Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught at a crossroads

15 replies

Katkin79 · 15/01/2016 00:43

Hello - please can you help me with a dilemma? I don't have kids but would appreciate your advice - I feel as though I am at a crossroads and scared to make the wrong decision

I'm 36 and have been seeing a wonderful guy for 18 months. This is my first relationship after splitting with my boyfriend of 11 years (my choice, we were not right together but it took me ages to pluck up the courage to leave). The new guy is lovely, everything I could want but I don't think I feel it. I was unsure at first but everyone advised me to stop overthinking, have fun and see how things worked out but I still have this nagging doubt. I understand that relationships ebb and flow, need work and a dependable loving and supportive partner is what we need in life rather than electric passion and excitement which inevitably fades. BUT, I don't want to settle, to waste our time, I don't want to hurt him yet I don't want to throw away a great opportunity to have a relationship/marriage/kids with a lovely guy. But if my heart isn't in it I know it is unfair to him.

I seem to see so many people worn out from parenting and marriage, who don't have anything to say to their spouses any longer. I am terrified of ending up in a hollow and sad marriage or throwing away a great chance at marriage/kids by making the wrong decision.

What do you think is important in marriage? Have you got it wrong and stayed with or let the wrong person go? How has that worked out? What would you advise?

Sorry for the long post and thanks for your help

OP posts:
NotnowNigel · 15/01/2016 00:47

Can you talk, have a laugh, tell him your doubts and fears?

Is he kind to you, on your side, willing to really put himself out for you?

Would you consider having children on your own?

Original poster
Katkin79 · 15/01/2016 00:54

Yes, yes and yes - he is all of those things and more. He likes me for who I am, warts and all and that is a big feat as I don't think much of myself.

My fear is partly based on not being able to find such an amazing person again, especially when I hear of so much dishonesty and hurtful behaviour.

Having children on my own - I feel that would be a huge undertaking for me personally (obviously) but it is something I might need to start considering.

OP posts:
NotnowNigel · 15/01/2016 00:57

Then what are your doubts?

wannaBe · 15/01/2016 00:58

How would you feel if he ended it?

Original poster
Katkin79 · 15/01/2016 07:11

WannaBe - I'm not sure, it is like he is my best friend but maybe that's where it ends. I would be very sad without him in my life

I am just not sure if friendship is enough - this is the doubt

Can it be enough?

OP posts:
Original poster
Katkin79 · 15/01/2016 12:12

Can anyone help please?

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 15/01/2016 12:16

I don't think I feel it

What is it that you're not feeling?

pocketsaviour · 15/01/2016 12:27

Do you mean when you say you "don't feel it" that you're not sexually compatible?

I personally couldn't consider investing in a LTR with anyone who didn't absolutely rock my socks in bed.

goddessofsmallthings · 15/01/2016 12:38

Sex can be a matter of practise makes perfect, but no matter how hard you practise it's unlikely to become sheer perfection if the unquantifiable 'chemistry' is absent.

Twitterqueen · 15/01/2016 12:42

I feel that if you have to ask the question then you know the answer already. When I was single I knew it wasn't working when I just wanted to read a book in front of the TV rather than go out on a date.

Do you want to be his wife? Does he make your toes curl, give you butterflies in your stomach.

But that's not to say that every relationship has to be mind-blowingly exciting... Can you see yourself with him in 20 years' time?

Epilepsyhelp · 15/01/2016 13:07

Oh god no let the poor guy go, I hate reading those threads from women who have married these guys and then years later are ditching them because they know they 'settled' and now don't want to. It's bloody cruel.

SummersSomewhere · 15/01/2016 13:18

What I would say is life is not like the romantic films or Hello magazine cover shots etc. That stuff sells because it is aspirational and better to look at than real life which is doing the washing and ironing and food shopping, deciding if your kids get chocolate after dinner every day or just as a treat and pulling together in a crisis e.g. relative in hospital someone needs to visit someone needs to walk the dog and pick up and reassure the kids etc.

In a life partner look for a good team mate who will be pleasant to work through LIFE with, is my advice and watch the films and adverts for idealism.

Looking for excitement is ok but I personally don't need a rollercoaster ride to the supermarket or to fret if the school pickup would happen on time while I had a medical appointment etc.

All feedback meant kindly and is obviously based on my own hopes fears and dreams Wink

Original poster
Katkin79 · 16/01/2016 10:17

Thank you everyone
Pocketsaviour/goddessofsmallthings - sex is quite good, it doesn't blow my mind but there have been a few medical issues this year with colposcopy and cin2 treatment which have meant it hasn't featured that much but he has been so supportive and understanding about

Twitterqueen - there are few butterflies but I look forward to seeing him and spending time together. We get in great and have a lovely time.

Epilepsyhelp - this is what I want to avoid - heartbreak and possible broken marriage. From reading these pages I can see how much infidelity and split families hurt everyone. I just don't want to throw something away which is good because I am anxious about how perfect it should be and have standards which are unrealistic

summers somewhere - this is my rational understanding of what a partner should be - supportive and loving - I'm just not sure if I am expecting too much by wanting the chemistry also and if I am risking losin out because it is very unlikely I could find someone with all of these qualities at my age.

I feel as though my time is running out for kids and if I make a wrong decision here I may end up childless and alone. That said, I don't want to promise myself to someone when my heart is not in it - no one deserves that

So confused

For those who are married or in LTR - you have to have the conviction and the chemistry?

Has anyone felt so short on self esteem that you have looked a gift horse in the mouth?

OP posts:
1DAD2KIDS · 16/01/2016 17:45

He sounds perfect but sometimes that is not enough. I not saying anything about you as I don't know you. But there are some women who are just never quite happy how ever good things are. It's not their fault it's just they way they are wired. Because that who they are or because of things that have happened in their life. So be carefully if you think he is not enough for you how ever good he is don't string him along and break his heart years down the line. Trust me I have been with a woman like that and it hurts so deadly. She is still searching a happiness I fear she'll never find.

Thymeout · 16/01/2016 19:42

No - you've got to be madly in love, at least in the early stages, to consider marriage and children with someone.

If your 'heart's not in it' now, it won't be enough.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page