Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he gaslighting me?

50 replies

808states · 15/01/2016 15:12

We've been together for eight months in a long(ish) distance relationship and his behavior often has me Confused. The main thing being that I feel he is very full on and then very distant and so the bond between us seems to remain at a constant instead of growing. I feel in a permanent state of holiday romance.

When he is on he is great and we get on great and then he makes the train to see me and calls every day and is Mr Attentive and then when he is off he goes very quiet and I mean to the point where 4 - 5 times I have actually thought I was being ghosted and our relationship was over.

I have raised it multiple times with him, and we'd just gotten to the point where we'd discussed it a lot and he said he'd learned from it and would not do it to me anymore and then he did it again. Literally within days of talking about it and saying he wouldn't.

So when I sent him a message to say "you're doing it again" he replied saying he was so sorry, had been really busy, and then what really pissed me off was he sent me a message that said:

"I am so sorry babe. Don't read into it, I am just really stressed out and busy. Don't overthink".

then an hour later....(after I ignored first message)

"you sure do overthink".

I feel like he agreed not to do something anymore, continued to do it, and then tried to make me feel like there was something wrong with me for being bothered?

No, he is not that busy. I know for a fact he is just not making time and acting not interested and then next week he will act mad about me again.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 15/01/2016 18:15

THREE WEEKS?!
You're still bothering about a bloke who cares so little for you that he can't be arsed to talk to you for THREE WEEKS?!!!!!

sourpickledqueen · 15/01/2016 18:21

Could he have a wife?

Just bin him and give yourself a chance to meet someone decent.

Threefishys · 15/01/2016 19:58

Eight months in and he goes three weeks without talking to you? Hrs not your DP. He's not even your boyfriend. Stop kidding yourself and scrabbling around for crumbs. He's just not that into you.

Gobbolino6 · 15/01/2016 20:42

It's not gaslighting, but it's not a normal relationship either. I think you need to at least consider the possibility you aren't the only person he's seeing, only because this sounds a lot like a situation I was in with my husband who at the time was working away. I knew he was seeing someone else because of the pattern of contact. I couldn't prove it but it did come out years later.

munkynutts · 15/01/2016 20:53

Considering he's a Scorpio, plus the offneas...instinct tells me he's got other pieces on the side babe. Chin up xx

Vaginaaa · 15/01/2016 20:53

If he cared, he wouldn't do it. Especially after you've spoke to him about it. Don't you expect more from a relationship?

smallfry16 · 15/01/2016 21:43

you are obviously being played and you are buying into it. you are one of many or maybe just a few. Dump. Or see others as well.

smallfry16 · 15/01/2016 21:44

Sounds like he's into honeymooning but no commitment. Look after yourself.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 15/01/2016 21:49

I'd put money on it he is seeing other women/woman.

Get rid. Life is too short to waste wonder if he does it does not want you. If he did you would know about it. He saw you were about to get off the hook so he pulled you back on with the 'your over thinking things'.

It takes a few seconds to text - 'mad busy I'll text you later' .

Cleensheetsandbedding · 15/01/2016 21:59

In fact if his name begins with a 'J' he is my ex as that's exactly what he used to do !

RandomMess · 15/01/2016 22:10

Geez can't believe you've tolerated it for so long.

Ditch and move on...

Original poster
808states · 15/01/2016 22:10

I think he probably is seeing many people or not taking it as a serious relationship. Feeling really sad. Just got to me tonight. I've been a bit silly to let it continue and fall for it every time. I dont think I've got very high self worth

OP posts:
Rainbowglow · 15/01/2016 22:22

Hi there. I hope chatting on here has helped you. Focus on yourself and keep yourself busy. Fill up your diary. Be less available. That may make him realise he can't treat you this way. A relationship should make you happy and secure. You don't seem to be. You don't know if he is cheating so unless you have proof don't dwell on that, but he seems to be very hot and cold and that is cruel. Life is too short. And stop checking when he is on Whatsapp. X

Vaginaaa · 15/01/2016 22:47

A lot of us have been there at some point 808 and its okay to feel sad about it. Try not to feel silly though! It's very easy to keep hoping and trying to make things work when you like someone a lot. Maybe just try and think of it as a learning experience so you know what to watch out for next time and spend a bit of time treating yourself well :)

Cleensheetsandbedding · 15/01/2016 23:41

Yeah I was there too! Put it down to experience. I don't think my ex was like thst because Ive never done that but eventually alarm bells started. When your spidy senses prick up listen to them. I went on to meet a fab bloke after that Flowers

Cleensheetsandbedding · 15/01/2016 23:41

*i didn't think

choceclair123 · 16/01/2016 00:01

Have you been to stay with him at his home? Sounds v dodgy... I bet he has another woman or women on the go.

You shouldn't have to tell him to keep in touch with you. Sorry to say but if he was really into you he would be v keen to keep in regular contact.

Stormtreader · 19/01/2016 14:40

Him saying he hasnt messaged you this week because hes had no sex drive tells you how he sees you - youre not in a relationship, youre his source of sex :/

TheNaze73 · 19/01/2016 17:29

I think he's game playing. It's pull & push, classic game. Trying to get you to appreciate the good times & be thankful.

Buttercup443 · 19/01/2016 19:56

Is he a Scorpio?

It's cruel and as others said I doubt there's much mileage in this relationship.

How far do you guys live apart?

Buttercup443 · 19/01/2016 19:59

I'd go NC to be honest to preserve my sanity and dignity.

Wine for you. Keep busy and ignore him back. Delete his number and keep busy and definitely throw yourself into work, girlfriends and dating other people.

This guy is just not into you or he'd be all over you and care about how you feel.

Buttercup443 · 19/01/2016 20:01

Btw, there's NOTHING wrong with you love. He's just not the right one.

Buttercup443 · 19/01/2016 20:03

Just read that he IS a scorpio

I had one like that once. Exactly like that. I went NC and deleted his number.

Do yourself a favour and forget about him.
They do play mind games and are super egotistical.

TheMouseThatRoared · 19/01/2016 20:13

Wtf is it with all the star sign stuff on here? Hmm

I hope you're able to move on and be happy op

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/01/2016 21:20

Him saying he hasnt messaged you this week because hes had no sex drive tells you how he sees you - youre not in a relationship, youre his source of sex :/

Yep. Maybe that's all any woman is to him though, to be fair. Nothing to take to heart, regardless. Just get rid, he's not a good'un.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page