Can you have an amicable breakup after an affair

[Whyamihere]

Husband and I decided to split up a few weeks ago, it was all pretty amicable as it felt we'd drifted apart, I took some of the blame for that. Today I have found out that he's been having an affair for at least 9 mths, I feel amazingly hurt (obviously) but want the best for dd, can I get past my feelings and can we still have an amicable separation.

Meant to say I found out my fiance was cheating at new year. Thank god we don't have kids between us so things are reasonably amicable as we both wave goodbye and never have to see each other again. Good luck op x

I would say that me and my Ex DH are fairly amicable. I divorced him after finding out he's been cheating the whole time we were together. I'm not going to pretend that there weren't screaming rows and a lot of tears and restments but for the most part we were able to divorce without too much animosity on each side. I think mostly I was relieved to have an excuse to finally get rid of him!

Sorry, I have another question, I'm feeling really stupid not to have known and embarrassed that I have become a cliche, did any of you tell family/friends/colleagues about the affair or just say it was a mutual split up?

I'd never tell dd of course, she is very much a Mummy's girl and would probably never forgive him. But I'm not sure if I can keep the bitterness out of my voice when I speak to other people, just not sure if I want them all feeling sorry for me.

did any of you tell family/friends/colleagues about the affair or just say it was a mutual split up

My DH did in the end tell people. Only because his exW was saying he was having the affair (s) when it was actually her because she knew her family wouldn't approve.

Why are you feeling stupid and embarrassed OP??? You were married and faithful and trusted your DH. There is nothing wrong with that. At all. Please stop thinking like that.

I have not remotely managed amicable. STBXH doesn't deserve amicable after his conduct. We are civil and that is how I will continue to act.
Regarding what I told people, no one (except my immediate family who were there when I found it all out) know the seedy detail. Even they don't know it all. No one will ever know the details.

However everyone else has been told that he crossed a line (and then some) and that his conduct was not something I was prepared to accept. That's it. Absolutely no more. For a while, some people pushed for more detail and my blunt response was if they wanted to see me then they needed to respect that I was not about to bad mouth the father of my children out of respect for my children.

There is no way however I would let people think it was a simple breakdown. Fuck that.

Don't feel stupid. He's the one who has done wrong, not you.

Everyone now knows. However for a long time I only told my inner circle.

I'm not going for amicable though, dd is too little to understand and I have needed the support. I also don't have any interest in preserving the reputation of such a sanctimonious judgemental bastard.

I have thought a lot about anger and bitterness and when one becomes the other. I am absolutely ok with anger and it comes in waves and waves. I've gone through the worst but I need the anger to get dd and I through financial negotiations and divorce. Then I will work on letting go.

I believe in my situation that amicability will result in my having a substantially smaller settlement. I am good at compromise, putting myself last to keep everyone else happy, seeing things from others perspective and him less so. If I aim for a friendly solution I won't actually get what I need or am entitled to because I don't trust him to do the right thing.

Don't sell yourself short by trying to keep the peace. He's already done a number on you and likely will continue given half a chance.

Well it's not my way to cover up for someone who's been systematically lying to me, so yes I would go public.

Not just for that though- when your family and friends ask you this week how are you doing- are you going to start lying to them? Please don't. Get the support you need.

If I were you, I'd go and see a favourite person today, tell them what's been happening. Don't bottle this up.

The only people I haven't told about the cheating and the prostitutes are his parents and my kids.

The kids know he has a 'new' girlfriend but they don't ask questions and they don't know she was there before we split up.

They don't know her and haven't met her. I pity her because, like him, she is a complete twat. But I know what she is on for and I feel quite sorry for her.