Self sabotaging, procrastinating DS in crisis again - do I let him crash and burn?

[loooopo]

We have been here before.

Major meltdown the night before a major piece of course work (3000 word essay) had to be handed in as he has done nothing. That was at GCSE - in that incident we coaxed him down thru the stress, the panic and crying - getting him to eventually sit at the desk and he cobbled together something and handed it in. Got a low grade....but at least met the deadline....and got a grade rather than a fail.

Last year we backed off. Provided arms length support and encouragement - lots of advice and gentle reminders to get organised and started. I wanted him to manage his time and get his fingers burnt if he didnt self motivate.

He didnt do as well as he wanted in AS and was disappointed. He is fine in that he goes to college, does his homework, contributes in class etc - but when it comes to big projects he just cant plan, get started, pace himself etc. Head in the sand.

Tonight we are here again - despite all the nudging over xmas to break down the projects, get started, approach it as little and often etc - he did not engage and we have major meltdown, catastrophic thinking and aggressive outbursts. 2 of his 3 A levels are course work and 50% of total mark for each needs to be submitted on Tuesday.

He is being tempermental and stroppy. I have tried to calm him down and offered to work on a simple timetable with him so that he can salvage something and get thru the next few days as best he can. He is rejecting this. I know that if I persist long enough he will let me support him and he will get started.

But I dont want to have to rescue him again -- or is this what we should do as parents? I am finding it really hard to know what way to jump. I dont want to have to pander. I want to scream with frustration and exasperation....!!

What is the best way to support him right now? Is there more to this than poor time management ? Does this point to some sort of "performance anxiety" hang up that needs TLC -- or is he just being a lazy 17 year old.....that needs to fail to get a kick up the arse.....?

I know that you will help him up the ladder. I just know.

OP. Let's assume that your child has the following as a hypothesis:

HITLER WAS A CUNT.

You need to ask him a lot of questions. Provoke him. Contradict him. Let him write down what he feels. What does he know? Tell him to write down what YOU are saying. Let him research evidence to support his hunch.
Was Hitler a cunt? Provide evidence. Was he a nice man? Provide evidence.

You get the drift? He needs to find out how he feels himself! You can't tell him!

I know it is an extreme statement, but I'm sure you get my drift.

OP, I've got several children and I've lost count of the number of GCSEs, AS, A, and degrees I've done now! All the dc at some point have needed to be nursed through to varying extents.

I've done drafting, notes, typing, finding books, pc research, editing, proofing, scribing, paragraph headings, re-writes, structuring, re-structuring and actual writing.

They've all gone on to work independently as fully functioning adults well as much as the rest of us

Just help him to get on with it in anyway he wants you to. Be in it together. That alone should help allay some of his anxiety. But more importantly for you it should maintain your relationship. But for your sanity get lots of breaks for yourself too.

Have you had a parents'/parent's evening? Ask his tutors to talk to him? Does he have support at school/college? If not, get it. And I would carry on with encouraging him and building his confidence.

Get him to read this:

waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

And follow it up by reading part 2:

waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html

And if he managed to get through 1 and 2, then get him to this:

waitbutwhy.com/2015/03/procrastination-matrix.html

Good luck!

This was me - and still is! I am actually looking at this very thread as I am meant to be doing something else much more important (deadline: tomorrow).

I find it very hard indeed to stay on task, it's a struggle.

It has affected my life massively, and I am living in absolute chaos right now. I can see the effect it's having on my DCs now too.

I crashed and burnt many times, can't say it helped me.

If it's a major piece of coursework - presumably with ramifications if he doesn't do it - I would suggest it's not the right vehicle to try an experiment into whether crash and burn might help him.

For me, a lightbulb moment recently has been looking into ADD for DS. To my surprise I found myself looking at a description of myself! I've explored this further, and it ticks all the boxes.

So, recently I have started considering that there might be an actual reason other than me just being generally crap, for my inability to organise myself, remember stuff, or stay on task. It's early days, and although I've not managed to change any of my behaviour yet, I now have some avenues to explore and am hopeful I might find some good strategies to help me get to grips with it all. Before I just thought I was failing as a person. Now I can see I might find a way to tackle it. Also having a name for it and realising it's an actual thing that other people have too helps me feel less shit about myself - and that helps in itself as feeling negative can be a downward spiral.

