AIBU? Dating question

[beesandknees]

I just broke it off with a guy after 2 months. Was discussing with a friend and she told me I was being unreasonable and had been trying to "control" things too much...

Met late Nov, full on for 3 weeks, saw each other 3-4 times a week, loads of contact, happy, lovey texts morning noon and night. Slept together after 3 dates.

He went back home for 2 weeks over Xmas. Still lots of texts, full on, said lots of lovely things. I missed him dreadfully and, frankly, started to feel quite attached to him. Not uncommon I know - a fantasy relationship starts to form when there's distance etc.

He returned early Jan. But it wasn't quite the same. Not so different that it was shocking at first, but I could feel the plates had shifted.

We had a day together planned the day after he got back... he cut it slightly short, citing exhaustion. Totally fine.

Then I noticed he was not texting me in the mornings like he used to.
I felt a change in his tone. He seemed to be cooling. Then I noticed he was not making dates with me. He used to consistently ask to see me and make time for me.

Then we made plans for a Sunday together... I text him late Sat saying how much I was looking forward to it. And he didn't text back. Until 7pm Sunday. Saying he was so sorry but had been up late Saturday and then slept all day. I had arranged childcare!!

I didn't bother losing my temper, thought I would just see how things went. I would rather give him rope to hang himself iyswim. Just said oh, ok, yeah I would have liked to have seen you, what a shame.

Then I mentioned, in a text, that I was starting to feel worried about how he might feel about me, because he seemed to be cooling. He shrugged it off, actually typed "haha" as part of his response. I started to see the writing on the wall.

We saw each other on the Monday. Was nice. I text him goodnight and he didn't reply. OK...
Then no good morning text all Tuesday. I text him, thinking "well maybe I am being silly". Friendly but again, cool response.
Had tentative plans Wednesday. He text at lunchtime "did we confirm tonight? the weather is so good i might go and [play sport]".

I was slightly floored. Just said "Well I would love to see you. Up to you."
Him "I will let you know at 6" (we had plans for 7!!!!)
Later that day "oh turns out my best mate is leaving [his city] tonight, i have to drop everything to see him, would have had to nix our plans no matter what anyway"

At first I thought, well, he sees his mate once a year, fair enough.
Then I thought...This is 2 months in and I am being treated like an option. The mate thing is fine. The sport thing? Not so much.

The next day, Thursday, AGAIN no morning texting like we always used to. Which cemented my thoughts even more. He had just dropped me, he should have been trying to make it up to me!!

So I text, being very nice, just saying I didn't want to see him again, and wished him the very best.
He replied "well if that's really what you want, if you change your mind you know where I am" (Which to me says, yeah I am not that into you but if you want to have sex again let me know)
and shortly afterwards "I am confused, I don't want to end things".

I replied saying "I don't think you are really confused, I think it's quite clear that you want to put distance between us. I don't want that, so we are not going to be happy together."

No reply. Fair enough.

Beyond the obvious behaviour things, there have also always been signs with him that he wants to keep me (and I think everyone, really) at arm's length. I always noticed this about him and I assume he has issues of his own, which, of course, I can't help him with.

Am I wrong? My friend says that I am engaging in power struggles and didn't like that I didn't have the upper hand over this man, that I wanted him to chase me around etc.

But I was always very nice and accommodating of him. Always! For example he once cancelled on me due to illness and I absolutely didn't feel wronged by it... because he was nice about it and didn't make me feel like an option at that time!

Sorry so long.. didn't want to drip feed.

You are absolutely right. Standing someone up shows no respect for them at all.

Are you sure he's actually single. I've had the unfortunate experience of someone going in all guns blazing and then he cooled off - turned out to be married!

Definitely not BU. I think you have done the right thingband kept your dignity whilst at it. In fact you gave him more of a chance than i would of. Life is too short to be chasing after men.

Well done you.

You did the right thing even though it was hard so well done
After that short a time he should be super keen still and I would hate this let you know at 6 if plans were for 7.
This sort of thing is especially bad if you have to arrange childcare.
Onwards and upwards; it's his loas

Loss

Your friend is bonkers.
You did the right thing. In fact, you hung on for too long but I can't blame anyone for that.
You've remained pleasant but you won't be used for sex. Good for you.

