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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need a rant

26 replies

charleneralston26 · 16/01/2016 16:21

hi everyone posted 2 weeks ago about my partner walking out and leaving me (32 weeks pregnant) and a 2 year old!
I feel like I'm hitting my head off a brick wall everyday I wake up I think okay I'm going to be okay and not upset then I get angry and end up crying again!
he won't even give me the time of day if I text him about our son he says things "like I don't need to know he is shouting on me all it is doing is hurting me!" he doesn't care about how I bloody feel!
I have just looked in to how to change my sons surname to mine and I need him to consent to this I know he's probably not going to! I guess I probably just needed a rant here! I honestly wish I didn't have to ever deal with him again it would have been soo much easier but this trying to be civil is killing me!!

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2016 16:24

I don't understand why you're looking to change your sons surname. And certainly not after two weeks. Why are yoiu texting him to say that your DS is shouting?

Original poster

charleneralston26 · 16/01/2016 16:28

because I am due another baby in 5 weeks time and she will be my surname instead of his and I would like both my children to have the same surname.
he posted a letter through the door and my son was shouting daddy daddy and was upset that he never got to see him!

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2016 16:39

That's not really fair to your son though is it? It is a crap situation, but surely when you gave your son his fathers surname it wasn't on the condition of his dad not turning out to be a twat? It's incredibly unfair to alter your child's identity because your relationship s over. And quite petty, tbh.

What did you expect to gain with that text though? I know this is all fresh to you, but really focus on getting some emotional distance. There's no benefit to you texting him that. It won't make hijm change his behaviour. Speaking from experience here.

Original poster

charleneralston26 · 16/01/2016 16:48

my son is 2 he is never going to remember that he had his surname instead when he goes to school and nursery and him and his sister have different surnames and also different from his mum that's going to start confusing him?
I will always be the constant in my child's life I am and will be the main parent in his life with school him living with me etc etc I am not thinking of doing it to be petty or get one up on him or anything like that I am doing it so later on in life he won't need to wonder why he has a different name to the rest of his family.
I was expecting him to ask well can I come take him or actually organize seeing his child instead of me constantly asking him if he wants to see his child!

OP posts:

Gobbolino6 · 16/01/2016 16:52

I think there will be a long period of adjustment. I understand him not wanting to hear that his child I'd shouting for him, that's not really very helpful given the circumstances though I absolutely understand why you'd be wanting to tell him.
Have you agreed regular contact hours? That is probably the easiest way to do it at this stage, when relations are understandably very strained.

Original poster

charleneralston26 · 16/01/2016 17:01

no we haven't agreed on anything as his shifts change every week and sometimes is night shift so that can make it difficult also I am having to move out of the house so I am trying to settle him into a new home too.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2016 17:01

But that was always going to the situation when you gave him a name different from yours. It's bothering you now because you're no longer with him.

Stop texting him to make arrangements and let him do some of the work. I know that feels very counter intuitive when you're trying to look out for your child, but stop chasing him.

SirBoobAlot · 16/01/2016 17:02

Why are you having to move out?

Original poster

charleneralston26 · 16/01/2016 17:10

when I gave our child his name it was because we where always in agreement that I would one day have the same name as if this wasn't the case he wouldn't have had his dad's name it would have been my name and he knows that. yes maybe it is bothering me now as I will have to be the one that explains it to our child when he is old enough to ask these questions.
I have to text him as I need help with our child being 32 weeks pregnant and very unwell I need his help to look after his son.
I need to move out as I can't afford the mortgage on my own (now on mat leave) and physically after my section I won't be able to get up and down 3 flights of stairs to begin with.

OP posts:

Potatoface2 · 16/01/2016 17:12

just add your surname into the end of your sons name....it doesnt have to be official....just say thats what he is going to be known as from now on...thats what i did with my son, he can legally change it himself when he is old enough without hassle from your ex

Original poster

charleneralston26 · 16/01/2016 17:14

so when your child went to school did it cause any confusion? did they get called after your name?

OP posts:

abbsismyhero · 16/01/2016 20:52

you need to pull it together and not expect him to step up he is making it clear he won't so make another plan fast dont text him begging for help/telling him your son is misbehaving that won't help its only making you feel worse of course he doesn't care he left you all the ranting in the world won't bring him back you are just giving him ammo for the future

im sorry this is a shit situation but you really must do the job that is in front of you you yourself must step up and be both mom and dad

sorry for being blunt but as a total internet stranger my strong advice is you get it together and fast

ittooshallpass · 16/01/2016 20:56

When you register child at school, you have the option to use a 'known as' alias.
You just write whichever name you wish your child to be known by while in school.
Your child is still legally know by the name that you registered them under on their passport, at Dr, etc.. but in school you can use whatever name you like.
Having said that... it's very early days... your child's name is really the last thing you need to be concerned about.

Original poster

charleneralston26 · 16/01/2016 21:15

thanks everyone I really am playing my mum and dad right now and luckily I have great parents and family to help! I suppose I just expected better from him but then I never in my life expected him to leave 6 weeks before his daughter was born!
the reason I was asking about names etc is my boy is starting nursery in August so wasn't sure how it would work

OP posts:

abbsismyhero · 16/01/2016 21:58

if you're not married both names are on the birth certificate and you can use either my dd went by mine for ages even though her legal name is her bio father's name eventually i changed it but i could because it was before PR was automatically given to men on the birth certificate so i didn't need his permission

just let him go take what he gives you for now but focus on yourself and your children for now save the arguments for when you're stronger and less needy

DogStuff · 17/01/2016 05:26

Gosh, some harsh answers here for poor OP. Bit of sympathy as well wouldn't hurt.