There are some great threads on here about procrastination and the link to ADD and other similar condition, I expect they'd come up on a quick search.

Good luck, I hope you and your DS find a way to muddle through this assignment!

YY to reading aurynne's links, great stuff!

Ooh I haven't seen that third link before, spot on, yet again ...

My DD is like this, and yet she always gets good grades.. its the meltdowns, anxiety, stress, sleep disturbance leading up to it all thats the killer. She's in her final year now thank God. Many's the time I've sat on the end of the phone listening to her weeping wailing carrying on..there are other little bits & pieces I've helped her with re. her work. But its mainly about being there for her. I could never NOT be there so I think supporting your DS through what is a very hard and stressful time is the best course of action OP even though it will drive you nuts at times

Now she's near the end of Uni she's getting better. I sent her the procrastination monkey story the other day and she had a good laugh about it

Having said that I am an awful procrastinator myself, to a ridiculous level at times although when it reaches that stage I can have a stern convo with myself in my head and get things done. I guess we are all different, I try to always remember that. I don't know of any friends' DC's who sailed through Uni without any worries thats for sure, most of us have had the meltdown woes to deal with. Good luck

hi, just wanted to say I really feel your pain. Huge sympathies this is such a soul destroying thing to go through as a parent.

What has helped us is not going for those subjects at A level which require essays/research/coursework etc. I realise that doesn't help you very much currently as you are already past that point and a bit further along than we are!!

Another thing we've done is get a tutor so that he can talk to a 'teacher' role rather than us. We're hoping this boosts his confidence and keeps him on track.

I also agree with others who have said stick with him rather than letting him fail. My thinking re my DS is: he isn't doing it on purpose, he is suffering as well, no one else is going to care about him as much as we do and I want him to look back and remember that we kept trying no matter how difficult it was.

I liked the ladder analogy. I hadn't been putting it into practice but I have promised myself to do better this year and try to react with offers of support rather than negativity (which becomes habit when constantly frustrated).

Sometimes it is better to take a little longer over A level and finding out what the problem is, even if that means repeating a year.

It is a lot cheaper than failing uni.

My DD is like this. She has Aspergers and, when stressed she has PDA. PDA is a bugger because even when she wants to do work, she cant. She can work in a classroom, she can work alongside a teacher, she can come up with all the right answers if you sit next to her and talk her through everything step by step. But she simply is unable to do any kind of independant work at all on her own.

and to say yes, HUGE meltdowns trying to get her to do work - Im talking 2 hours for a 5 min project for primary school - every technique in the book used up to and including self harm if the pushing were continued.

Thank you all for your advice. I have come down off my emotional ceiling and you will be glad to hear - did not throw in the towel and abandon him to his fate - I am standing patiently by the bottom rung of the ladder....he is working through it all now. But this thread has really helped me understand that there are many people in the same situation and that I need to look into what the underlying causes are otherwise he is in for a lifetime of misery and unfulfilled dreams....

I'm delighted. I'm a faffer. Dropped out of uni - twice. Confidence thing. Also, setting very high standards for myself and falling short of them.

Zero support from parents.

Basically, I fell off the ladder and skulled meself

I've had to adapt and I find that jobs which are deadline oriented suit me down to the ground. Can't get anything done until the last minute. Don't know why.
I never was the slow and steady type.

Any supports you could give him will help him.

You sound like a wonderful mother.

That's v kind WildeWoman - I think that it is too close for comfort for me personally - as I said upfront I am like this as well and it has cost me 2 careers - the thought of him going through all of this all his life unresolved is heart breaking....

Loved the links especially the monkey, panic monster and icky goals.

For DD there is an extra tress dimension as she finds school really tiring and does need a lot of downtime.

Feels exhausted/anxious
---> drawn to activities that soothe/calm/distract
---> avoids activities that would calm in long term (completing work)
REPEAT

DD has some dyslexisc difficulties and genuinely finds organising and planning large projects really dfficult. Mind maps have helped with this but we still do the mind mapping together.

I find the amount of "scaffolding" she needs exhausting but I have found the thread really helpful so thank you.