He'll be back, I put money on it. Be prepared.

Your friend thinks this was about control, but I think it was about respect. I also agree with PP that you were too obliging.

I paid a fair amount of money for 1-2-1 with a dating coach.

Tell us more!

boden he's def single, I've been at his 1 bed flat several days in a row, it's definitely a bachelor setup. He has a long list of exes though. Pretty sure he just likes women. A lot of them! He's a nice guy but like I said my radar was pinging early on regarding his ability to get close to others. There were many subtle clues. Not things directed at me. More how he interacted with the world or talked about himself.

I get the distinct feeling that as soon as he sensed I wanted to increase the intimacy, he started to feel less attracted to me.

I agree he will probably be back. It's good I'm analyzing this now because I need to be completely confident in my perspective on this. He treated me badly, for a good 10 days running, since he got back. No matter how he feels now, he can't take that back.

About me being too accommodating... I think my philosophy has been to always give lots of rope in the early days... since I want to see what kind of person the other is. Maybe I should rethink.

Sometimes there can be a bit of a drop off in intensity which is entirely normal. So the lack of texting isn't necessarily an issue. But the blowing you off for better options and so on isn't good. You've done the right thing.

I think people will treat you like you allow them to. There'll always be people willing to put up with lower standards, and he might choose their company over yours, but if chooses yours he'll know he has to shape up a bit.

Your friend sounds like she thinks it's better to be in a relationship that does not make you happy, than to be single.

It's sad if that its true for her.

Making plans with someone (particularly someone who has to arrange childcare, but even if they do not) and then failing to contact them is NOT ON.

I think that you handled it really well. Your friend was wrong. Onwards and upwards hopefully.

Thanks everyone. Still feeling pretty down about it, I hate that I still jump to see if it's him who's just texted. I know it's just habit but it makes me feel sort of pathetic tbh. At least I can be sure that the feeling will pass.

If I had hung around longer, this would feel even worse and take even longer to pass! So there's that!!

In better news I have a date planned with another lovely man on Sunday. If he stands me up too then I'll just take Monday off work and cry or something lol

Listen, we are defined not by our thoughts, but by our actions.
Don't beat yourself up for jumping with a wee spring of hope when the text goes...rather commend yourself for having the good sense and self respect to make a choice not to continue a situation that is bad for you.

You're doing fine. x

I think you did the right thing. If he had issues with something but did want to keep the relationship going, you gave him several openings to discuss that, and he chose not to.

It's absolutely fine to feel down about it OP. It's better to aknowledge the feelings and let them subside than to try to suppress them.

They will pass, as you say. Enjoy Sunday!

I think you did the right thing too OP. Although I think it's normal for the intensity of texting to drop of (too much just isn't sustainable IMO) it's not on to be treated like an afterthought or be put on the back burner. What you could've done, I suppose, was to have had a chat about it face to face to get a feel for what was going on. But the other part of me thinks sod him, it shouldn't be anything but fun this early in a relationship.

His behaviour was incredibly rude - esp not showing when you had arranged childcare. That was the Red flag. Next?

Can you plan something positive and enjoyable for yourself for Monday evening? That way you won't feel down if Sundays date isn't amazing.

we are defined not by our thoughts, but by our actions.

Wow.

pictish I really appreciate your last post. I needed to read that. You're absolutely right.

Pragmatic you raise a really good point about doing something for myself. I've got a massage voucher left over from Xmas, I think I might book myself in on Monday late afternoon.

Feeling better today. Still ruminating a little but in a good way - getting a bit pissed off, resetting my memories of him, so he's off the pedestal now and I'm more thinking phew I dodged a bullet.

I really admire your strength OP. I'm another one who thinks you've done the right thing. I've been in similar situations, including a very abusive relationship, and I could never pluck up the courage to do what you've done.

You'll be much happier without him - I guarantee it.

To update, Sunday went amazingly well! Probably the best date I've ever had. Such a lovely man, demonstrative and thoughtful without being over the top. Also... he doesn't text much! wants to spend actual time together instead... imagine that...

I've found myself quite emotional about the contrast... I realise how the hot-and-cold thing was incredibly addictive... even though the cold bit felt awful, it definitely makes you want to go back to see if you can get the hot bit again!! Human nature is annoying at times.