No advice, but

Potatoface2 · 17/01/2016 05:41

My son wasn't confused. He really didn't even notice....The school didnt have issues with it either when I explained why...I do think it happens a lot

Anniegetyourgun · 17/01/2016 08:44

At 2 IME most children doesn't necessarily know much about surnames. The younger he is when it's changed the less of an identity problem it will cause, surely? Agree with others though, getting it done legally isn't a priority. You have plenty else on your plate right now.

God, thinking how much DGS at a similar age completely adores his daddy, the thought of him walking away and just not seeing the little lad again is... well, I can't imagine DS doing that anyway, fortunately because I would have to kill him if he did Still, early days, let's hope your partner steps up to be a decent parent once he's got over the desperate need to prove how much he isn't yours

Dollius01 · 17/01/2016 08:47

This is the twat who is trying to force you out of your home so that he can "have a life" isn't it? I am not surprised you want to change your son's name. You can do it informally and then your son can change it legally when he is old enough if that is what he wants to do. As pp said, your surname is on his birth certificate, so it shouldn't fine to use it for nursery and school.

wannabestressfree · 17/01/2016 08:56

When you register he can be 'known as' so that solves that problem...
An slightly with sirboob in that you need to deal with the immediate problems. Actually no you don't need his help. He has left you so use your family and friends and close ranks. Stop texting unless absolutely necessary and let him get on with it.
You don't have to move out now and you need proper legal advice. Take one step at a time.
I had c sections as a single parent. You don't need his help... You need some help. He has voted with his feet. Hell would freeze over before I allowed him to Waltz in and out.
Contact cms and get things moving. It is early days but you need to plan.

Imbroglio · 17/01/2016 09:09

Does your ex know about the name change?

This might be making this worse and won't encourage him to step up as a dad.

You are going through an incredibly rough time so focus on getting things settled for you before the new baby comes.

Have you seen a solicitor?

Good that you have family support.

Original poster

charleneralston26 · 17/01/2016 11:51

I really didn't know I could have changed his name but not legally yet tbh when I was reading up about it yesterday I saw nothing about it. so thanks everyone for that :D
yes this is the one that needs to get on with his life as he has said because the house comes out of his bank and they want to sell it.
as for moving out I need the support of my parents so I need to move back with them (my dad is disabled) and my mum is going thru cancer treatment so not very fair of me to ask them to keep driving up to visit me.
yes my ex now knows about it only last night I told him. so as for making things worse no it really isn't he was supposed to email me 3 days ago his rota and what he could take our son and has he no! I currently live 5 mins from him and sent him a picture of our son playing in the snow (now he knows I would never in my life stop him seeing our son as all I have done is try and make him see him! ) did he say you know what I'll pop up for an hour and play with him in the snow or something instead he said aw I have work at 4 (11:30 when I sent the pic) so don't have much time I need to have my lunch! I mean if that was my child who I hadn't sen for a 4 days I would have been up in a shot! but instead he goes to work earlier(to see the ow) instead of his child!

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 17/01/2016 12:33

You can't expect him to play ball now though as you are no longer in a relationship. Don't chase let him come to you....I get that you would like him to come and see your son but he has gone. Hardly the actions of a decent father. Get angry... Work out the next move. .
Get legal advice before you move. You could stay whilst the house is being sold. You need to organise yourself and not rely on him. He has already shown the total of his worth. I would leave any talk of your sons name etc as it just looks Petty at the moment and focus on the important things.

abbsismyhero · 17/01/2016 16:57

stop offering him opportunities to step up just leave it alone make your own plans i mean it would be nice if he did it but he is choosing not to over and over again and you're clearly being hurt by this over and over again seriously i get it my ex didn't bother asking about his children when they had chicken pox even though he knows one has poor immunity and the other got infected spots he didn't offer any type of help yes he couldn't bring over shopping but what about asking his mom to drop some milk off or something? no she won't because she is "OCD" (its undiagnosed convenient OCD as opposed to actual OCD she gets it every time she wants a holiday or doesn't want to help someone or just wants attention my grandson is ill in hospital look at me not him) then the baby of the family had a virus he couldn't keep anything down at all i told them he couldn't visit as he was sick all i got was let me know when he is better so he can come over when he did go back i said no dairy he can't tolerate it yet so they gave him a big bowl of yoghurt "to help his poorly tummy" and a nice glass of milk so he was sick again

i tell him shit now i really do no pictures nothing if he cares he asks although i did tell him if he gave him dairy after illness again when i say not to and it makes him ill i will be posting the shitty mess i get to there house in a parcel designed for maximum splatter

Original poster

charleneralston26 · 17/01/2016 18:26

so he came up today for 30 mins to play with our son in the snow. question for mummies does it get easier wen you love someone and they leave you? I feel like I'm 2 steps forward 4 steps back right now :(

OP posts:

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