It is my birthday

[Ijustneedtovent]

I have just had a gift token thrown on the table by my H, with a mumbled 'its your birthday'.
He has slept in the spare room for two nights and I have had the silent treatment apart from two outbursts. Apparently everything is my problem and I think he is waiting for me to apologise.
I have a son and daughter and parents. No one has sent me a card, or rang or texted me to say happy birthday. My only card was from Matalan.
I have had hours cut at work, my car has given up the ghost, so I am stranded.

User name says it all eh?

What a fucking life.

Great advice there ^. Happy Birthday You deserve much more than this.

Happy Birthday needtovent

Do you have any friends nearby you can have a drink with, either in the house or at the local? I agree you should treat yourself to something. You´ve got to look after no.1!

It would be nice if you could take yourself off for a mini break, like a weekend away or do you have any mates that live elsewhere you can maybe stay with for a night or two? It sounds like it must be such a miserable atmosphere in the house, esp if your husband is present. It´d do you the world of good to spend some time with a change of scene. What do your friends say and advise about your predicament? Possibly nothing different to what we would suggest on here.

You´re right, it does sound like you´d be better off on your own, at least then you wouldn´t have him hanging around like a bad smell, ruining your mood and bringing you down. Could you even go spend a night or 2 at your kids´ house? Just to remove yourself from the situation really so that you can think a bit more clearly and decide on your next course of action.

It sounds like the support of friends and family that are nearest and dearest would be beneficial. Use them as your crutch at this difficult time. Do anything and whatever it takes to galvanize you into action, really. With your kids no longer at home it seems pointless knocking about in a house with someone you don´t even like

Maybe just write down what you want to change and actionable, small steps that will help you achieve this. Would it be him or you moving out? Or putting the house up for sale then both moving once it´s sold?

Maybe the lack of get-up-and-go is due to depression? You sound very hard on yourself making it out to be your fault. The doctor's might be the place to start.

Where would you like to live - nearer the kids, in a town where you could enjoy a bit of culture and shopping, by the seaside? In a cosy cottage or a modern flat? What kind of things would you do with your time if it was all yours?

Hope your next birthday is more inspiring.

Happy birthday, your kids will be in touch they are probably just busy with weekday stuff....make your birthday good yourself and spend that gift voucher. Save your 500 pound a month and book yourself a nice holiday for your birthday next year, without him. X

op. happy birthday

and thanks for that link anotheremma! more happy reading

OP the process of realising this is a very slow, long and often painful process. My first AIBU post was back in bloody 2013

Can you afford counselling? I can refer you to a very good organisation if you can manage even 1 session a month? Its hard

listen to the women, call the numbers

Happy Birthday! I hope you get what you wish for this year... You sound resigned. Don't be 🎂💪🏻💐

stop You're welcome! I share it on threads like this a lot. In fact, your user name rings a bell!

I do feel like a broken record sometimes: signs of emotional abuse, women's aid, freedom programme, ask GP about counselling, do you have RL support? But it's easy to see from the outside, not so easy when you're in it. I get that.

anotheremma its taken me years and years, and I think they completely shit on your confidence and you get used to it/normalise it

the biggest thing for me was getting a therapist experienced in EA- I think a therapist not experienced in EA is just--- fucked up. as it twists stuff.

anyway I got 17, and I think I was being generous

OP, please please see your GP- and call WA- and keep reading here, you do deserve better XX

You poor soul, life can be such crap, as I know only too well.

I hope you manage to enjoy something on your birthday, even if it's only a meal you have cooked for yourself.

Make yourself a promise that your birthday next year will be better. Plan ahead, get treats ordered for yourself, a bunch of flowers delivered, wine in the fridge etc etc.

Birthday wishes for a better year this year ~ you can't have too much cake!!

Thank 6ou all for your kindness.

I just feel so overwhelmed at the moment. I have had flowers from DS and phone calls from both, expecting DD in the morning, so that was clearly a bit of self pity

He has decided to start speaking to me now. I am not reciprocating. Usually, I am so pleased that the horrible atmosphere has gone, I go straight back to normal. Not this time. He has suggested looking at a new car for me. Not this time. I have worked out my own finances and have just enough to buy a cheap little runaround. I want nothing from him. It will be used to beat me over the head with in the future.

My first step is getting mobile. Unfortunately, I need him to drive me to look at cars

When mobile, and feeling freer, I will consider more options. I do not want to live like this any longer.

Would it be wrong to talk to my children about it before telling him I want out? I don't want to put them in an awful position, but I need support. My friends are joint friends, and without doubt, they would support me, but I don' t want to take away his support.

Sod it. Will take it one step at a time.

I appreciate the thing about counselling. The thing is, I know what I should do, I just do not have the guts, energy or drive to make it happen. But I will, I will.

Thank you all, you have no idea how much this has helped to clarify things, and I really appreciate all of the messages of support and suggestions. Thank you

Glad to hear you sounding a bit stronger. You have a plan which is good!

"Would it be wrong to talk to my children about it before telling him I want out? I don't want to put them in an awful position, but I need support. My friends are joint friends, and without doubt, they would support me, but I don' t want to take away his support."

I feel quite strongly that you shouldn't talk to your children until you've told him, because it puts them in a difficult position. I know they're adults but my mum has treated me as her friend/counsellor ever since I was a child, and although I'm an adult now, I still resent her for it. That's what a counsellor is for, getting one might seem impossible but it's actually as simple as going to see your GP. Just take it one step at a time - and that's the first step.

I also advise you to talk to a friend. You say you only have joint friends, but there must be a friend that is closer to you than him - a friend you met first, for example? A female friend you occasionally meet for drinks without the men??

He doesn't get to keep all the joint friends for himself! Same with the house, finances and other things.