Is early-mid 40s too old for OLD?

[alloverbarthegrouting]

I want people to be reasonably gentle with me but also give it to me unvarnished, if that's achievable. Feeling quite sensitive about this but also need to know if this is a losing battle from which I need to step away with quiet dignity.

I've fairly recently come out of a long term relationship and have started OLD for the first time. I knew it wasn't going to be a case of on and suddenly into a perfect new relationship. But I'm shocked and quite upset at how little success I've had on there and its made me question whether I actually have any hope of meeting anyone ever again.

When I first signed up I got a huge rush of people who were obviously trying anything female that moved. Most of them sleazebags saying things like "hi sexy" etc. Then after about a week or so, nothing. Literally nothing. Not so much as a like of my profile for over a week.

Without wanting to sound big-headed I'm quite taken aback. I'm not a Great Beauty, by any stretch of the imagination but I don't think I'm unattractive, I take care of myself, present myself well and I have a reasonable profile picture. (I know its all about the picture, no-one reads women's profiles, do they?).

I have friends of roughly the same age who are getting messaged and asked out on dates so there must be some demand for women over 40 and while both of them are attractive I struggle to say both of them are head and shoulders better looking than I am. I also have a DC which I suspect doesn't help, but I'm a bit despondent about it at the moment. It's really making me question whether I need to take myself off the market altogether and accept that I'm just too old for dating.

I'm not especially looking to jump into a relationship, by the way -- came out of a difficult and occastionally abusive LTR just over a year ago and have one very brief fling since but have basically been on my own for a while and in therapy. I'm not the sort of person who goes running from one man to the next, and I've spent fairly long stretches alone, but I would like to know whether I'm even just theoretically dateable any more of whether I need to retire and come to terms with the fact that that part of my life is over.

Of course you've got to make your profile approachable and engaging. Do you really want to meet men who are only interested in what you look like, and not what you're interested in?

I tried internet dating for a year aged 40 and didn't get very far, despite a pretty good profile/photo. I don't think it's ever a great place for an instant ego boost (did you 'like' all the profiles you saw?) but ime there are a couple of factors that play against even the hottest 40 something woman:

• a lot comes down to what other users set as their parameters: most 40 yr old men I liked had set their age range for women as 27-38, so they didn't even see me in the initial sweep. But you have to say hi and give them a chance to see you, if you like them - what's to lose? (Guardian Soulmates is better for this as the natural Guardian demographic is too right on to appear ageist.) Also, some men assume that women aged between 39-43 will be frantically squeezing out condoms in the en suite in an attempt to assuage their ticking biological clock. I had one message from a man 'checking' I wouldn't be demanding children within three months. ?!

• the volume of profiles and specificity of personal info in online dating makes most online daters weirdly picky about things that wouldn't even arise in conversation in real life until date 3. Eg, they scan through your profile and discover you have a cat, and they have a rottweiler, so they flick past, without ever getting the explanation they'd have got in the pub that it's your landlord's cat and you hate it, etc.

• most of my single girlfriends have stunning online dating profiles. NONE - NOT ONE - of my single male friends of similar age has joined a site. In my experience, the proportion of nice men/women is wildly skewed in favour of the nice women but the nice men are definitely still out there, waiting for their Princess Charming to come along. Sweeping generalisation, but the single male friends I have are quite shy. Some have given up on ever meeting anyone. Have you asked your friends to have a real shakedown of single men in their extended social circle? I got three dates this way, and although they didn't go further, it made me feel better about myself than checking an empty inbox.

• agree with all those PPs suggesting you pick your site carefully. My Single Friend is good for shy men because their natural reluctance to make a move/show off has been taken out of their hands. Guardian Soulmates is good for divorced dads - I found a lot. eHarmony is so specific and serious you won't get any time wasters. Tinder is good if you don't to write a profile but have several flattering photos of yourself. Muddy Matches is good if you live in Shropshire and like doing it up against a John Deere while a Border collie gives you side eye.

You mention having to 'feel like you're in the game' to start, but that has to be your mental position before you even go online, not a validation you get from OLD. Stop thinking in terms of 'why am I not what these men want?' and start thinking 'what sort of man do I actually want, now?' Have you seen anyone online that you like the look of? Have you messaged them? Are you friends getting dates because they're taking the initiative, or widening their parameters? I realised most of my checklist was based on what I'd found essential when I was last on the look-out, in my 20s. I spent a year OLDing and had a handful of dates, but it made me widen my social circle in real life, and within a month I met my DP via some other friends. He's way beyond what I could have hoped for - and when I asked if he'd thought about online dating prior to us meeting, he looked terrified and said no way.

