in the first place!

Sounds like he's going for the easy option (rather than having to find somewhere to live etc)and wouldn't be committing himself. I think if your mum has moved on and is content with her life, him being back on the scene would seriously upset her- and actually, all of you. Who's to say he wouldn't meet someone else soon? Sorry to say but sounds as if he's relying on her good nature to get him out of a hole.

Hi tammybear,
gosh, what a nerve! He doesn't want to get married to the gf which means she'll chuck him out and he's looking for an easy alternative. As for moving back in - absolutely no way. If I were you I'd do everything I could to convince her of that. Does your mum want to get divorced?
Do you get on with your dad ok? Maybe the family could offer to help him find somewhere else to live?

He had asked mum if she was seeing someone, which annoyed her as she doesnt get much spare time, and dad doesnt realise what she's going through at the moment: money wise, and problems with all of us. But dad does still pay for the mortage on the house, which is his way of paying my mum maintenance for us. And since they never got divorced, the house is still in both names, and mum's afraid that dad will use this to his advantage, and maybe even threaten to stop paying it if he doesnt get his own way

Tammybear

My parents split up about 18 years ago now, but after about a year of leaving my mum, my dad decided to come back to us all (he was living with another woman at the time). He stayed for about 4 weeks then buggered off again, so we had to grieve for him all over again.

It sounds to me like you Dad doesn't really know what he wants at the moment and I would be very cautious if I was your mum TBH.

Dad has never showed much attention towards us let alone my mum. We were lucky if we saw him once a year. Mums quite happy with just being seperated, and when dad brought up about his woman saying she wanted him to get a divorce, mum said she was quite happy to do it. He said he cannot afford to rent on his own, that's why he's turned to mum.

Does your MUM want a divorce? Is it that your dad doesn't want to through the formal stuff 'cos he'd then have to do things like split his pension (if he has one). Or is resisitng the idea because he wants "protection" from the pressure to get married to his "new" woman. In EITHER case, that's your dad's problem, not your mum's! And from the sound of it, she deserves better.

Maybe your mum should instigate a divorce just to get through to your dad that she ISN'T there to be run tow henever there is a problem. After such a long separation your mum can do it purely on the grounds of separation and your dad can't object.

It's not quite the answer to your question, but it is a potential way forward.

If he can't afford to pay for accomodation then does he expect to live at your mum's for free?? If she's already having money problems then that's the last thing she needs.

Sorry, posts crossed.

Your mum needs to get some good legal advice. The fact that he's been paying the mortgage doesn't necessarily mean that you mum would have to "buy" him out - as you say, it's been instead of maintenance.

She should find out where she stands, rather than just assume she would be worse off if she were divorced.

When mum told me all this, I thought that either:

dad doesnt want to get a divorce as he doesnt want to be commited to this other woman

he doesnt want to go through the hassle of splitting everything as he is a bit on the wealthy side (although he says he cant afford to rent???) and he still uses mums address for post and things

when he first left us he kept trying to come back but mum wouldnt have it, so maybe he still loves her, but i really doubt that

or i think he's been using this woman for the past few years as security for somewhere to live, as he said that their relationship hasnt been good for a while, and is wanting to leave her

Your mum obviously doesn't want him under the same roof and for what you say it would not be a good thing for the family.
It sounds like your mum should maybe get some legal advice, and also advice about benefits etc. I think that once she knows her position she will feel a lot more secure about sticking to her guns. Maybe make an appointment and the two of you go?

sorry janz - posts crossed