TL; DR: OF COURSE you are dateable at 40+. Your date may not necessarily be online. Or the men you're currently looking at.

Not now Bono, makes some excellent points. Don't lose sight of the fact that you're the prize & you're the one who's going to do the picking

I used the Sunday Times Website encounters in the hope that the people on it would be reasonably intelligent (sounds awful, sorry) and I met the most amazing lady, with whom I have been happily married to for the last 5 years (I was 47 at the time)

Don't give up it is a numbers game.

I have been on OD since I was 47. I have met some lovely men and am into a four mth relationship with a great 50 year old man. I constantly changed my profile, updated photos etc. You need to remember that sometimes just by something being written can eliminate people. For example I had separated on my profile as I'm not yet divorced. From MN I found out that many women (and therefore men) would not date someone separated as they knew the stress and grief that person still had to go through and couldn't face it - so nothing to do with looks!!!! I wouldn't date a man with s photo of himself holding a fish however good looking he liked. So lots of reasons to elimate someone and certainly not age of looks based. Obviously the pool at 50 will be smaller as a lot of 50 year olds are in relationships. Just treat it as a way to meet people.

Brilliant post from NotNowBono

If it's immediate ego validation you want, set your profile to whatever the "casual sex" option is on the site you're on, and change your profile headline to "looking for fun". You'll have offers of dick crowding your inbox by day's end!

Joking aside, try different sites. Really does make a difference which area you're in too. Guardian Soulmates in my local area has only ~120 men in a 10-mile radius of me, none of whom looked particularly interesting. And I'm in a city, a pretty right-on one too.

You could also ask a friend to give you a tactful but honest assessment of your profile. Preferably a straight male friend who has used OLD themselves!

Itis
I wouldn't date a man with s photo of himself holding a fish
God I have the feeling we may have been matched with many of the same men I couldn't go there either!

Not read the whole thread so sorry if you've answered this but what are you doing to initiate traffic on site? Are you messaging people?

My bf only messaged me after I favourited his profile.

Don't just sit there waiting, get proactive

BitOutofPractice I've messaged two, in response to having been liked. Neither responded. I've liked maybe six or seven, of those one liked me back but it didn't go further than that.

Honestly, with a hit rate like that it feels like I'm being wilfully stupid expecting to carry on. At the moment I feel like carrying on with this is a triumph of hope against obvious evidence. I feel like a desperate stalker who needs to be taken outside and shot quietly. Everyone keeps saying I need to be tougher and more proactive but its hard to do that when you feel you're being slapped in the face every time you do it.

How many sites have you tried OP? How long has your profile been active?

Suggestion: set up a new profile, identical pics and profile text, and set your date of birth to make you 39. See what happens.

pocketsaviour I don't want to pretend to be someone I am not, though. And I don't want to date sonrone, get close to them and have them discover I have been lying about my age... I also think it's a recipe for screwing up and getting found out, not to mention feeling awful knowing you are lying about something which is a deal breaker to the person you are lying to.

If I am too old to meet someone so be it. I will survive but I am fucked if I am going to pretend to be someone else just to get a date...

Well... when you say 'a hit rate', yes, it's low, but you only liked six people. What are the chances of any random six people fancying you (not you personally) enough to strike up a conversation? It's been said over and over again that online dating - any dating, really - is a numbers game. You have to sift, like clicking on profiles is going out of fashion. Sift, sift, sift. Sift, sift, sift some more. Stop making this all about you and make it all about them - you're searching through a crowd to find a few men you like the look of. You're not going to fancy everyone - you're probably not going to fancy 80% of the profiles you see. Is that evidence that they're repellent human beings who should be taken outside and shot? No. They're just not your cup of tea. Similarly, you might have fallen into that category for the people you've liked - don't take it personally. The online dating etiquette for a lot of OLDers is simply not to reply to messages from people that don't do it for them. (I always tried to do a 'thanks but no thanks and good luck' message, but a couple of blokes wouldn't take no thanks for an answer so eventually I stopped too.)

BUT there will be men on there who will want to be in touch, if you make yourself as findable as possible, with some nice photos, a profile that invites contact (a few common touchpoints, maybe a quirky detail that they can use to spark off a conversation - starting conversations is the hardest part so make it easy for them) and regular updating to send your profile to the top of the pile. Have you looked at My Single Friend? It really is a great site if you're reluctant to 'sell yourself' - you get a mate to write your profile, and there's something quite comforting about the fact that the men you're browsing have real life friends to vouch for them.

If the process is making you unhappy though - stop. Right now, you say you feel like you're standing at the back of the disco and no one's asking you to dance. Well, you are, kind of. You've got your arms crossed, you're feeling miserable, and you've decided you're going to have a shit time (and then you get taken out and shot). You need to GET ON THE DANCEFLOOR, start waving your arms about, maybe ask someone else to dance and make like you're having a great time. Everyone there wants to dance, that's the great thing about it. But even now, many men are shy about making the first move, and if you don't ask, you'll never know.

Otherwise, leave the disco if you don't like the music and join the afterschool metalwork group/ParkRun/football coaching team. Online DatingDisco is only one place to find dates, but if you go, you do have do a bit of dancing.

Bono but you said it yourself... That's q ridiculously low hit rate. The kind of hit rate you have if you are either laughably old or monstrously ugly.

I think it is time to accept that the game is up... Thanks though.

Ah no, I didn't say it was ridiculous! Come on. 0/6 is low but it's only out of SIX. If you'd liked three hundred and forty nine profiles and not one of them had responded, then yes, questions might be asked, but six? Not even Kate Winslet would get 6/6 - be realistic. Take that up to 20 or 30 likes, and you would definitely have got some responses.

You sound so hard on yourself. Please be kinder to yourself; this is what everyone who does online dating goes through at the beginning. If you're struggling with self-esteem maybe it's not the best place to start looking for a new relationship, because it feels as if people are judging your character when in fact all they're judging is a few facts you've chosen to reveal (and they're probably quite impersonal - I certainly baulked at putting too much online next to my photo), and one or two pics of you looking nervous. You know you're not 'laughably old'. You also know you're not 'monstrously ugly' - you said yourself that you're younger than mid40s and you're reasonably attractive. What you are doing is making this way, way harder for yourself than you need to - expecting to meet Mr Right within six goes, and beating yourself up because two people didn't contact you back. Lower your expectations and up the numbers. Or take your search into a different sphere where you can talk to people, and get to know them in a more natural way - if you have DC, are there any afterschool clubs that need extra volunteers? My DP used to coach a junior football team with some other dads: they were never short of weekend helpers...

The game isn't up. You just need to play it a bit longer. Which site are you using? Maybe MNers might have experience of how to get the best out of it.

OLD is a numbers game. You keep an open mind. You keep a sense of humour. And you don't get disheartened too soon. You sound like you've given up before you started. Yiy get back what you give. So Come on, either do it whole heartedly or don't bother.

This was written in the style of a well meaning friend. You are only in your 40s. Far far too young to give up on life and love yet.

I speak as a woman who had her heart shattered at 45. I went out, grabbed life by the scruff of the neck and had lots and lots of fun and found love too. So c'mon! Buck up!

And really, it's not personal. Grow a thicker skin. And go for it with a positive attitude.

Thanks all. I can see what you're all trying to do. But I can't get past the low (no) hit rate thing. For me this is confirmation. I just can't see any way positivity and a thicker skin can turn that around, or should turn it around really.

grouting

You've had a lot of good advice on this thread. You seem hellbent on ignoring it/ arguing against it. There are MANY women in their 40's doing OLD. And no they don't all look like cindy Crawford.

My stand out bits of advice.

1. get a male heterosexual friend (preferably one who has done OLD) to look at your profile. A PP called this advice out and it is spot on.

2. you sound quite down on yourself on this thread. Do you think that comes across in your messaging when you do make contact? I'd wager a bet that it does. Confidence is a huge turn on for men.

I'll say one thing based on your posts here. I don't think you are ready for OLD. You do have to be positive and grow a thick skin. How you do that I don't know.

There is a dating thread with a lovely support group that runs in relationships. Please post / lurk and lean on us for support/ advice. You're welcome anytime.

DB age 48 met his now partner age 47 through OLD 2 years ago. Both previously married, he had adult DC and she had DC who were mid-teens. He had dated a few other women but most fell at the first date as no chemistry and a couple clearly after financial security.

A close friend started OLD at 39 and by 41 was married and pregnant. She had more success with an interests site, something like men who like the outdoors and terriers.

Another friend who was 40ish met her now husband through his personal ad in private eye.

TooSassy I'm sorry, I'm not deliberately ignoring advice or being obstinate, I'm trying to process what's happening to me, its upsetting and is eliciting strong emotions.

The thing is that something like this really knocks your confidence and its hard to feel upbeat in the face of such wholesale rejection. There's a voice in my ear shouting "you're too old, give it up."

To your point on messaging this is the whole point I'm not being messaged or liked by anyone so I don't even have a chance to be downbeat in my messages. I'm not getting even to first base. I'm pretty sensible and know not to project this on a dating site, I'm confiding in strangers people online. I don't even feel I can share this with my close friends for fear of what they might say.

I have been on the dating thread and have read it but I don't feel it really applies to me as I'm not dating!